She’ll Have The Salad

“When I wake up in the afternoon
Which it pleases me to do
Don’t nobody bring me no bad news
‘Cause I wake up already negative
And I’ve wired up my fuse
So don’t nobody bring me no bad news”
-Mabel King, “The Wiz”

With the walking, talking, living personifaction of a Hot Mess better known to the world as Lizzo – all THREE HUNDRED-PLUS POUNDS of her – in the news for her most recent spectacle at the Staples center during a Los Angeles Lakers basketball game, I thought this was as good a time as any to give my two cents as to how address a MAJOR issue in Black America today and which has a major impact on the dating and mating landscape here as well:

Simply put, Black women in the main, are just too goddamn FAT.

It has long been a sad fact that Black women have now become the fattest on average of ALL Americans, with a clinical obesity rate of 55%, according to, 2015-2016 (“Obesity in Black America”). The Washington Post reported back on May 2, 2013, that Spelman College, one of Black America’s most prestigious universities, was forced to address the very real issue of Black female obesity (“At Spelman College, a program tackles tough issues of weight, health and self-image”). The first-ever Black female gubernatorial candidate for the Peach Tree State and the face of the Democrat Party who gave the response to President Donald Trump’s State Of The Union Address earlier this year, was an obese Black woman, “Sturdy” Stacey Abrams (“Stacey Abrams is making history. So is everyone ready to stop fat-shaming now?”, DailyKos, May 23, 2018 and “Read the Full Transcript of Stacey Abrams’ Rebuttal to President Trump’s State of the Union”, Time, Feb 6, 2019). And, Sep 21, 2016, published a report that read, right in the headline itself(!), that the average dress size of today’s Black woman, is an EIGHTEEN-TWENTY, which is a full TWO dress sizes larger than the average dress of today’s White woman, themselves 14-16 (“Study: The Average American Woman Now Up From a Size 14 to a Size 16 However, the average size for Black women is 18-20”). Please bear in mind, that unlike the aforementioned towering Hot Mess Lizzo, who stands at 5’10”, most Black women have an average height of about 5’3″ or so – and shrinking (“Black American Women Are Getting Shorter, Study Says”, Washington Post, Jan 6, 2009).

Unfortunately, the “shrinking” is going in the wrong direction.

Since I AM a dating coach for the Non-Select Guy and I AM one that focuses on the present-day Black American dating and mating scene, I would be seriously remiss if I didn’t acknowledge a harsh, simple truth: that most Black men, if they want to date, mate with and even marry a Black woman, will be dealing with one that is at best seriously overweight, if not outright obese. And no amount of denial on the part of my fellow Black male dating coaches for Black men, is going to change this fact.

The only thing that WILL change it, is Black men taking this issue on themselves.

While debate rages on in some circles online and elsewhere as to whether Black men writ large have contributed to the current obesity rates of Black women, one thing is absolutely certain: Black women do not seem to have much in the way of motivation to lose the chunk. And many have argued that the chief reason why, is because “Black men” are still having sex with these bloated broads. I put it that way because upon closer inspection, Black men who are successful are rarely out and about with Black women who are the size of Lizzo (308lbs!), Loni Love (209lbs – which I personally don’t believe, as she presents as MUCH bigger), or Jill Scott, who was every bit of 200+ lbs (before she mysteriously shed more than 60lbs – weight-loss surgery, anyone?). At no point in any of these otherwise quite successful Black women’s lives, has there been a successful Black man by their side. And the reason why is only a mirror away.

Nevertheless, the loyal opposition has a point – and so long as Black men don’t raise their standards in Black women in a vocal, public manner, nothing will change.

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Despite the “woke” moment that we currently find ourselves and no matter how much “fat acceptance” the Lizzos and Tess Hollidays of the world attempt to foist on us, the fact remains that not only do successful men of any race demand better from the women they deal with, but the economic costs of being a fat chick can be measured in dollars and cents. Nor is this anything new; as far back as the early 1990s, the research had been done and the verdict was in, as this New York Times article, titled, “WOMEN PAY PRICE FOR BEING OBESE” (Sep 30, 1993) bears out:

“Women who are fat suffer enormous social and economic consequences, a new study has shown. They are much less likely to marry than women of normal weight and are more likely to be poor and to earn far less.”

Nor is this some fly-by-night, slapdash study; it was carefully done with a formidable sample size, pardon the pun:

“The findings are from an eight-year study of 10,039 randomly selected people who were 16 to 24 years old when the research began. It is the first study to document the profound social and economic consequences of obesity by following a population for years.”

The NYT piece continues:

“Fat women were disproportionately found in lower socioeconomic classes, and some researchers say this is because poor women are more likely to eat fat-laden food and junk foods and to get less exercise than richer women. But, Dr. Gortmaker and his colleagues wrote, “our data suggest that at least some of this relation may be a socioeconomic consequence of being overweight.”

And here’s the money shot, fellas:

“The study found that fat women were more likely to lose socioeconomic status independently of their families’ social status or income and independently of how well the women scored on achievement tests when they were adolescents. The fat women were 20 percent less likely to marry, had household incomes that were an average of $6,710 lower and were 10 percent more likely to be living in poverty.”

Got it? Back in 1993, fat chicks were a whole 20 percent LESS likely to marry, 10 percent more likely to live in poverty and had household incomes nearly $7K USD less than their more svelte sisters.

Unless you’re seriously ambitious, talented, successful and just downright lucky – like the three big sistas mentioned above – chances are very, very high that you WILL be poor, any Black man that you can attract will ALSO be poor and and that you’re likely not to marry, either.

Read it weep, (fat) ladies.

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Of course, whenever topics like these come up – that is to say, the desires, needs and concerns of Black men when it comes to Black women – they’re automatically seen as suspect and illegitimate by Black women and all who support them – all the moreso if they just so happen to come from Black men Black women deem as “non-select”. Black men are constantly cajoled, mocked, berated and harangued for “fat-shaming”, “not being able to handle a strong Black woman”, not being a “real man” for not preferring a Baby Mama and of course, my personal favorite, being “colorstruck” if a Black man just so happens to prefer a lighter skinned Black woman over a darker skinned one. Meanwhile, Black women have enjoyed, virtually uncontested, their ability to bemoan the dearth of Select Fuckboys to their liking – starting with looks. As Essence magazine has borne out seventy ways to Sunday, Black women, regardless as to their own condition, demand the best of Black men – and there will be Hell to pay if they don’t get it! To this very day, such august research organizations like the Pew Research Center make no bones about women in general and Black women in particular, finding a man’s employment prospects, current levels of income and ability and willingness to provide for her to be legitimate inquiries of highbrow academic investigation. That no one and I mean no one in the Ivory Tower, the nation’s think tanks or even major media organizations have anywhere near the same zeal in examining the very real impacts of American Black women’s dress sizes would have on the Black marital rate, just begs belief and does give one pause: Are our cultural and thought leaders turning a blind eye to this issue?

Your coach and correpsondent has serious reason to believe so and I think it is tied to the simple fact that Black women still do enjoy two major things in our time: one is major consumer spending power; and two, they still have considerable “soft power” – that is to say, that Black women are seen as something of a “protected class” – and pointing out inconvenient truths in the current moment can open one to attacks and accusations about them being sexist, racist or both, engaging in what Black feminists have coined, “Misogynoir”. London School of Economics professor and evolutionary psychologist Satoshi Kanazawa is a case in point – some years back he suggested that one reason why so many Black women had such a hard time out on the open mating market as expressed by internet-driven dating sites and apps, might be linked to the fact that they were seen as less feminine and more masculine. In very short order he was reprimanded by the prestigious LSE, was unceremoniously booted from his post at Psychology Today and is to this day still considered a pariah, simply for doing what any actual academic does – investigate questions about phenomena in our world.

YOU, dear reader, are just as much entitled to your preferences and standards in Black women as Black women are in Black men; moreover, successful Black men like you, are in a much better position to realize your desires in the types of Black women you prefer, as the classic text, “The Evolution of Desire” makes clear:

“Marriage patterns in modern America confirm the fact that the men with the most resources are the best equipped to actualize their preferences. High-status men, such as the aging rock stars Rod Stewart and Mick Jagger and the movie stars Warren Beatty and Jack Nicholson, frequently select women two or three decades younger. One study examined the impact of a man’s occupational status on the woman he marries. Men who are high in occupational status are able to marry women who are considerably more physically attractive than are men who are low in occupational status.43 Indeed, a man’s occupational status seems to be the best predictor ofthe attractiveness ofthe woman he marries. Men in a position to attract younger women often do.” (pp. 63-64)


“Men who enjoy high status and income are apparently aware of their ability to attract women of higher value. In a study of a computer dating service involving 1,048 German men and 1,590 German women, the ethologist Karl Grammer found that as men’s income goes up, they seek younger partners. 44 Men earning more than 10,000 deutsche marks, for example, advertised for mates who were between five and fifteen years younger, whereas men earning less than 1,000 deutsche marks advertised for mates who were up to five years younger. Each increment in income is accompanied by a decrease in the age ofthe woman sought.” (pp. 64)

And, let’s not fool ourselves here – not only do looks matter A LOT to Black men insofar as Black women are concerned, they play a powerful role in terms of the social status and reputation of highly successful (Black) men, as Buss makes clear:

“The importance that men assign to a woman’s attractiveness has reasons other than her reproductive value. The consequences for a man’s social status are critical. Everyday folklore tells us that our mate is a reflection of ourselves. Men are particularly concerned about status, reputation,
and hierarchies because elevated rank has always been an important means of acquiring the resources that make men attractive to women. It is reasonable, therefore, to expect that a man will be concerned about the effect that his mate has on his social status-an effect that has consequences for gaining additional resources and mating opportunities.” (pp. 59)

And here’s the really great news for the so-called Non-Select Guy:

“Experiments have documented the influence of attractive mates on men’s social status. When people are asked to evaluate men on a variety of characteristics, based on photographs of the men with “spouses” of differing physical attractiveness, the consequences are especially
great for evaluations of men’s status. Unattractive men paired with attractive spouses are rated most favorably on criteria related to status, such as occupational prestige, in comparison with all other possible pairings, such as attractive men with unattractive women, unattractive
women with unattractive men, and even attractive men with attractive women. People suspect that a homely man must have high status if he can interest a stunning woman, presumably because people know that attractive women have high value as mates and hence usually can get
what they want in a mate.” (pp. 60)

Science for the win!

Bottomline: Black men who strive for success have every reason on God’s green earth to desire beautiful, svelte Black women – not only for pleasure and reproductive purposes, but also for social, reputational and even business purposes as well. Having a comely lady on your arm boots your morale, your sperm count and your standing in the world – all of which mightily contribute to your success. Hugely obese Black women on the other hand, do not – proofed by the fact that one is seriously hard pressed to think up many, if any, successful Black men who have such women on their arm. It simply doesn’t happen.

And why should it?

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I’ve mentioned “Saint” Kevin Samuels before in this column, the “style and image guy” who has an international clientele of both men and women. On more than one occasion, he has suggested something that I’ve never heard anyone else put forward before, that might explain, if only in part, exactly why the Black marital rate is so very low; Saint Kevin suggests, that it has a lot to do with Black women’s expanding dress size.

Again, going back to in their “Marriage in Black America” section, we find that the percentage of never-married Black men was only about ten percent and with the exception of 1940 or so – the run-up years to World War 2 – the number remained constant until roughly 1980 or so, when the never-married cohort of Black men shot up like a rocket. Mind you, Black men were MORE married than White men, at a time in this country when it was empirically, demonstrably WORSE for Black men in terms of racial discrimination, bigotry and out and out violence along these lines(!). Although there have been many attempts to explain the aforementioned skyrocketing never-married Black male cohort in the final decades of the last century – like mass incarceration and the deindustrialization of cities – the fact remains that even for highly educated, highly accomplished Black men, they remain unmarried at considerably higher rates than White men, as itself bears out, in its section on “Black Men: Statistics”: as of last year, a whopping 53% of Black men are never-married, a sea change from a century ago.

Now, don’t get me wrong: in no way am I suggesting that mass incarceration or the deindustrialization of America’s legacy blue collar cities, have no role to play in why so many Black men are unmarried today; I am sure evidence can be found that both do. But, when one considers the fact that, back in 1920, the average dress size for an American White woman was 6-8 and if we keep with the BET rule from the cited source above, we can then say that the average dress size for an American Black woman was roughly two sizes up, 10-12, at largest. By the time the 80s rolled around, the nation’s waistline started rolling with it and that pretty much tells you all you need to know about the current state of dating and mating today. Assuming that our guesstimate about Black womens’ average dress size back a century ago is anywhere near accurate, it would mean that today’s Black woman is a full FOUR DRESS SIZES BIGGER/HEAVIER/FATTER than their great-grandmothers – which can and by all accounts, does turn Black men off – at least, insofar as marriage is concerned. Black men – like all American men – make the call as to when, if ever, they pop the question. Clearly, Black men of a previous era had a much stronger motivation to do so, despite the Red Summer of 1919, the infamous race riots, like those in East St. Louis, Rosewood, Tulsa OK, Detroit and Newark, daily lynchings and rife discrimination of all sorts.

A tight, hot female body can do wonders, can’t it?

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With today’s average Black woman being much larger than her forebearers, the inescapable conclusion is that the rank and file Non-Select Guy getting a Black woman the size of his great-grandmother is a thing of the past. Simply put, there aren’t enough of them to go around these days.

And, since Black women have made it clear that they don’t have the motivation to lose the weight on their own and that they consider Black men the leaders of “da communitah”, I have a not-so modest proposal to solve this problem – when taking a Black lady out on a date to a nice dinner, be sure that YOU do the ordering:

WAITER: Are you ready to order, sir?

YOU: Yes, I’ll have the porterhouse steak (cooked however you prefer), baked potato and broccoli, with an Old Fashioned before the main course and seltzer water with the dinner itself; and the lady will have a garden salad, hold the roll, with vinegrette dressing and seltzer water. Thank you!”.

Under NO circumstances are you to allow ANY Black woman you take out that is a dress size 18-20 and up(!) do the ordering, or this is what you can expect to happen; I quote the more-than amply-sized Feminista Jones in her Oct 4, 2019 column for Zora/Medium, “It’s Time to Dispel the Myths About Dating While Fat”:

“Eat whatever you want. If someone has agreed to go out to eat with you, EAT! Dig into your chicken wings, clean your plate with your biscuit, and scrape your fork picking up that last piece of sweet potato pie. Don’t starve yourself or deny yourself the pleasure of enjoying your favorite dish because you’re afraid of being judged, especially if they’re paying. Order dessert too, okay?”

Now, I want you to ask yourself this question: are you seriously going to take a huge heiffer like Jones out to, say, Jean Georges, for a nice dinner, with her acting in the manner she just described? Let me put it to you this way: when’s the last time YOU saw huge broads the size of Jones or Lizzo or Loni Love, at such a nice place such as JG?

To ask the question, is to answer it.

Remember, my brothers: YOU, have full, one hundred percent control of the purse strings; it’s your way, or the highway, real talk. Black women cannot have it both ways: they want Black men to be responsible, not only for themselves but for the behavior of Black women as well; but also want to be able to assert themselves whenever and however they want (recall last week’s column, “The Victim Queen”, Dec 9, 2019).

So – if we must take out larger ladies due to the shortage of smaller ones, then it will be on our terms – and yes, them actively taking the needed steps to rectify the situation – metaphorically and otherwise – is part of the deal. And that starts with us ordering salad for them when we go out.

We’re here to help.

If a broad like Jones, Lizzo or Love attempts to “act out” in the way so many Black women do, simply get up and leave. They are free to pay for their own meals and eat whatever they like. Just not on our dime.

Something tells me they cannot afford to dine at Jean Georges, though.

Now adjourn your asses…


Mumia Obsidian Ali is a citizen journalist, podcaster, talk radio show host and newly minted dating coach. You can catch his daily live shows on Mixlr, and his podcasts on YouTube and Black Avenger TV, as well as his weekly dating coach column at the Negromanosphere website. He’s also a semi-professional pest.

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