Cup Of Tea

“She loves me, she loves me not…”

With an undeniably increasing number of Black men becoming educated and/or successful in contemporary American life, Black women are themselves increasingly faced with a powerful conundrum: This fact on one side and their multi-decades long narrative on the other, that holds that for various reasons, there is a massive “dearth” of suitable, eligible, marriageable Black male mates. Even more, with this steadily increasing state of affairs being the case, yet another issue emerges – that of Black women conflating “attraction” for “competence”. While the two qualities can certainly exist and/or overlap in the same Black man, what happens, a lot more often than most Black women are willing to openly admit, is that their real problem is that there are more than enough competent Black men to go around – while not nearly enough attractive Black men to go around.

What’s a girl to do, right? The answer for us Obsidians is simple:

“It’s not our problem”.

I say that because, it isn’t our job or problem to figure this out for Black women; we are who we are and if there are one, some or even a lot of Black women who don’t vibe with what we’re all about, that’s perfectly OK! No harm, no foul – as the SYSBM/Passport Bros. movements have repeatedly demonstrated, women from other areas of the world have a different take on what makes a Black man attractive.

Viva la difference!

SHAMELESS PLUG AD BREAK: Like what you’re reading now? Wait till you see my very first book, “The Book of Obsidian: A Manual for the 21st Century Black American Gentleman”, which comes out Summer 2020! Here’s YOUR chance to help me bring the dream to life, by supporting “The Book of Obsidian Fundraising Campaign”! All the details are over at Now, back to the article!

Among my “greatest hits” podcasts over on YouTube, in the summer of 2017, was based on a snapshot pic on Facebook; over top of the image, which featured several dozen suited and booted, clearly successful and educated Black men, a young Black woman hailing from the Peachtree State, stated the following:

“OK I’m not posting this to be judged, but judge if you want, and yes I’m single ’cause I know somebody gonna ask. But anywhoo. Apparently these are successful Black men on this photo and I am only seeing maybe two and a possible that I am visually attracted to who all the exquisitely fine nighas usually be hood dudes? Like I legit want me a white collar man but they asses be looking super lame”.

My podcast, which I titled, “Big Booty Brenda Comes Clean”, damn near went viral and I was keen to praise “Brenda” for her candor – an unusual thing to behold among Black women today. Her confessional hinted at something I had long suspected: that lots of Black women often make an existential crisis of their inability to find an attractive Black man as a mate and are loathe to publicly admit it; so what they do is hatch all manner of grandiose excuses and arguments about “mass incarceration”, Black men being “on the down low” and my personal favorite bellowed by highly educated Black women for decades, about how they simply just cannot find a Black man “on her level”.

Why would Black women do this, you may ask? Well, I have a novel theory that just might explain it. It goes something like this…

Many Black women have seriously complicated sexual motives and behavior; this is true of women in general, as the excellent read, “Why Women Have Sex” by evolutionary psychologists David Buss and Cindy Meston make clear; but this seems particularly true with Black women. My reason for saying that is because of the high place of importance Black women across the socioeconomic spectrum place on highly attractive Black men; much more than women of other ethnicities and races, according to Kelli Fisher and Tana Gilmore, two Black female matchmakers with a nationwide practice (“Why Is It So Hard For Black Women to Find The Love They Deserve?”, Essence, Nov 5, 2015). Such conspicuously handsome, suave and accomplished Black men are extremely rare – and so, to get around being harshly judged for their shallowness and frivolity, what Black women have done over the past three decades or so, is masterfully crafted a narrative that holds that there is simply a “dearth” of “eligible” Black men – which takes us back to the incarceration, down low and not enough Black men being on their level “arguments”, for starters. All of this acts as a kind of fig leaf over their more base desires – something that, Black women from the middle and upper middle white collar classes in particular have to be careful not to let slip – and so these other “reasons”, “rationales” and downright “excuses” all serve to give Black women very good plausible deniability as to how and why they have so much trouble attracting and/or locking down the elusive Select Fuckboy, er, Conspicuously Handsome/Smooth/Accomplished Guy. After all the many years of “the narrative”, acting as a convincing “cover story” for why so many Black women are so unlucky in love, if the word got out as to the REAL reason why so many Black women are coming up short – and it has a heck of a lot more to do with what’s easy on the eyes than what the true measure of a man is – the social blowback could be downright explosive.

And Black women writ large, know it.

Hence, “the narrative” – which, until very recently, has incredibly gone without any real challenge, for some three decades running now(!). But, I contend, that may finally be changing – as the Facebook vignette from above bears out.

SHAMELESS PLUG AD BREAK: Like what you’re reading now? Wait till you see my very first book, “The Book of Obsidian: A Manual for the 21st Century Black American Gentleman”, which comes out Summer 2020! Here’s YOUR chance to help me bring the dream to life, by supporting “The Book of Obsidian Fundraising Campaign”! All the details are over at Now, back to the article!

A popular topic in Black social media circles and venues, particularly those that have to do with either the Black Manosphere, “Pickup” or both, concerns itself with how best to appeal to the particular tastes of Black women. While the more “pat” view is to tell Non-Select Guys to try to ape Select Fuckboys, my own approach is quite contrarian – simply “Do Your Part”. What does that mean, specifically?

“Do Your Part” means that you are:

1. Reasonably fit for a Black man of your age
2. Well groomed
3. Well dressed (An Obsidian is ALWAYS suited and booted when going out!)
4. Well spoken
5. Well-mannered
6. Courteous and polite
7. Accomplished in some way
8. Earnest & forthright

So long as you have met the above requirements, tailored to YOU, like a bespoke suit, you need not worry about anything else; you have done your part! If ole girl ain’t feeling you, THAT’S PERFECTLY OK – it doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you, nor her; it simply means, that you weren’t her cup of tea. And that is no crime, fellas.

What A LOT of Black women frequently do, is conflate THEIR personal (sexual) preferences in a Black man, with a Black man’s competence – often blaming the lack of the latter for their inability to secure the former – THIS IS NOT A PROBLEM YOU CAN OR SHOULD SOLVE. Black women frequently complain as a way to get Black men – often those they have any attraction for the least – to solve problems for them. THIS IS NOT YOUR JOB. You have plenty of problems of your own to attend to – helping Black women bridge the divide between Non-Select Guys and Select Fuckboys ain’t one of them.

The simple truth is that NO Black man will turn every Black woman’s crank. Now, to be sure, there are some Black men who turn more Black female cranks than others; and some Black men who “do it” for only a small number of Black women. These are both facts of life and also, COMPLETELY OUT OF YOUR CONTROL. It is NOT your responsibility to get a Black woman to “like” you – so long as you have done what you were supposed to do, per the list above, all else is up to her. If she’s feeling you, great; and if she’s not, GREAT! Simply move on to the next Black woman – or better yet, simply move on to the increasing number of women beyond Black America’s borders who have strongly indicated their interest in what Non-Select Guys have to offer. The world is a very big place, my friend and you owe it to yourself to consider, carefully, ALL of your options.

SHAMELESS PLUG AD BREAK: Like what you’re reading now? Wait till you see my very first book, “The Book of Obsidian: A Manual for the 21st Century Black American Gentleman”, which comes out Summer 2020! Here’s YOUR chance to help me bring the dream to life, by supporting “The Book of Obsidian Fundraising Campaign”! All the details are over at Now, back to the article!

A word should be said about a topic that is rarely if ever broached in these kinds of discussions (Another “true first” for this column!) – and that is this:

There’s a kind of unspoken “rule” for Non-Select Black men that holds, that you should be “content” to be getting any interest from Black women at all and that you are almost obligated to “hop on it”. Please let the record show that I could not DISAGREE MORE.

While it was certainly true in the past century that mating had as much to do with practical, pragmatic considerations as it did with personal, desire-based considerations coming in a distant second, today, the situation has completely changed. Dating and mating are personal concerns almost wholly driven by desire, not practicality and certainly not desperation. Nothing good can come from you “settling” for the Black women “who are attracted to you” if you don’t feel attracted to them – and quiet as is kept, this sort of thing goes on a lot more in present-day Black American life than we’re willing to admit.

Why am I saying all this? Well, aside from the aforementioned, is because it is not all uncommon for Non-Select Guys to attract Black women that they aren’t attracted to, but which Black American society says he should “get with” – either because they “match” in some way – you know, the old saw about “nerdy Black guy gets with nerdy Black girl”, for example – or simply because “she’s probably the best you’re gonna get”. The only one who can and should have a say in these matters, is YOU. You and you alone, can make the call as to whether a Black woman who has shown interest you want to pursue further – and you have as much a right to say “No, thank you” as any Black woman who curbs a guy. No matter what anyone says, you have a right to have standards, too – and, to have the right to impose those standards onto the Black women who cross your path.

The next decade will be quite illuminating; may we all live in very interesting times!

Now adjourn your asses…


Mumia Obsidian Ali is a citizen journalist, podcaster, talk radio show host, newly minted dating coach and soon to be book author. You can catch his daily live shows on Mixlr, and his podcasts on YouTube and Black Avenger TV, as well as his weekly dating coach column at the Negromanosphere website. He’s also a semi-professional pest.

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