If there is anything that’s ever popping, then it’s the Nairobi club scene. The people act like little monsters, chilled, relaxed during the week waiting for the weekend where they unleash their inner crazy.
And Kenya being one of the fastest growing economies in East Africa, there is a lot of money going around. Club owners also know this so they have taken their time to invest in their businesses making them as swanky as possible.
They have invested immensely on the décor, the sound, the lighting and most importantly on premium drinks as Kenyans love bottled service.
This is where they get to shine and show off to their friends on instagram which is all good. Like some people say, humbleness is for the meek.
Whilst the club scene is mostly great, there are some minute elements out to spoil for everyone and we want to take our sweet time to expose them. Mostly just for shits and giggles but also because we want to make the club scene suitable for everyone.
And here they are:
First on our list is the slay queens who can’t handle their liquor. The most of annoying of them all is those that end up blacking out and lay there expecting you to take care of them. And you never see it coming because they are mostly very fine, nice silhouettes with some sexy booty shorts and sassy stilettos.
They smell nice to and their smile makes your whole body tingle thinking about all the nasty things you could do to them. Unfortunately this never comes to pass as all you are left with is some riff raffs drooling at the back seat of your car.
Actually I’m always inclined to think that’s their defense mechanism to curve you after blowing up all your money on pricey shots of tequila and limitless glasses of champagne.
And it starts small with 2, 3 then 8, 9, 10 shots and then removing their shoes to dance with you in the club. Then they start dancing with the whole crew and before you know it they are wigging their bum bum at the DJ booth kissing and acting all ratchet for the DJ.
This is of course after having drowned the third bottle of champagne and having realized you have run out of money and you want to take them home and make them thank you.
At this point you are extremely furious but they always make it easier for you by blacking out.
The second lot I want to expose are the imposters who show up in the club with nothing but the intention of joy riding on other people’s drinks. And they always show up at the opportune time when you have just ordered a bottle of Ciroc and it’s about to get down.
They are charming and conniving and are always aware of all the right buttons to press to ease you up. Next thing you know they have joined your table and they have ordered a glass. With no time, their whole squad which always includes some two hot girls to confuse you also joins the table and they continue imbibing your drinks.
The girls are mostly a decoy and motivation for you to keep on trickling. When the taps run dry though, they fizzle out in the midst of the club to catch their next prey leaving you miserable and dejected.
What about that click in the club that’s always hell bent on starting a brawl? Their DNA mostly incudes 3 dudes and one girl; you never really could tell who she belongs to. They love whiskey and most of the time they are not talking to each other but are busy watching the crowd. The girl however is always jumpy sometimes leaving the pack and going to dance on her own.
She might look and smile at you seductively but don’t make the mistake of reciprocating this. At least if you love your life and have intentions of going home with your teeth and eyes intact.
The smile is always a trap because if the guys catch you entertaining and attempting to talk to her, they will come hard on you and you will regret it for the rest of your life.
There is also that annoying crop of girls whose sole purpose is to create thirst traps for those who dare to give them the slightest of attention. Normally in a pack of 4, they show up in short little dresses, sit by themselves and order a bottle of wine.
Considering how good they look, some thirsty group of guys always sends them another bottle. They never reject it but at no time will they bow down to the undivided male attention. Their mission is entirely one- seduce and leave everyone feeling high and dry.
And they are perfect at doing that by suggestively dancing and grinding on each other while at the same time unpleasantly wading off all male interference.
Lastly there are annoying old guys going through midlife crisis who always assume rocking caps automatically disguises their age. Mostly we are cool with them, you know, a guy has got to do what guy gotta do up until they get up and start dancing with their slay queens.
That’s when all hell breaks loose as they can’t dance, can’t locate where the ass is and everyone suddenly becomes uncomfortable because we’re afraid they might break their bones as we watch.
Shame on you!