Is the Pursuit of Casual Sex Shallow? Yes, Of Course It Is

Recently, I was engaged in a conversation with a woman who I used to exchange orgasms with many years ago.  At one point in the conversation, she expressed surprise that I had never been married.  She was even more surprised to learn that I had not sired any sons or daughters.

Then, came THE MOMENT.  What am I referring to?  The MOMENT that I have experienced with a number of women from my past … and even many times with brand new female acquaintances (particularly those who are roughly 36 years of age or older).  The moment when some women decide it is appropriate to pass judgement on my personal life, social life, and even more so, my sex life with casual or sometimes lighthearted disdain.

For example, my former lover said to me, “Alan … are you still just as shallow and superficial as you were when you were in your twenties?”  I pressed her for further elaboration by asking, “Just what do you mean by asking me that?”  She said, “You know what I mean.  When you were younger, you did not seem to be about the pursuit of true love or meaningful relationships.  You seemed to be all about the pursuit of (short-term non-monogamous) casual sex.  I mean, if that is still your thing … do you … but I have to say that disappoints me.  I just think pursuing women for casual sex only is so shallow and superficial.”


The thing is, not only do a good number of women categorize the act of engaging in short-term non-monogamous ‘casual’ sex as being representative of an immature, shallow, and superficial state of mind, but there are even many men I have crossed paths with who have expressed to me that they felt the same way.

Let me ask the men and women reading this article this:

Think about a Thanksgiving dinner or a Christmas dinner that you sit down at the table with members of your immediate family and other extended family and relatives.  Think about how special those two dinners feel.  The emotional bond that is present among everyone at the table.

Now.  Think about a time where it might be a Friday evening or a Saturday afternoon, and your stomach is growling with hunger pains, as well as the stomach of one of your good friends or casual acquaintances.  You two become so hungry, that it becomes hard for you and your friend or acquaintance to pass up the nearest fast food restaurant or inexpensive sit-down restaurant.

Finally, when you put that low-priced (and maybe even low-quality) food in your stomach … do you look at consuming this meal as being representative of ‘shallow’ or ‘superficial’ decision-making simply because it does not measure up to the idea of consuming a more ‘meaningful’ meal with family members and relatives, such as during a Thanksgiving dinner or Christmas Day dinner?

Of course not.  Hunger is hunger.  When your stomach is hungry … you feel compelled to consume some tasty food.  Regardless of whether you are by yourself, with a close friend or casual acquaintance, or with a number of your relatives.  Hunger is hunger.

I would offer the same argument when it comes to sexual desire.  Sexual desire is sexual desire.  It doesn’t really matter if you engage in sexual relations with your wife, your fiancée, your long-term girlfriend, or a casual sex lover.  Sexual desire is sexual desire.


What exactly is casual sex?  Generally speaking, to indulge in ‘casual’ sex means to engage in sexual relations with someone without making any attempt to create and/or nurture any sort of ‘emotional bond’ or strong emotional connection with your chosen sex partner.  In other words, you want to engage in sex more so for purely ‘recreational’ motivations and for the purpose of self-serving pleasurable orgasms rather than a desire to ‘make love’ with a woman who you have developed any sort of an emotionally profound connection with.

Many men and women confuse ‘casual’ sex with non-monogamous sex.  The two concepts are not always necessarily synonymous with each other.  For example, if a man and a woman are involved in a long-term non-monogamous sexual relationship where they have may have developed some degree of an ‘emotional connection’ with one another, that would not be considered a series of erotic interactions representative of ‘casual’ sex.  That would more so be representative of what is known as a Polyamorous Relationship.  Similarly, not every relationship that only lasts a few weeks or a few months (i.e., a short-term sexual relationship) can be validly considered to be representative of ‘casual’ sex either.  There are a number of men and women who engage in short-term monogamous relationships where heavy-duty emotions can emerge and be incorporated into the relationship rather quickly.

Plain and simple, not all sexual interactions between a man and a woman were meant to fall under the category of a ‘meaningful relationship.’  Not every sex partner a man or woman has was designed to leave a profound emotional impact on their companion.  There are some sexual relationships between men and women that are driven by powerful emotions and the idea of ‘true love,’ while many other sexual relationships between men and women come to existence simply based on pure lust and a high degree of mutually reciprocated physical attraction.  Even Academy Award winning actress Whoopi Goldberg once said, “Sometimes … people just need to get laid.”

The way I feel, as long as a man is expressing his desire for short-term non-monogamous ‘casual’ sex to a woman in a confident, upfront, specific, and straightforwardly honest manner, then he has nothing to feel ‘ashamed’ of or regretful about.  As long as any man is not misleading a woman regarding his true sexual desires, interests, and intentions, and he is not intentionally toying with her emotions, this man has nothing to apologize for.

As long as you and your chosen female sex partner both acknowledge that you have the hots for each other, and you both agree that you two do not want emotions to potentially complicate things and become a significant factor in your sexual interactions with each other, then feel free to proceed as you choose without any concern for the criticisms, judgments, and opinions of others.

When it comes to casual sex, I say go ahead and be ‘shallow.’  Go ahead and be ‘superficial.’  Because that is exactly what the concept of casual sex was designed for.

Senior writer Alan Roger Currie was recently named the 2017 Charles Tyler Freelance Writer & Columnist of the Year for the, and he was also named the’s 2017 Best Dating Coach for Men on YouTube and 2017 Black Male YouTube Personality of the Year. More about Alan Roger Currie can be found on; Visit Currie’s main website to find out more about his Email consultations, Skype & Telephone consultations, and One-on-One / Face-to-Face Coaching sessions. Currie also has an active YouTube channel where he offers his own unique brand of knowledge, wisdom, insight, and general advice related to dating and relationships. If you are a single heterosexual man, and you want advice on how to develop the confidence and courage to be more upfront, specific and straightforwardly honest about your sexual desires, interests, and intentions with women, check out Currie’s eBooks, paperbacks, and audiobooks. Currie has been a featured speaker at many dating advice workshops for men in the United States as well as internationally. Currie was the first African-American to be a featured speaker at The 21 Convention and will be a featured speaker again this year in October in Orlando, Florida. If you want to become a subscriber of Dating Coach Alan Roger Currie, CLICK HERE

About Alan Roger Currie 91 Articles
Alan Roger Currie is the author of a number of eBooks, paperbacks, and audiobooks, and is best known for the ground-breaking best-seller "Mode One: Let the Women Know What You're REALLY Thinking"; Currie is also a professional Men's Dating Coach who has worked with clients all over the world, and has conducted speaking engagements and workshops in many cities both in the U.S. and internationally. Contact him at

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