A Gentleman Knows When To Keep His Word – & When Not To (Or, “All THe Crazy Ladies” Revisited)

A recent Steve Harvey Facebook video gives this dating coach the chance to revisit a blast from the past

Note Ms. Foghorn Leghorn to the right of Harvey? Who in their right mind would take out that?
Note Ms. Foghorn Leghorn to the right of Harvey? Who in their right mind would take out that?

“A wise prince should never keep his word when it would go against his interest, because he can expect others to do the same.”
Niccolo Machiavelli, “The Prince”, Cliff Notes Summary

Last year, I wrote a column that quickly burnished my bona fides as the “Dating Coach for the Non-Select Guy”; called “All the Crazy Ladies” (Jul 29, 2019, Negromanosphere.com), it had to do with a scientifically documented practice of a significant number of women, who went out on dates solely for the “free food” and had absolutely no romantic interest in their dates for the evening in the least. Based on a study conducted at Asuza Pacific University, which surveyed upwards of 700 women from across the country with an average age of 34, found that those who did engage in the practice of “foodie calls” scored high on what is known as the “Dark Triad” of personality traits: Psychopathy, Machiavellianism and Narcissisism – and were particularly traditional in their outlook on gender roles and expectations.

Meaning, they expected men to do, as R&B crooner Joe would sing, “all the things” a traditional gentleman would do for a woman.

No matter what.

My column was the toast of the 2019 summer season, as Black women far and wide got wind of my missive and my advice to my male charges; I strongly suspect that something similar will happen this time around, as the global pandemic gives me a very captive audience.

That’s because this time around, I’ve had the occasion to revist the whole ball of wax thanks to dating guru Mr. Steve Harvey, who is a never ending fount of material for yours truly. It gives me the chance to “extend and revise” my original piece with new and improved information for the Non-Select Guy out on these dating and mating streets. Let’s get started!

SHAMELESS PLUG AD BREAK: Like what you’re reading now? Wait till you see my very first book, “The Book of Obsidian: A Manual for the 21st Century Black American Gentleman”! Here’s YOUR chance to help me bring the dream to life, by supporting “The Book of Obsidian Fundraising Campaign”! All the details are over at GoGetFunding.com. Now, back to the article!

THE SITUATION
On Jun 18, 2020, Steve Harvey’s “Straight Talk” segment aired on Facebook, discussing the following question: Should women order expensive food on the first date? The five minute long clip shows Harvey hashing it out with three women – two White and one Black – and after hearing their arguments pro and con (the Black woman and one of the White women said “yes” it’s OK for women to order the expensive stuff on a first date, with only the remaining White woman saying “no” it wasn’t cool), Harvey attempts to split the difference. As always and to be expected though, Harvey ultimately comes down on the side of the two ladies, blaming the guys for “not knowing the lay of the land” – arguing, that if you ask a woman out on a date, the onus is on you to know the menu and to be prepared to pay for whatever she orders that night. This, Harvey argues, is the way of chivalry – a lost art, he says, to the virtually all-female audience’s enthusiastic applause.

On the one side, one could buy Harvey’s argument – but the problem is that aforementioned study I wrote about last year, and which sent the Sistahood online into a tizzy. That’s because, Harvey’s argument about “chivalry” assumes that you are dealing with honest actors in the mating dance; again, as the above study clearly shows, and as two of Harvey’s panelists bear out, this is not the case. Nevertheles, Harvey and millions of women, expect a “gentleman” to honor his word, no matter what women do.

Fuck. That. Shit.

As always in this dojo, we Obsidians take our cues from history, to reward our research – and in its annals we have the solution to this modern day problem of Dinner Whores…

SHAMELESS PLUG AD BREAK: Like what you’re reading now? Wait till you see my very first book, “The Book of Obsidian: A Manual for the 21st Century Black American Gentleman”! Here’s YOUR chance to help me bring the dream to life, by supporting “The Book of Obsidian Fundraising Campaign”! All the details are over at GoGetFunding.com. Now, back to the article!

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING A GENTLEMAN & BEING A FOOL
In the year 1532, Niccolo Machiavelli, an Italian diplomat, published “The Prince” a how-to guide to the gaining and keeping of political power. It is hands down one of the most controversial writs known to humankind, because unlike so much of human literature around the world, Machiavelli’s treatise on the human condition and psychology talks of the world and its people’s behavior as it is, not as it should be. What does a 16th century political theorist have to do with dating and mating in 21st century Black America? Glad you would ask!

Because in chapter 18 of The Prince, “Concerning The Way In Which Princes Should Keep Faith”, Machiavelli discusses the importance of knowing when to keep one’s word and when not to:

“Therefore a wise lord cannot, nor ought he to, keep
faith when such observance may be turned against
him, and when the reasons that caused him to
pledge it exist no longer. If men were entirely good
this precept would not hold, but because they are
bad, and will not keep faith with you, you too are
not bound to observe it with them. Nor will there
ever be wanting to a prince legitimate reasons to
excuse this nonobservance.”

Its application to the current situation is very easy to see: Clearly there are not only Black women, but a not insignificant number of Black men – like Harvey – who expect “good” Black men to be just that, no matter what, even in the face of the most rude and borderline psychopathic behavior. As Machiavelli notes above, if people find out that you’re a “good Black man” they can and will play on your sense of “goodness” and use it against you. This has and continues to occur all the time in the dating and mating context, because there is a rather high degree of Dark Triad Women in Black America today who have no qualms whatsoever using “traditional roles” and “chivalry” to use unsuspecting, deluded dupes. DO NOT BE ONE OF THOSE UNSUSPECTING, DELUDED DUPES.

In this dojo, Obsidians understand when to keep their word, and when NOT to – and when a woman that you have invited out on a date, conducts herself in the manner that the women on the Harvey video do – with particularly attention being paid to the Black one – YOU ARE NOT BOUND BY THE RULES OF CHIVALRY TO HONOR THE AGREEMENT. Remember fellas, you agree to take a LADY out for an evening dinner – and behavior such as displayed on the Harvey video is NOT befitting a lady – and therefore, the agreement is null and void. It is at that moment that you are to wave over the waiter and request “two checks, please!” – and make sure that the female in question knows what’s going on: You will NOT be paying for her rude, entitled behavior.

Bringing it back home to Black women in our time today, make no mistake about it that, as the Black woman in the Harvey video clearly shows, they can and will eat you out of house and home, first date protocol be damned. Lest the reader forget, let’s get a refresher from the one and only Miss Piggy, er, Ms. Feminista Jones on this point, shall we?

“Eat whatever you want. If someone has agreed to go out to eat with you, EAT! Dig into your chicken wings, clean your plate with your biscuit, and scrape your fork picking up that last piece of sweet potato pie. Don’t starve yourself or deny yourself the pleasure of enjoying your favorite dish because you’re afraid of being judged, especially if they’re paying. Order dessert too, okay?” (“It’s Time to Dispel the Myths About Dating While Fat”, Zora/Medium, Oct 4, 2019)

Ask yourself honestly for a moment: Does what you just read above, sound like the behavior of a lady, to YOU? It certainly doesn’t to me. It smacks of a greedy hog, stuffing its snout with just about everything in the restaurant’s inventory – and YOU, Mr. Chivalrous, are expected to grin and pay for it.

I. Think. Not.

SHAMELESS PLUG AD BREAK: Like what you’re reading now? Wait till you see my very first book, “The Book of Obsidian: A Manual for the 21st Century Black American Gentleman”! Here’s YOUR chance to help me bring the dream to life, by supporting “The Book of Obsidian Fundraising Campaign”! All the details are over at GoGetFunding.com. Now, back to the article!

THE PROBLEM WITH STEVE HARVEY’S IDEA OF “CHIVALRY”
You didn’t ask to take a pig out on a date, you asked to take a lady out on a date – and just as there are rules for gentlemen, there are rules for ladies as well. And ladies don’t eat everything in sight like “Hungy, Hungry Hippos”, especially on the very first date. They don’t “charge the guy up”, especially on the first date right out the box. And they don’t act like entitled not-so-little twits on the first date – or any date, for that matter.

The glaring problem with Steve Harvey’s “straight talk” is that it completely elides the duties and expectations of Black women on the dating and mating scene today – it gives a tacit pass to Black women’s most craven impulses, as the Black woman on his panel and as my aforementioned column on the matter clearly bears out. He refuses to call Black women’s bad, Dark Triad behaviors out on the carpet for the obvious reason – because it is those Black women who are paying his bills – and he routinely throws Black men under the bus and blames them for the bad behaviors of others. Classic Gaslighting 101, anyone?

As Machiavelli notes in his master work, the Non-Select Guy is NOT “duty bound” to keep his word when it is abundantly clear that the woman he has asked out for an evening has no intention of keeping hers. Bad behaviors like that which is being discussed in today’s column – foodie calls, dinner whoring, charging a guy up and so on, simply have no place in our repetoire and we won’t hesitate to dump a broad on the spot for such an infraction. Don’t ever let anyone attempt to guilt, shame or cajole you into what a “gentleman” is supposed to do – instead, tell them “Ladies, first”.

Any questions?

Now adjourn your asses…

MOA

Mumia Obsidian Ali is a citizen journalist, podcaster, talk radio show host, newly minted dating coach and soon to be author. You can catch his daily live shows on the global livestreaming radio website Mixlr, as well as the all-new members-only Obsidian Radio Zoomcast, and his podcasts on YouTube and Black Avenger TV, as well as his weekly dating coach column at the Negromanosphere website. He’s also a semi-professional pest.

Facebook Comments