Are You Curious about The BDSM lifestyle and/or Polyamory lifestyle?

Even though the number of men and women who actively participate in the both the BDSM lifestyle and Polyamory lifestyle has increased significantly over the last fifteen years if not longer, many people are still clueless about both of these “alternative sexual lifestyles.”  This is especially true in the Black Community.

THE BDSM LIFESTYLE

If anyone has viewed one or more of the following movies, then you are loosely aware of the BDSM (or what some simply refer to as “S&M”) lifestyle:

Fifty Shades of Grey (2015) & Fifty Shades Darker (2017) starring Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson

Nine 1/2 Weeks (1986) starring Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger

Nymphomaniac: Volume I (2013) & Nymphomaniac: Volume II (2013) starring Charlotte Gainsbourg, Shia LaBeouf, Uma Thurman, and Willem Dafoe

The Pet (2006) starring Pierre Dulat and Andrea Edmondson

Secretary (2002) starring James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhaal

Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down! (1989) starring Antonio Banderas and Victoria Abril

The acronym BDSM represents Bondage – Discipline & Domination – Sadism – Masochism.  In simpler terms, only men and women who desire to be involved in a (sexual) relationship that involves erotic domination, erotic submission, or a blend of both tend to seek out BDSM relationships with others.  Of the movies mentioned above, my two favorites are 9 1/2 Weeks and Secretary.

In the world of BDSM, all men and women tend to fall into one of these four categories or “sexual personalities”:

Top / Dom / Master / Mistress

Bottom / Sub / Slave

Switch

Flexible / Versatile

A brief description of each:

Top / Dom / Master / Mistress:  When a man or woman chooses to be the erotically DOMINANT companion in the relationship no less than 99.9% of the time, this would qualify the male or female partner to be labeled a ‘Top’ or a ‘Dom.’  Some dominant sex partners might have multiple subs who serve other erotic dominants, while other dominant sex partners may have only one sub (such as their wife or husband) who serves only them.  When a dominant has one or more subs who serve only him or her, then that dominant is known as a ‘Master’ (male) or ‘Mistress’ (female).

Bottom / Sub / Slave:  When a man or woman chooses to be the erotically SUBMISSIVE companion in the relationship no less than 99.9% of the time, this would qualify the male or female partner to be labeled a ‘Bottom’ or a ‘Sub.’  Some men and women who are submissive sex partners may have two or more dominant sex partners whom they obediently serve, while other men and women who are submissive sex partners may choose to be strictly monogamous to one dominant sex partner and serve only him or her.  A man or woman in the latter category is known as a ‘slave’ or a ‘collared submissive’ (many of the subs will actually wear a collar belt around their neck).

Switch:  When a man or woman interacts with at least two different sex partners, and one of their two sex partners is always dominant with them while the second of the two sex partners is always submissive to them, this would represent the lifestyle of what is known as a ‘Switch.’  For women, the best example would be a woman who is a ‘Hotwife’ who is involved in a Bull-Cuckold-Hotwife arrangement (in this scenario, the ‘Bull’ is a promiscuous erotic male dominant, the ‘Cuckold’ is a strictly monogamous and extremely obedient erotic male submissive,  and the ‘Hotwife’ is a polyamorous ‘Switch’ who dominates her Cuckold and obediently submits to her Bulls)

Flexible / Versatile:  This category represents arguably the highest number of married men and women who are involved in the BDSM lifestyle.  A ‘Flexible’ (or some refer to themselves as ‘Versatiles’) are men and women who are both erotically dominant and erotically submissive with the same exact sex partner.  So for example, if a married man was dominant with his wife three weeks out of every month, but then he allows himself to be erotically submissive with his wife at least one week out of the month, this would represent a ‘Flexible’ or ‘Versatile.’

There was a study conducted in 2013 that suggested that men and women who are actively involved in the BDSM lifestyle experience greater mental health and peace of mind, more exciting and satisfying sex, and even in many cases longer lasting relationships and marriages.

Some BDSM relationships involve inflicting and receiving physical pain, torture, and punishments such as spankings.  A man or woman who regularly inflicts physical pain on their partner is known as a ‘sadist.’  Similar to this would be a ‘verbal sadist,’ which is someone who likes to verbally embarrass and humiliate their companion in the company of others.  On the flip side, a masochist is a man or woman who loves to receive physical pain and punishments and loves to be teased and tortured sexually.  Also, many masochists love to be verbally disrespected and humiliated by their dominant partners while in the company of friends, relatives, acquaintances, or even strangers.

Not all men and women are cut out for the BDSM lifestyle, but for those who enjoy it, it can add a great deal of ‘erotic spice’ to a long-term relationship or marriage.  Many African-American men and women have been slow to warm up to the BDSM lifestyle for obvious reasons related to the history of their ancestors.

THE POLYAMORY LIFESTYLE

When a man or woman engages in sexual activities with multiple short-term non-monogamous lovers, this is generally referred to as promiscuous behavior.  When a man or woman engages in sexual activities with two or more long-term non-monogamous lovers, this practice is known as polyamorous behavior.

‘Couple swapping’ is one version of polyamorous behavior.  This practice came to light in mainstream media right after World War II.  Many men who were enlisted in the United States Air Force would engage in couple swapping.  These married men would ‘share’ their wives with one or two of their closest male friends while they were away on a tour of duty.

There are many couples today who engage in ‘open relationship’ or ‘open marriage’ arrangements.  One unique version of this is known as a ‘Polyamorous Family,’ which would involve say three married couples living in the same large house, and all of the husbands and wives are ‘shared’ sexually within the household.

As mentioned above, one type of relationship that blends both elements from the BDSM lifestyle with elements from the Polyamory lifestyle is the ‘Bull-Cuckold-Hotwife’ arrangement.  One magazine rated this arrangement as the fastest growing ‘alternative sex’ relationship in the country.  This arrangement allows married and unmarried women to ‘have their cake and eat it too.’  In this arrangement, the woman is usually married to her Cuckold, or if unmarried, involved in a long-term relationship with her Cuckold.  The Cuckold is limited to either performing oral sex on the Hotwife only, or in some cases, the Cuckold is permitted to engage in intercourse for procreational sex only (i.e., to produce children).  The ‘Hotwife’ involved engages in intercourse with one or more erotically dominant ‘Bulls’ on a regular basis.

Many men and women involved in the Polyamory lifestyle will attend sex clubs and ‘swingers parties’ occasionally, semi-regularly, or even regularly.  At many of the high-profile swingers parties, the attendees have to sign legal confidentiality agreements to protect the identities of those in attendance.  Many times, the attendees will wear facial masks and costumes to hide their identity.

Similar to the BDSM lifestyle, the Polyamory lifestyle is not for everyone.  A man or woman has to be incredibly egotistically secure in order to ‘share’ their romantic companion or spouse with other couples.

I actually offer telephone and Skype consultations to many married and unmarried women and married and unmarried couples who are curious about the BDSM lifestyle and/or Polyamory lifestyle.  Visit http://www.modeone.net/training/ for more information.

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About Alan Roger Currie 22 Articles
Alan Roger Currie is the author of a number of eBooks, paperbacks, and audiobooks, and is best known for the ground-breaking best-seller "Mode One: Let the Women Know What You're REALLY Thinking"; Currie is also a professional Men's Dating Coach who has worked with clients all over the world, and has conducted speaking engagements and workshops in many cities both in the U.S. and internationally. Contact him at coaching@modeone.net