“Don’t talk about it, be about it!”
-All black women….all of them
This is actually one of the few things I agree with them on and it’s intrinsic to a Man’s overall persona and presence. While it’s important to have the gift of gab in certain situations, it’s equally important not to verbally disclose everything about yourself.
And this isn’t just with women. This applies to work, projects, negotiations, or anything else you can think of during your interactions with other people in any environment.
But within the context of building attraction with women, there is a common trope that is used that applies to this very concept: Discovery trumps Disclosure
Disclosure is telling a woman about your strengths, accolades, accomplishments, abilities, resources, etc. This comes off as try hard and validation seeking which is unattractive to women.
Allowing a woman to organically learn these things without you having to push the narrative about you is discovery. This has a much more profound effect on girls in many ways.
Another reason discovery is better than disclosure is that when you tell a female something, she doesn’t fully believe you. A lot of people say a lot of things, especially when they’re trying to impress someone. Disclosing something you want her to know doesn’t necessarily mean she believes you. Because of this she’ll always be looking for “proof” that what you said is true.
When a women discovers something about you, she knows it to be 100% true…especially if she doesn’t get the impression that you staged anything (a lot of Men do this and it’s always a bad idea because most women have a sixth sense for sniffing out bullshit). There’s no need to prove anything because she’s just seen it with her own two eyes.
A few examples
Let’s take a look at a few examples of discovery vs. disclosure in action:
Example 1: You speak Spanish
You: “I’m bilingual ya know. I speak Spanish”
Her: “Say something in Spanish.”
You: “Tu eres extremadamente bella”
Her: “What does that mean?”
You: “It means you are very beautiful”
Her: “Awwww that’s so sweet!”
Now you may think you’ve impressed her and you may very well have. But in the back of her mind she’s not 100% sure that what you said really means what you told her it meant. Plus, you allowed her to give you instructions. She told you to “say something in Spanish” and you happily obliged because you want to jump at the chance to impress her. This is validation seeking and unattractive because you are the prize. Not her.
You’re at a convenience store and the guy ahead of you speaks broken English and is having a hard time communicating with the cashier. So you politely say to the customer “¿Hablas español?” to which he replies “Si.”
You then proceed to translate the conversation between the customer and the cashier. When your girl sees this her eyes will twinkle with admiration and her vagina will moisten. Not only does she now know you speak Spanish (as proved by your conversation with a native Spanish speaker which is 100% iron-clad proof that you are, indeed, fluent in Espanol), she’s impressed by the fact that you think it’s no big deal.
Her: “OMG you speak Spanish?!”
You: Shrug your shoulders like it’s no big deal “Yeah.”
This makes her pussy wet. Period.
Her discovering you speak another language will stick in her mind for the duration of the relationship as opposed to her making you jump through hoops to prove what you said to her.
Example 2: You hiked The Appalachian Trail
You: “I hiked The Appalachian Trail”
Her: “What’s that?”
You: “It’s a 2,200 mile trail that spans 14 states and it takes about 5 months to complete on foot.”
Gentlemen, she is not impressed. Not only does she not know what The Appalachian Trail is, she doesn’t care because you brought it up. Plus, how does she know it’s 2,200 miles and takes 5 months to hike on foot? That might be something you just made up.
And even if she got curious enough to Google it, she still has doubts about the validity of your claim because there was no immediate proof that you did it. And even if you break out your phone and show her, it still falls flat because this comes off as validation seeking and trying to impress a woman.
She’s at your place and she sees 20 pictures of you on a trail, in the mountains, at camp sites, and various other outdoor venues. She also notices that in each picture, your facial hair and the hair on your head gets progressively longer.
Her: “Your hair keeps getting longer and longer in these pictures! Where are these from?”
You: “Oh yeah….these are from when I hiked The Appalachian Trail a while back.” (You’re not jumping at the chance to impress her so you don’t tell her anything else)
Now she’s curious about The Appalachian Trail because she brought it up having discovered your pictures. She whips out her phone and Googles it:
Her: “OMG! You hiked over 2,000 miles??”
Her: “How long did it take?!”
You: “A little over 5 months.”
Her: “So you hiked across 14 states?!”
See how this works? She is far more impressed having discovered this incredible feat you accomplished. Again, this will stick in her mind.
Example 3: I’m good with children
A few years back, I wrote on article on Return Of Kings that highlighted the discovery trumps disclosure doctrine:
Two Christmases ago my sister and brother in-law came west to spend the holidays with me. Aside from their shopping and holiday preparations they wanted to do some gambling and maybe get into a bit of foolishness.
They have three young children (10, 6, and 4 at the time of their visit) so nights out on the town were a luxury rarely afforded them. I’ve never been much for holiday shenanigans so I was more than happy to watch my nephew and nieces while they headed downtown to indulge in the bright lights and casinos and enjoy a few kid free nights.
One such evening, a girl I had just started dating stopped by after she got off work. My nephew and I had a blast playing Halo while my nieces watched and enjoyed the spectacle. Afterwards we ate our weight in Christmas sweets (Uncle Donovan was always the cool uncle because “you let us eat all the candy we want!”). We all laughed and had a great time while my girl looked on with a dreamy look on her face she couldn’t get rid of.
After I put them to bed my girl ranted and raved about how great I was with kids and how I’m going to make a wonderful father and how my kids are going to love me and so forth. We had crazy sex that night and it continued for quite a while.
Once again this little event changed our relationship for the better. She became more unselfish between the sheets, made more of an effort to look good for me, made herself available much more often and even took to cleaning my apartment when she came over. All of this was in an effort to push for an LTR, which she eventually verbalized.
Funny thing is, this girl had just turned 21 and made it very clear early in our courtship that she had no interest in having children or settling down (verifying the carousel ticket she no doubt received in her teens) which was fine by me. Yet, when she saw me interacting with my sister’s children she stepped into a phone booth and turned into Super Girlfriend.
Now just because I’m good with children doesn’t mean I want them…and I most certainly do not. But if a woman sees you’re good with kids, her attraction level sky rockets as a natural bi product of her feminine hard drive. It is quite literally chick crack.
Plus, if you tell a woman “I love children” or “I’m great with children”, all she’s gonna do is put you in the provider category which is not where you want or need to be.
But once again, when a woman discovers you’re good with kids rather than you volunteering this information it has a much more profound and lasting effect on her psyche about you.
The bottom line is…
…show and don’t tell. Actions speak louder than words, gentlemen. Like I said before, anybody can say anything. But when people, particularly females, actually see what you’re about without you having to tell them, it carries much more weight and creates a much stronger impression.