4 Factors that Fuel Men and Women’s Desire for Sex

Generally speaking, there are a wide variety of ways men and women interact with each other sexually. Some sexual companions engage in long-term sex (say, a minimum of eighteen months), some partners engage in short-term sex, some engage in kinky and totally uninhibited (i.e., ‘freaky’) sex, some engage in conservative and more romantic sex (i.e., what is generally referred to as ‘making love’), some engage in strictly monogamous sex, while many others engage in non-monogamous sex.

For the purposes of this article, I am going to discuss a minimum of four factors that motivate men and women to engage in sexual activities together. At least one factor is considered ‘socially acceptable,’ two of the factors usually happen privately and discreetly, and one factor can land a man (or possibly even a woman) in jail or prison. Let us examine each.


Love, love, love. Many men and women consider this term to be too abstract and esoteric to define in very specific terms. For the purposes of many of my books, I have always used a variation of a mathematical formula do define romantic love:


In simple terms, the only time a man and a woman are going to experience ‘romance’ in their relationship is when they enjoy spending time together both sexually and non-sexually. In order for any marriage or romantic relationship to truly last long-term, there must be one part friendship and one part sexual lust present. If you diminish the sexual lust component, then you essentially are left with a glorified platonic friendship only. If you diminish or destroy the friendship component, then all you have remaining is essentially a casual sex relationship (what many refer to as ‘f-ck buddies’).

Related article: The Appeal of Your Sexual Companionship vs. Your Non-Sexual Companionship

Many couples do not even refer to romantic love as simply ‘sex.’ They usually refer to this type of erotic engagement as ‘intimacy.’ When a couple experiences intimacy, the man and woman involved usually develop a very powerful ‘emotional attachment’ over a period of weeks, months and years. This type of sexual companionship is often the most highly promoted in society and generally the most socially acceptable.

What many in society may not realize is that some men and women can develop a powerful emotional bond with two or more sexual companions. This is what is known as the ‘Polyamory’ lifestyle. Polyamory is representative of long-term non-monogamous sex (where strong emotions usually develop) in the same way promiscuity is representative of non-monogamous sex without emotions ever being significantly involved in the picture.

Related article: Are You Curious about The BDSM lifestyle and/or Polyamory lifestyle?

Couples involved in the Polyamory lifestyle aside, a strong desire for strictly monogamous relationships is usually the rule of the day when it comes to sex that is fueled by profound emotions and a rock solid friendship, with insatiable lust acting as the ‘frosting on the cake.’


This is society’s ‘dirty little secret’ and ‘guilty pleasure.’ Unlike sex where romantic love is the basis, this type of sex is usually kept private, quiet and discreet. Especially among members of the female gender.

Related article: Sexual Duplicity: Women and Their Prudish Facades

The blunt truth of the matter is, some men and women want to engage in sexual activities with one another just for the sake of experiencing a powerful and pleasurable orgasm. Nothing more, nothing less.

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In my own adult life, I have experienced far more sex with women that fell into this category than the category of sex based on romantic love. As far back as the mid-1980s, many of my male friends and fraternity brothers used to nickname me “Casual Sex Al.” That nickname was more than appropriate.

One of the primary reasons why I wrote my first book, Mode One: Let the Women Know What You’re REALLY Thinking is because I felt that the vast majority of heterosexual men were not upfront and straightforwardly honest with women about their desire to engage in pure lust driven sexual activities. What many men would do is lie to women and give women the misleading impression that they were interested in sex based on romantic love, but in the long-run, these same men would end up confessing that they really just wanted a few episodes of lust-fueled sex. My attitude is, why lie about it?

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This relates to the primary reason why many married men and women cheat on their spouses. Even if many married men have a strong emotional bond with their wife, they will still find themselves tempted to engage in a few episodes of sex with one or more women that is based on nothing more than pure unadulterated lust. Same thing goes for many married women. When I was younger, I engaged in sex with many women who were married, engaged to be married, or involved in a romantic relationship with a long-term boyfriend.  These women wanted to engage in sex with me for no other reason than pure unadulterated lust, even though most of them communicated to me that they were ‘deeply in love’ with their husband, their fiancé, or their boyfriend.


The simplest example of what is generally referred to as ‘transactional sex’ would be a man who is a ‘trick’ (i.e., any person willing to pay someone money in exchange for sexual companionship) paying a street prostitute or professional Call Girl for twenty minutes, thirty minutes, or an hour’s worth of sexual activity. Another similar situation would be a middle-age or older man who is a self-proclaimed ‘Sugar Daddy’ connecting with a beautiful, sexy woman who is much younger than him (this woman is generally known as a ‘Sugar Baby’).

This type of motivation for sexual activity is similar to sex that is based on pure lust, with the only difference being that the feelings of powerful lust is usually not mutual. For example, if a man named ‘Joseph’ has a powerful sense of lust for ‘Linda,’ but Linda does not feel the same way about Joseph, then Joseph will become tempted to offer Linda some sort of ‘incentive’ and/or some sort of ‘reward’ or financial compensation to raise her motivation to agree to engage in sexual activity with him.

Another scenario might involve a man named ‘David’ who is supposed to be ‘happily married’ and faithfully monogamous to his wife of fifteen years, but he identifies a woman who is kinky, promiscuous, and submissive to be his designated mistress. In order to motivate his mistress to keep her mouth shut and avoid threatening the connection between himself and his wife, David will offer to purchase various materialistic gifts for his mistress or offer to pay some of her bills and expenses to keep her happy, quiet and discreet.

Related article: 5 Reasons Why Prostitution will Never Be Legalized in the U.S.

Some men have been known to become addicted to transactional sex to the point where they spend much of their financial earnings and savings on paid-for erotic trysts. Many women who are manipulative, sexually duplicitous and highly materialistic regularly take advantage of sexually desperate men who are willing to offer them financial incentives and rewards in exchange for satisfying these horny men’s sexual needs and desires.


What easily separates this form of motivation for sexual activity from the other three categories is that the other three forms of sex are representative of consensual sex.

When a man or woman is ‘tricked’ into sexual activity, or worse, forced into sexual activity, this is representative of abusive and/or coercive sex. Any form of sexual assault (i.e., rape or date-rape) falls into this category. Statutory rape also would fall into this category (even if the underage partner is willing to offer consent).

Related article: Yes, There are Ethics to Getting Laid

Plain and simple, there are some men in society who cannot handle being repeatedly rejected over a period of weeks, months and years, and they cannot handle being in a position of ‘involuntary celibacy.’ Therefore, their anger and sexual frustration combine to create a very dangerous form of sexual desire that usually results in getting a woman inebriated, putting ‘date-rape drugs’ in her food or drinks, or just using pure physical force and coercion to overpower a woman.

This type of sexual desire is known as ‘toxic sexuality’ or specifically for men, ‘toxic masculinity.’ In defense of men, women have been known to take advantage of men sexually too. The cases of this are not quite as common as the instances where the men were the perpetrators, but there have been documented cases where a woman (many times assisted by one or two girlfriends or another male acquaintance) has caused a man to become inebriated or mentally affected by drugs, and then took advantage of him sexually. One story had a woman in West Virginia using a knife to force her husband to perform oral sex on her. Can we say, ‘toxic femininity?’

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  • When a man and a woman desire to spend time together both sexually and non-sexually, this usually results in a profound ‘emotional bond’ between the married or unmarried couple.  Many people refer to this type of sex as ‘intimacy.’  In my books, I define the concept of ‘romantic love’ as SEXUAL LUST + FRIENDSHIP = ROMANTIC LOVE
  • Other men and women have been known to engage in sexual activities with one another based on nothing more than pure unadulterated (sexual) lust.  The problem with this type of sexual desire is that many men and women fail to be upfront, specific, and straightforwardly honest with their potential sexual companions about their desires, interests, and intentions that appropriately fall into this category.  This inevitably leads to a high degree of manipulative ‘head games’ being employed by the man involved, the woman involved, or both
  • When a man or woman finds themselves in a situation where they have a significantly higher degree of sexual attraction and interest in a potential sex partner than that man or woman is willing to reciprocate, than many times these men and women will offer potential sex partners financial and materialistic ‘incentives’ and ‘rewards’ in exchange for their sexual companionship.  Another basis for transactional sex would be an attempt by a man or woman who is married or romantically involved to cover up their dishonest and unfaithful behavior
  • Finally, and sadly, some men (and women) will attempt to abuse, exploit, and/or force members of the opposite sex into engaging in sexual activities with them without that person’s explicit consent.  The consequences and repercussions of such actions could result in jail time, prison time, or even death for the perpetrators of this sort of sexual activity that is abusive and coercive in nature

Adultery and cheating usually happens when a man or woman who is supposed to be involved in a monogamous marriage or long-term romantic relationship has identified one or more potential sexual companions that they want to engage in sexual activities with based solely on pure unadulterated sexual lust, but they continue to give their spouse or long-term romantic companion the misleading impression that they are only interested in engaging sex specifically based on romance and emotions. This is so unnecessary.

Related article: FunClubbing: When Men Place Themselves in a Woman’s ‘Friend Zone’

Never apologize for your sexual desires and preferences, and never deny them or suppress them. Enjoy your sexual self and live a life full of pleasurable orgasms.

More about Alan Roger Currie can be found on Wikipedia.org; Visit Currie’s main website to find out more about his Email consultations, Skype & Telephone consultations, and One-on-One / Face-to-Face Coaching sessions.  Currie also has an active YouTube channel where he offers his own unique brand of knowledge, wisdom, insight, and general advice related to dating and relationships.  If you are a single heterosexual man, and you want advice on how to develop the confidence and courage to be more upfront, specific and straightforwardly honest about your sexual desires, interests, and intentions with women, check out Currie’s eBooks, paperbacks, and audiobooks.

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About Alan Roger Currie 91 Articles
Alan Roger Currie is the author of a number of eBooks, paperbacks, and audiobooks, and is best known for the ground-breaking best-seller "Mode One: Let the Women Know What You're REALLY Thinking"; Currie is also a professional Men's Dating Coach who has worked with clients all over the world, and has conducted speaking engagements and workshops in many cities both in the U.S. and internationally. Contact him at coaching@modeone.net