Lessons Learned From The Boris Kodjoe Fiasco

Last week's public humiliation of Black American heartthrob Boris Kodjoe by his wife Nicole Ari Parker, reveals powerful lessons for Non-Select Guys

Here stands Mr. Boris Kodjoe, King of the Select Guys - but it didn't stop him from being publicly humiliated by his wife, Ms. Nicole Ari Parker, now did it?
Here stands Mr. Boris Kodjoe, King of the Select Guys – but it didn’t stop him from being publicly humiliated by his wife, Ms. Nicole Ari Parker, now did it?

“The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is ‘What does a woman want?”
-Sigmund Freud

First it was Tina Knowles’ public emasculation and rank disrespect of her second husband, Hollywood fixture Richard Lawson, on the internationally televised series, “Black Love” on the Oprah Winfrey Network. Then it was Ayesha Curry’s public laments about not “getting attention” from other men no less; her husband is the three-time NBA champion Golden State Warrior Steph Curry.

And now, it’s Boris Kodjoe’s turn.

Last week, Black social media was ablaze with chatter in response to an Instagram livestream where actress Nicole Ari Parker did a mashup of Tina and Ayesha with Boris in tow; she both lamented the lack of attention and dissed her hubbie of some 15 years, all at the same time, before all in the world.

Keep in mind please, that none of the Black men cited have been known for marital infidelity or cruelty; none of them have been known to be drug or alcohol addicted; none of them are known to have protracted money problems, i.e., being “hobosexuals” as so many Black women lament on social media; and so on. These aren’t the Tiger Woods’ and Antoine Fuqua’s – the “Select Fuckboys” – of Black American high society. These are genuine “select guys” that Black women across the country swoon over. And yet, look at them – who among us would want to trade places with the whole lot of them? There isn’t enough gold in Fort Knox to get me to do so!

While Black public discussion continues about Parker’s antics and Kodjoe’s supposedly “unbothered” response, your correspondent has what I think is a novel take on last week’s events that will have powerful implications for the Non-Select Guy moving forward. Read on!

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THE “SELECT GUY ACID TEST”
First, we have to get the bleedingly obvious out of the way. Of all the three Black men mentioned above, Boris Kodjoe is most known for something he had little to do with – hitting the genetic lottery in the minds of millions of Black Americans. Whereas Lawson’s worked in Hollywood for a half a century and Curry has three NBA titles to his name, Kodjoe is best known for being a handsome face.

This latter detail is very important for us Non-Select Guys, because let’s face it, we’ve been told by a growing crop of Black male dating coaches and relationship experts that it’s only us who have protracted, over the top problems with Black women – and the “solution”, of course, is to spend considerable sums of hard earned cash with them to “teach us” how to be, in a word, more like them. Alrighty then, let’s assume that we buy into that notion.

How then, does one explain what happened to Kodjoe? His looks haven’t faded; a recent podcast I made last week and posted to my still-nascent Instagram account shows unprecedented activity and attention from Black women, with that post, that featured a picture of Kodjoe with the caption, “Boris Kudjoe Proves What Black Women Really Want” (Pardon the mangling of Boris’ surname!), proves that.

If there’s anything to be learned from last week’s fiasco, it’s that “being select” will NOT insulate you from Black Female Fuckery – Boris, is the proof.

And indeed, if there’s something else to be learned from last week’s events, it’s that ALL Black men endure some degree of Black Female Fuckery (BFF) – WITHOUT exception. Idris Elba, another highly desirable and “select” Black man in the eyes of Black women, is another case in point: He’s on his THIRD marriage to a Black woman. And that’s not counting his other romantic attachments and dealings with Black women. One would think that Black men like these would be a shoo-in for a relationship and/or marriage, pretty much with the Black women of their choice, without incident, right?

Wrong.

Now, to be sure, our dating coach and relationship interlocutors for Black men would tell us that some Black men will have to endure more BFF than others; and on this point I and I strongly suspect, any thoughtful, reasonable person would agree. But we know what they really mean: that Non-Select Guys have to put up with MORE BFF than supposedly “Select Guys”. Again, for the moment, let’s assume that on balance, this is true; it still doesn’t account for the facts mentioned above, about Black men who got where they are in life BECAUSE of their supposedly “select” status. ALL OF THEM have endured disrespect, humiliation and emasculation at the hands of their Black wives, and all in a VERY public fashion.

It is in no way surprising to your correspondent that our erstwhile interlocutors have been quiet as church mice in the wake of last week’s events; after all, what could they say in light of the evidence that we all personally saw and witnessed with our own eyes?

SHAMELESS PLUG AD BREAK: Like what you’re reading now? Wait till you see my very first book, “The Book of Obsidian: A Manual for the 21st Century Black American Gentleman”, which comes out Summer 2020! Here’s YOUR chance to help me bring the dream to life, by supporting “The Book of Obsidian Fundraising Campaign”! All the details are over at GoGetFunding.com. Now, back to the article!

BEING “SELECT” HAS ITS LIMITS
Here’s the truth that none of them will tell you: In Black America, where it has been documented seven ways to Sunday that Black women across the socioeconomic spectrum praise leading man good looks and charisma above all else in a Black man, YES, being “select” can and often does, get your foot in the door – you’ll have many more “shots on goal” in terms of meeting, greeting and chatting up the ladies – a major consideration given the infamous antisocial behavior of so many Black women (“The Sadie Hawkins Dance For Adults”, Oct 21, 2019, Negromanosphere.com). And YES, that can and often does, “convert” into a one night stand, a weekend fling, being “cuffed” for a season…you get the idea.

Fair enough.

But what NONE of our Black male dating coach and relationship expert interlocutors will say – and what Lawson, Curry, Kodjoe and Elba, clearly prove, is that merely being “select” alone, is no guarantor of long term relationship or marital success. In fact, most of our interlocutors themselves, have at best spotty track records in this arena. ALL of them whether they want to admit it or not, focus their attention on short term mating success – casual sex with the most number of (Black) women possible. And to be sure, there’s a strong market for that sort of thing; Iceberg Slim’s classic memoir, “Pimp” wouldn’t be among the most commercially successful writs in “Black genre” literature if that wasn’t the case.

The simple truth of the matter is, that when it comes to long term mating success, a completely different kind of skillset, natural or acquired, is called for and let’s be honest, the vast majority of the loyal opposition comes up woefully short on that front. Like I said, most them are documented failures at the Long Game of Love themselves and thus, are wise for not straying “out of their lane” on the topic of how to get and KEEP a Black woman happy over the longhaul. But with that being said, keeping Black women happy for any length of time longer than it takes to get her to orgasm, is a daunting task, indeed. Which leads me to the next point: What do Black women really want? Because if the ordeals of the “select” Black men cited in today’s column are anything to go by, even when Black women get the “select guys” that they swoon over, it clearly ain’t enough. Sigmund Freud may have been perplexed by this question; but he was a man of and for his times. We’re in a different era now; and I think that when it comes to most Black women today, I just might have the answer.

SHAMELESS PLUG AD BREAK: Like what you’re reading now? Wait till you see my very first book, “The Book of Obsidian: A Manual for the 21st Century Black American Gentleman”, which comes out Summer 2020! Here’s YOUR chance to help me bring the dream to life, by supporting “The Book of Obsidian Fundraising Campaign”! All the details are over at GoGetFunding.com. Now, back to the article!

WHAT BLACK WOMEN REALLY WANT – AND ARE LOATHE TO PUBLICLY ADMIT
What all of the aforementioned Black “power couples” have in common, are “strong, accomplished” Black women and long-suffering, rather meek and mild Black men. This dynamic, real or perceived, has a strong place of cultural importance in Black American life; “Big Mama” was always seen as rather loud and boisterous, while “Pop-Pop” was the “strong and silent” type. Although in the last century, particularly its first half, Black women’s roles in a segregated society were limited, today the sky is the limit for them – and they know it. Black women at every turn will bellow to anyone who will hear, how strong, independent, educated and accomplished they are – but that’s something we already know by now. When it comes to mating, Black women of today – maybe always – want something else. Until now, it has never been put into writing in such lucid, vivid fashion. But here it is:

What Black woman really want is a conspicuously handsome Black man that they can boss around. There, I said it. For many “A type” Black women, they honestly do believe that they are smarter and more “on the ball” than the vast majority of Black men; and for some of them – a noted minority, a noted minority as it turns out – they don’t “need a man” to survive (“REPORT SHEDS GRIM DETAILS ON BLACK WOMEN’S NET WORTH”, Jan 25, 2018, BlackEnterprise.com). This has freed them up to indulge their more base desires – and one of them is engaging in what Dr. Sam Vaknin has referred to as “gender vertigo” – to switch gender roles in relationships (“Manosphere – Misogynistic Suicide by Woman: PUAs, Incels, MGTOWs, and Pillers (Red and Black)”, Apr 18, 2020, YouTube.com). Many Black women, especially those considered to be smart, driven, outspoken and successful, actually enjoy the idea of “switching things up” – of being the one who makes the lion’s share of the money, who gets to call all the shots in the home and who has a “trophy dick” on display.

And while it could be argued that many such Black women would demure from openly expressing such desires and notions for fear of widespread Black male backlash, what all of the above examples cited in today’s column prove is that there are quite a few Black men willing to go along with such an arrangement. To date, none of the highly desirable, “select” Black men have separated or otherwise divorced their wives, or have even publicly expressed displeasure at their wives’ clearly disrespectful behavior and actions. Indeed, both Curry and Kodjoe have come out in defense of their wives’ outta pocket behaviors(!) (“Golden State Warriors star Steph Curry defends wife Ayesha Curry after backlash to marriage comments”, May 10, 2019, Deseret.com; “Boris Kodjoe Calls Cheating Rumors ‘BullSh@&$’ After Wife Nicole’s Awkward IG Live Moment”, Apr 15, 2020, BlackAmericaWeb.com).

All of which clearly indicate to me, that there are “select” Black men out there who can and will play along. And, to be fair, you really can’t knock it; after all, this IS a free country, where Americans are free to enter into any personal arrangements with others as they see fit.

That being said however, it is also clear that there are quite a few Black men who are NOT willing to play along – and which have begun to manifest itself at the ballot box, as my last two columns clearly bears out. In my next column, I will explain a bit more of this “gender vertigo” and how it manifests in present day Black American dating and mating life.

Now adjourn your asses…

MOA

Mumia Obsidian Ali is a citizen journalist, podcaster, talk radio show host, newly minted dating coach and soon to be book author. You can catch his daily live shows on the global livestreaming radio website Mixlr, as well as the all-new members-only Obsidian Radio Zoomcast, and his podcasts on YouTube and Black Avenger TV, as well as his weekly dating coach column at the Negromanosphere website. He’s also a semi-professional pest.

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