Seven Ways To Raise Your Value

Raising your value as a man entails a heck of a lot more than "hitting the gym"

Gentlemen, I present to you a quote you would do well to commit to memory; keep it in mind as you work to become the best version of yourself!
Gentlemen, I present to you a quote you would do well to commit to memory; keep it in mind as you work to become the best version of yourself!

“How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice, practice, practice!”
-Jack Benny

As the dating coach market continues to grow for Black men, a constant refrain I’ve personally heard is that Black men should “be on their purpose”, which is another way of saying “make more money/be more ambitious”; “dressing better”; and my personal favorite, “hitting the gym”. While all of these factors ARE important, I find them – especially the last one – to be terribly limited, and for good reason.

Conversely, I’ve heard from a number of critics of yours truly, that I don’t do enough to address ways in which guys can improve their dating and mating prospects – a ridiculous proposition since my taking this post here as the dating coach in residence on the Negromanosphere website, and anyone who takes even a casual perusal of my work here over the past year will clearly see otherwise.

But since I’m in a jovial mood for their nonsense today, I’m game and I always rise to the challenge.

In today’s column, your correspondent will directly address seven different ways you can improve yourself and raise your dating and mating value as a Non-Select Guy, with an eye toward improving your chances with the ladies in particular, and life in general.

Let’s go!

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Let’s take a look at some of the major ways you can improve your value as a Non-Select Guy, shall we? Here’s the short list:

1. Hitting The Gym/Getting In Shape

2. Improving Interpersonal Relationship Skills

3. Being Better Dressed/Better Groomed

4. Making More Money/Being More Ambitious & Industrious/”Being On Your Purpose”

5. Being A Better Lover

6. Being Funny & Creative

7. Being Well Read/Well Spoken/Being A Better Communicator (Verbal & Written)

We can get more granular with this list, and to be sure there will be those who will disagree with it; but I am satisfied that it covers all of the major bases, so we’ll move on.

In my view, the main reason as to why the rising tide of dating gurus for Black men say “hit the gym” is because, to be brutally frank, it’s the easiest to pull off. Seriously, think about it: It doesn’t take long for a man to get into shape. An easy case in point can be seen the world’s most powerful military on the planet, the United States Armed Forces. Most boot camps last roughly 2-3 months; for example, the US Army’s boot camp is about 10 weeks; the US Air Force and US Navy, both 8 weeks; and the US Marine Corps, 13 weeks (my personal favorite!). These organizations have proven able to whip millions of men into fighting shape within a matter of mere months(!). Think about that!

On the civilian side, there are all kinds of personal trainers, exercise regimens and related products, equipment and videos, all designed to get the everyday guy into better shape than he was before – so, in a very real sense, there really is no excuse for any man NOT to be in reasonable shape today. The actual workouts can be easily emulated and performed and it isn’t tough to adhere to a basic schedule of working out for an hour, four days a week. Not hard at all.

For purposes of today’s discussion, also known as “Game”. Now, THIS is a bit more of a challenge, in no small part due to the fact that A LOT of guys are socially awkward and have piss poor social skills. All of the core essentials and basics have been discovered, covered and discussed to death, so no need for me to go through the litany. Instead, I’ll simply cite some of my personal favorites that an Obsidian would consider to be required reading: The Mystery Method; The Game; Mode One; The Rational Male; and Bang and Day Bang. Unlike the aforementioned, “getting in shape” with regard to Game will take, in my estimation, at least six months to a year of consistent practice, trial and error. It’s actually little wonder that you DON’T hear many Black dating coaches for men cite much actual, scientifically informed and proven, Game in their discussions online, mostly in the form of videos (most of the Black male dating coaches for men don’t write much, and of what relatively little there is out there, it isn’t very good; there, I said it), because most Black male dating coaches know very little of it. You’re not supposed to say that, but it’s the truth. Hence why not many brothers who go to most Black male dating coaches get much in the way of actual Game teaching, coaching and training beyond “Mackin'” type stuff. If that’s where you’re at with it, you might as well stick with Iceberg Slim’s classic “Pimp: The Story of My Life”.

This is yet another one that is relatively easy to pull off; and of course, there are experts that can help. Two right off the bat that I can easily think of and highly personally endorse, are “Saint Kevin” Samuels; and the Style O.G. Both have YouTube channels that create great style and fashion content. Personally, I’ve always had my own sense of style, and have put a lot of thought into how I want to look and what I want to convey to the world at large; and this is something I personally advocate and encourage to my Obsidians. How you look to the world says a great deal about you. Have you taken the time to think about what that is?

Another major talking point of the growing number of Black male dating coaches and the like, and in many ways, who can blame them, right? I mean, who can really be against making more money and being about your business? I certainly can’t…but at the same time, this has never been a major issue for me. I’ve always earned well, and have always been a self-starter in life who knew what I wanted. But it’s become increasingly clear that this is NOT the case – ESPECIALLY for younger Black men out there (those under 30 or so). For example, since the age of 18 and barely a month out of high school, I was employed as a blue collar skilled tradesman where I worked an average of 65 hours a week for 22 years until my early and untimely retirement. I worked so much that my employers placed a limit on the number of hours that I could work, for fear that I might doze off during my morning first shift and either hurt myself and/or hurt others on my team(!). So, in a very real sense, I freely admit that this one is a bit alien to me, but it’s clear that I’m in the minority.

Here’s another favorite of the up and coming Black dating coaches, and the reason(s) why are obvious; yet, there is relatively scant information in this regard. That’s because most Black men don’t read, and the same can be reasonably said of Black male dating coaches. Here’s a few books to get you up to speed: Why Women Have Sex; The Evolution of Desire; A Billion Wicked Thoughts; Sperm Wars; The Mating Mind; Sex at Dawn; & What Do Women Want. You can also checkout The Art of Seduction, a classic work, and while you’re at it, a few really good human anatomy books wouldn’t hurt.

After that, there’s nothing to it but to do it – and like anything else in life, you get out what you put in. That means, having a good bit of sex, trying things out, and gaining more experience with a wider variety of women, are all good things on the path to being a better lover in the sack.

As I’ve proven in a previous column, “Play To Your Strengths” (Jun 15, 2020,, having a sense of humor conveys a higher than average intelligence to women, and signals a wealth of information about you: that you can read and correctly interpret the social cues and moods of others; that you’re verbally facile and emotionally alive; and finally, that you can solve problems that present themselves. That being said, being funny is a very tricky thing; it can be taught, but you have to have an innate sense of timing and social awareness to really pull it off.

As for being creative, much the same thing applies. Creativity is also a proxy for intelligence, and, while certain aspects or dimensions can be learned and taught, it really is a matter of “you either got it or you don’t”. Contrary to popular opinion among many of my Black dating coach peers, this here is a very important element that if at all possible you should work on to improve.

For all the hub bub Black men online and Black male dating coaches in particular put on “having a mouthpiece” actually very little is said or written about how to improve it. Here in this dojo, we place a major emphasis on being well read, and being an effective communicator. The great lover Casanova said that “without speech, the pleasure of love is diminished by at least two-thirds” – and if the romance and erotica novel industries, rightly viewed as “porn for women” – is anything to go by, Casanova would be spot on. All manner of anecdotal and empirical evidence abounds about how women can and will make assessments about you by the way you speak and write; and yet, again this is an area where Black dating coaches have precious little to say or add to the colloquiy. How ironic.

As before, the only way to improve here and raise your value as a Non-Select Guy, is to read. A lot. And write and publicly speak as much as possible. A lot. You can start with the many books and resources I’ve cited in today’s column, and take it from there to virtual discussion platforms like Facetime and Zoom. Use those opportunities to practice your conversational and listening skills – women love being listened to – and so showing them that you’re paying attention to what they’re saying and actively responding will reflect well on you, as well as being well read and informed.

Of all the seven ways a man can improve their lot in life, hands down the toughest is the one above. Training oneself to have a disciplined mind ain’t no joke – and explains how and why you’re not likely to hear many in the growing Black male dating coach market say much about the subject. But since we truly are a cut above in this dojo, we Obsidians pride ourselves on truly improving the WHOLE man – not just “hitting the gym”, “making more money” or “gaining confidence” (whatever the heck that means).

So, where to begin? A strong argument can be made for starting at the top – getting in shape, working out, etc. – and to be fair, I can’t knock it. You really can’t go wrong in being fit, especially insofar as Black women are concerned; but it has its limitations. It’ll get your foot in the door – and then what? If I had a dollar for everytime I’ve ear-hustled a Black woman say something like, “Girl, he was foiiine – until he opened his mouth…”. It may be harsh to say, but the plain truth is that far too many Black men SUCK at being good conversationalists. Here in this dojo, great conversation is job one.

SHAMELESS PLUG AD BREAK: Like what you’re reading now? Wait till you see my very first book, “The Book of Obsidian: A Manual for the 21st Century Black American Gentleman”! Here’s YOUR chance to help me bring the dream to life, by supporting “The Book of Obsidian Fundraising Campaign”! All the details are over at Now, back to the article!

So, there you have it gentlemen: seven distinct ways in which you can improve yourselves and raise your value in the eyes of women out here on these streets. Let’s see what if anything my interlocutors have to say about that, hmm?

Now adjourn your asses…


Mumia Obsidian Ali is a citizen journalist, podcaster, talk radio show host, newly minted dating coach and soon to be author. You can catch his daily live shows on the global livestreaming radio website Mixlr, as well as the all-new members-only Obsidian Radio Zoomcast, and his podcasts on YouTube and Black Avenger TV, as well as his weekly dating coach column at the Negromanosphere website. He’s also a semi-professional pest.

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