“Never tell a loved one of an infidelity: you would be badly rewarded for your troubles. Although one dislikes being deceived, one likes even less to be undeceived.”
Ninon De Lenclos
Jay Z released is album 4:44 a few days ago. It’s sparked a lot of controversy on a variety of topics; his criticism of Kanye West, who oddly enough is a featured artist on the album, his perceived shot at Future, who is also featured on the album, and his use of Halle Berry and Eric Benet’s marriage as a cautionary tale, have all received their fair share of coverage.
However, his “apology” and “response” to Beyoncé’s Lemonade album has made the biggest noise. On several tracks of his new album he addresses cheating on her. Of course, as often happens in the black community, once a celebrity mentions something it becomes a hot topic.
Thanks to Jay Z, male cheating is once again to the forefront. Any conversation dealing with relationships, particularly between black men and women, now begins and ends with men and how they cheat. Women in general, but for black women for the purposes of this article, black women specifically, are always dogging black men. One of their most used criticisms is that black men cheat at a prolific rate.
As usually is the case when women are dealing with men, there is little, if any attempt to understand the rationale behind the behavior. There is very little effort spent trying to understand men. Let’s be honest. Most men aren’t valued beyond our abilities to provide what I call the three 3p’s: provide, protect, and please. Put another way, our worth is often reduced to how much money you make, how secure you make her feel, and how much pleasure you provide, be it sexual or non-sexual.
Essentially, in our modern society men are viewed more or less as commodities, and not people. Our feelings, needs, wants, opinions, etc rarely ever discussed. When they are discussed, men usually aren’t present. If there are men present, they are not an accurate representation of men in the aggregate. They are carefully vetted, handpicked men that will say what is pleasing to women, rather than tell the truth.
On behalf of all real brothers everywhere, I’d like to answer the question, why do men cheat? I believe that there are two types of cheating men. I call them serial and circumstantial cheaters. Let’s discuss them.
Serial cheaters are exactly as their name implies. They cheat without compunction. They have no moral compass. They have no real desire for a relationship or companionship. Sex is their end game. Often times they will use less than honest means to achieve their goal, which is sex. They’ll often use a relationship or the possibility of a relationship as a conduit to further their goal. Here is where at least some the sisterhood’s complaint is valid.
As we all know we live in modern society. Many of the behavioral conventions of the past no longer exist. The simple truth is women, more than they are willing to admit, enjoy sex just as much as men. Many of them will willingly engage in a no strings attached, sexual relationship, so long as they are propositioned for it up front.
Often time serial cheaters lack the game or confidence to be honest about their intentions for fear of rejection. Let’s be honest. Straight up sex is not something that every woman will be down for, but there are plenty of women who will be. There’s no need to lie. Just tell her what your about and either she is with it or she isn’t.
Like serial cheaters, they are as their name implies. These are guys who under normal circumstances are stand up guys. They are faithful and value relationships. The circumstantial cheater is one who cheats because he loves his woman, but she isn’t meeting his needs.
Often times we as men are oversimplified. Do we enjoy sex? Of course men enjoy sex. That doesn’t mean that is the only thing that matters to men. Every man wants to be treated with respect and to have is wants and needs addressed.
Circumstantial cheaters, in my opinion make up the majority of male cheaters. Despite what women would have you believe, the majority of men don’t cheat. When circumstantial cheaters do decide to cheat, it isn’t because he just wants some new pussy. He cheats because has some want or need that is isn’t being met at home, so begins to look elsewhere. When he is happy and well taken care of he’s not looking for anyone else.
This type cheating happens more often than not because women do the bare minimum and think that their man should be happy with it. She put all her effort into getting him and not keeping him. A typical example goes something like this. When they’re first dating, they were fucking all the time, now every time he wants some, she’s tired. Or, she spends all her free time on various social media platforms, yet she can’t make time for him.
Now, the man who under normal circumstance has no desire to cheat begins to notice other women because he isn’t getting what he needs or wants at home. Ultimately, he finds a woman that makes time for him or provides whatever it is that he was missing at home, and he transfers sexual feelings on to her.
The sex is byproduct of the fact that she didn’t take care of her man. The seeds of his cheating were sown when she ignored her man.
This is a fact that a lot women don’t want to admit. Actions beget reactions. At the end of the day, cheating is in fact a choice. However, all choices are influenced by variables. Even the most mundane choice, such as what you will wear is affected by variables such as the weather, where you are going, is it clean, etc. Cheating is no different. Ultimately it is up to the man whether or not he will cheat, but all kinds of variables affect the decision. Many women drive their men to cheat and don’t realize it until it’s too late.