A theme in my books, videos, and podcasts is that women divide men into two categories for dating, sex, and relationships. The categories are select and non-select. In a nutshell the men women consider select will get special treatment and the men who are non-select will be lucky if they get a get hug. Women in general and Black women in particular do this. One of the main criteria for a woman to include a man into her select group is his physical appearance. By this I mean his facial features, his body build, his height, and even his clothing style. For Black women this will include his skin complexion and his grade of hair. An honest examination of why Black women reject many Black men will show that these men are rejected based on how they look.
The thing is that these women have their preferences. That’s fair in itself. Everyone is entitled to their preferences as far as what they want in a mate. The problem is when Black men express their own preferences in a mate. Black women have tried to organize boycotts when a Black male celebrity is shown to have a preference for a woman that does not look like the majority of them. Black women have even got mad when some brothas are SEEN with a light-complexioned Black woman. It really is the height of hypocrisy.
I find it very hypocritical when Black women reject Black men on purely physical appearance. Indeed when many Black women try shame or degrade a Black man most often they say something negative about their physical appearance. How often do we hear a black woman say a man is too short, too slim, or too chubby? How often do we hear Black women openly say they don’t like a Black man because he is too light? That’s in public forums. Privately many reject a Black man for being too chocolate. Yet Black women get bent out of shape when the tables are turned.
What does it say when there are actual movements to get men to accept chocolate sistas? Black women want Black men to accept them regardless of their physical appearance. It could be a man who works out seven days a week and an overweight woman whose only workout is lifting the fork to her mouth will expect this man to wine and dine her. That same overweight woman will reject a man for being ten pounds overweight or even being an inch shy of 6 feet when she is only 5’1”.
In my viewpoint when women say there is a shortage of good Black men I think they really mean there is a shortage of ‘good looking Black men.” This is a problem for two reasons. One, many women hold men to standards they themselves can’t reach. That is hypocritical in itself. Two, when Black women complain about a “shortage of good men” they make it seem as if there is a shortage of educated men with high incomes and good credit. Yet many educated men with high income and good credit are involuntarily celibate.
The thing is Black women are not going to collectively admit in public it’s about a Black man’s physical appearance. The funny thing about pointing a finger at someone is that three fingers are pointed back at the person doing the pointing. If Black women talked more about rejecting a man on physical appearance the movements to get Black men to accept chocolate sistas and an overweight sistas would fall to the wayside. The issue still has to be addressed.
Many people want real solutions to Black male/female relationship issues. If that’s the case every aspect has to be called out. One of the major issues that has to be called out is the hypocrisy of Black women judging a man by physical appearance when they themselves don’t want to be judged by the same standards.