First off, let’s define what an ultimatum is:
Ultimatums are choices with verbalized consequences.
You can choose to get up earlier in order to show up to work on time, or you can continue to be late. That’s a choice you make. The consequence is that if you’re late, you lose your job. If you’re on time, you KEEP your job. Choices, consequences.
You can choose to clean your room to avoid being grounded, or you can choose not to and get grounded. That, again, is a choice.
Choices are characterized as ultimatums when the consequences are verbalized. It’s common sense that if you’re always late to work that you’re probably not going to keep your job for very long. So when you lose your job and the company sites perpetual tardiness, you shrug your shoulders and think “yep, that sounds about right”
But when your boss calls you into his office and says “Donovan, if you’re late again, your fired” NOW it’s an ultimatum because the consequences have been VERBALIZED.
It’s common sense that if you don’t work out and you eat crap all the time that you’re going to get fat. That’s a choice you make. But when a girl asks you for the title of girlfriend and you tell her “That’s fine, but if you get fat, we’re done” she’ll call that an ultimatum because you verbalized the consequences and GIRLS DO NOT LIKE THAT and that’s where we come full circle with this.
You see fellas, girls don’t like being told by Men they do not respect what the consequences of their actions will be. Hell, they don’t like hearing it from Men they actually love and respect. That hate that shit. Why? Because now she can’t say “Well I didn’t know! I didn’t know that if I got fat he’d dump me. I didn’t know that if I kept texting my ex he’d dump me.”
But the funny thing is that when you finally bring it up in a conversation when you’re telling her “Look Ashley, you keep texting Kevin in sales so we’re finished.” No less than 10 times out of 10 she gonna say
“WELL WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME!”
And the answer to that loaded question is because when Men DO express their concerns for behaviors like this what do girls say?
“I don’t respond well to ultimatums”
They get you both ways guys. Girls are always bitching about how much they want their Men to communicate with them but what they DON’T tell you is that they only want communication that’s comfortable. Communication that doesn’t hold them accountable. Communication that doesn’t make crystal clear what the consequences of their actions are.
Women don’t like knowing what the consequences are because they want the plausible deniability to say “I didn’t know.”
Now let’s make one thing clear: Girls DO know there are consequences to their actions. They DO know that if they get fat, you’re gone because when they start gaining weight, they start hitting the gym and chicken salad rather than FRIED chicken.
On the other hand, women aren’t mind readers. Yes, they do know that there are consequences to behaviors conducive to infidelity and loss of attraction but there are so many behaviors that they engage in that are characterized as normal and healthy that a lot of them honestly don’t think there’s any harm in hitting the club with their friends every Friday night. They don’t realize that keeping in contact with their ex breeds distrust. Girls today have been raised to believe that behaviors that lead to cheating are perfectly normal and healthy and that any Man who objects to them is toxic and that the relationship is “unhealthy.
For this reason, it’s up to Men to verbalize these expectations AND the consequences but only WHEN NECESSARY which leads me to the next element of ultimatums: Ultimatums are the VERY last resort. If you catch your girl texting her ex tell her “I told you that if you wanted to be my girlfriend, to stop texting your ex.” If she respects you, she’ll apologize and stop the behavior.
Don’t be the “one strike and you’re out” guy. It’s unrealistic to expect perfection. Girls are going to mess up and they’re going to shit test us. Maybe she texted him out of habit, maybe she did it out of disrespect, maybe she did it to shit test you. Whatever the reason, you tell her to stop and leave it at that.
If you catch her AGAIN, then THAT’S when you give her the ultimatum which is “You can either stop texting your ex, or you’re gone.” And at that point she has a choice to make: She can stop texting her ex and keep you around, or she can continue texting him and lose you. It’s that simple. And guess what….some girls will choose the latter. Because the truth is that if she texts her ex after you told her not to, she doesn’t respect you which means she was on her way out the door anyway.
You warned her the first time as a courtesy. You gave her the benefit of the doubt because as a Man who understands female nature, you understand that she’s gonna shit test you from time to time (again, this is in her nature) and that she’s not gonna be perfect. But if you catch her again, that’s usually a tell tale sign that she was about to cheat on you so you’re doing both of you a favor by giving her a choice.
Now when it comes to other behaviors like bitchiness, neuroticism, lack of self awareness and things of that nature, there’s usually a 3 step process. The first step is passive dread, the second step is active dread, and the third step is the choice or as women would call it the ultimatum. That’s a topic for another article.
But it’s worth noting that women characterize choices with verbalized consequences as “bad” because they don’t like that both choices require sacrifice. She doesn’t want to stop texting her ex but she also wants to keep you as a boyfriend. She wants to keep eating donuts and fried chicken for breakfast and skipping the gym but she wants you to keep wanting to fuck her. In other words, girls want it both ways. They want their cake and eat it too. They want all the rewards without any of the consequences.
Women only call choices ultimatums when they don’t like either of the choices that you give them. If you were to tell her “Stop texting your ex or I’m going to stay with you” she’d be like “Sure!” I can do that! Of course she is….there’s no sacrifice. She gets to engage in the bad behavior and keep the boyfriend.
Women don’t like hearing what the consequences to their actions are because they’re not used to it. They’re used to behaving badly and getting away with it.
Unprotected sex with the D.J. in the club bathroom that leads to an unwanted pregnancy? Abortion.
Have 3 kids by 3 different Men? Food stamps, free housing, and free health care.
Spent her entire paycheck on clothes and the new iPhone but can’t pay her rent? She calls Dad and he pays it for her OR she gets one of her beta orbiters to.
Women these days are simply oblivious to the concept that for every sequence, there is a CONsequence. They’re used to getting off scot free no matter how many bad decisions they make.
I saw an example of this on a show I was watching a couple years back and I talked about it on a previous podcast. You can listen to it here (start at 3:57).
This girl had so many traffic violations they actually suspended her license. And anyone who knows anything about the court system, women RARELY get their licenses suspended. It has to be multiple egregious charges for a judge to actually suspend the license of a woman, so this chick has obviously had her share of run ins with the law…..but she was still driving. No concept of consequences. And i can guarantee you that she’s been caught driving multiple times but she continues to do so because cops won’t arrest her for driving while license revoked.
This girl had cocaine AND meth on her and 3 outstanding warrants and she was not arrested. And we wonder why women are always outta pocket. If the cops don’t enforce the law with females how can we expect them to act right? If they’re getting away with shit all time time, we can’t be surprised when they get outta pocket.
Anyway, women aren’t used to being held accountable for anything. They’re not used to consequences and this is why they respond so negatively when a Man actually puts his foot down and says “Hey stop that shit or else!”
But because women have shown us that they need to have things spelled out for them on account of their ignorance, insubordination or both, an ultimatum then becomes necessary.
Again, Ultimatums are THE LAST resort. If you’re always having to give your woman ultimatums, you’re either with the wrong woman or you’re weak and she doesn’t respect you. Women will shit test you every so often to make sure you’re still the man they fell in love with but if she’s shit testing you all the time, she doesn’t respect you. And if she doesn’t respect you she cannot love you.
By the same token, if you’ve been with her for a while, she’s put in the time, she’s put in the work, and she’s got skin in the game, extend her the courtesy of a warning in the form of an ultimatum.
And let me reiterate….the word “ultimatum” is the dirty word for choice. It’s a choice that requires your woman to sacrifice something. Either the bad behavior, or her relationship with you. They don’t like having not having it both ways so they gave the word “choice” a negative connotation by calling it an “ultimatum”
The word ultimatum is a shaming tactic designed to keep you from verbalizing the consequences. And it’s worked! Guys are always saying “Well I don’t wanna give her an ultimatum” yeah you do….but you’re afraid she’ll leave you because she told you that she doesn’t respond well to ultimatums which is code for “If you give me choices i don’t like, I’m outta here.” So you keep your mouth shut and allow her to continue to walk all over you until she’s fucking Kevin in Sales on her lunch break and tells you later on that you two need to start seeing other people.
So if you think your girl won’t respond to ultimatums, that’s a YOU problem. It means she doesn’t respect you. It means your value isn’t high enough. It means SHE is in control.
But if you have your shit together, and you know your woman respects you, and you keep her ass in line, demand her best at all times, and are the true captain of the ship, the furthest you’ll get in course correction is active dread.
But regardless of how tight your game is, there WILL come a time when you WILL have to verbalize those consequences and trust me when I tell you it WILl be necessary. It won’t happen often but it will happen. You WILL have to issue that ultimatum….and when you do, you’ll look her dead in the eye with the fury of a thousand suns, say what needs to be said, and be ready to end the relationship right then and there if she “doesn’t respond well.”
Your woman will KNOW you’re not fucking around and her ass WILL fall in line. Just like she’ll wake up an hour earlier to make it to work on time. RESPECT.
So if your woman asks you “Is this an ultimatum?” You say “This is a choice. And you better make it quick because I’ve got shit to do.” And leave it at that.
This won’t be characterized as an ultimatum in her mind. It’ll be seen as “my man put his fucking foot down and even though it pissed me off, he was right and i respect him for putting me in my place.”