Should Nice Guys Be More Like Bad Boys?

With the rise of female dating coaches for men, the idea that "nice guys" should take a page out of the "bad boys" playbook is a disturbing trend

Gentlemen, I present to you, the future of dating coaching for men. ???
                                                      Gentlemen, I present to you, the future of dating coaching for men. ???

“Bad bad, bad, bad boy, you make me feel so good…”
-Gloria Estefan/Miami Sound Machine

While heightened attention, scrutiny and critique has been leveled at the largely male dating coach and Game/Pickup artist for men market, with hit-pieces as recently as last year (“50 years of pickup artists: why is the toxic skill still so in demand?”, The Guardian, Nov 5, 2019), one aspect of the game has largely gone unnoticed: a slow and steadily rising tide of female dating coaches for men. I’ve known about them for quite some time now, but have remained largely silent on the matter due to the simple fact that they were all White women catering to a mostly if not totally White male audience; and well, I’ve always been a firm believer in the idea that “good fences made good neighbors”. I figured that my White colleagues would handle the matter, and while I can’t think of any particular response(s) from them offhand, I was content to let sleeping dogs lie.

That is, until one Ms. D’Neika Marie came along. Hailing from the American Midwest, in her late 20s and easy on the eyes, D’Neika seems to have a knack for bringing all the fellas out to the yard, in her revealing attire, adorned in tattoos and doling out advice to the lovelorn “AFCs” (“Average Frustrated Chumps” in old school pickup lingo) of urban Black America. The fact that Ms. Marie is married doesn’t seem to deter the steady stream of “nice guys” who flock to her regular YouTube livestreams, something I suppose no one can really have too much of a problem with in this time of a global pandemic and restricted movement across the country.

Only thing is, that she – D’Neika Marie – seems to be joining her White sisters in catering to a male audience, especially when it comes to the “nice guy issue”. Nice guys seem to be a very popular topic of discussion on the part of this small but growing sector of the female dating coaching business; Marni, “Your Personal Wing Girl”, Kezia Noble, Appolonia Ponti and WingmamTV, have all weighed in on the matter to the tune of literally millions of views on YouTube alone. And, the eight videos that Ms. Marie has done on the topic thus far over the past year, altogether total upwards of 350K views.

One Black male YouTuber who also fancies himself as something of a dating coach for Black men has hailed female dating coaches in general and Ms. D’Neika Marie in particular as “the wave of the future” in the field; but how well does the hype hold up to the reality – and what is really going on here?

I think it’s time we found out, don’t you?

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THE FORMULA – & THE CONCEIT
Of course, what makes the entire “female dating coaches for men” premise work, is the idea that no one knows women better than women, and that getting a woman’s point of view when it comes to dating and relationships when you’re a man is vital. It certainly doesn’t hurt if this premise is backed up by full to bursting bosoms, lots of skin showing and way above average attractiveness. After all, there aren’t many middle aged and graying female dating coaches for men out there (I think WingmamTV may be the eldest of the lot and even she manages to look pretty good, as far as White ladies go); and in a well-documented male-dominated medium like YouTube which by definition is video and by extension visually driven, an above average looking to flatout hot chick hanging out a shingle as a “female dating coach for men” is a slam dunk – and in some ways, I can’t knock the hustle. Hey, guys wanna gawk at hot chicks, no matter what the pretense; why begrudge these ladies if there are chumps out there who are so desparate to hit them up for “advice”?

If this were a straight ahead camgirl thing, I wouldn’t give a hoot; but the problem for me is, that very little if anything these ladies say, is actual and factual – and we guys, if we’re being 100% brutally honest, know it. If the overall dating coaching for men business had something of a credibility problem, the ladies auxillary certainly ain’t helping in that regard.

As I’ve noted in my weekly on-air critique of the Black Love Industry, the single biggest problem I have with the entire premise of female dating coaches for men is that it is damn near impossible to test out what these ladies “advise” in the field and in real time; you kinda have to take their word for it. And, because in the vast majority of cases, these ladies are easy on the eyes, as well as enjoying other aspects of female privilege (such as not having to meet as stringent standard of performance as do males), they can and will get away with it – with the long term results, implications and fallout for all parties involved, being at best an afterthought.

SHAMELESS PLUG AD BREAK: Like what you’re reading now? Wait till you see my very first book, “The Book of Obsidian: A Manual for the 21st Century Black American Gentleman”! Here’s YOUR chance to help me bring the dream to life, by supporting “The Book of Obsidian Fundraising Campaign”! All the details are over at GoGetFunding.com. Now, back to the article!

D’NEIKA MARIE: NICE GUY WHISPERER, OR THE BAD BOY’S SIREN?
That brings me back to Ms. D’Neika Marie, who it should be noted for the record, has gotten wind of my handiwork over on YouTube and has been keen to drop several lengthy comments in response. They were civil and I’ve extended several invitations to be my guest on my live talk radio show, but I suppose she’s a bit bashful to join yours truly on-air.

In any event, what brought her to my attention – aside from my listeners sending me her videos over roughly the past year – was her contention that there were “strategies” that bad boys use, that would actually help nice guys, if they but took heed (“5 Strategies That Nice Guys Can Take Away From Bad Boys”, YouTube, Jul 27, 2020). This is a notion that is in fact quite common among many Black women; the idea that if the “nice guys”, “lames”, Non-Select Guys and so forth, only “took a page out of the bad boy’s book”, they would be a bit more attractive in their eyes. It’s a tempting proposition, until you get the pixie dust out of your eyes and consider the sobering fact that the very things that make bad boys so attractive to so many Black women in the very first place, are the very same millstones of fuckboyism that gather around their neck – then, these very same “tired” Black women turn to Reformed Select Fuckboys, like Tony Gaskins, Jr. or Derrick Jaxn, for guidance.

Whatever D’Neika Marie’s intentions – and for the record, I think they are good ones, which really scares me (because the road to Hell is always paved with good intentions, right?) – the bottomline outcome of what she is proposing is all but guaranteed not to work on any appreciable scale. It’s like being an alcoholic and asking a bartender to help make you sober. No, what has to happen is that “nice guys” need to become the best versions of themselves, and Black women need, to coin a Biblical phrase, “a renewing of their minds” – and nether regions, ahem. They need to learn how to be attracted to something other than a rougish fuckboy – and if Black women have proven anything, with their uncanny and innate ability to “codeswitch on demand” – it’s their ability to be quick learners when the need calls for it.

That brings me to another very salient point about Ms. Marie in particular: She isn’t known for her homespun wisdom, advice and counsel for her fellow Sistas. Might that be due to the fact that, as a young, above average attractive sista herself who takes good care of herself physically – she definitely is a gym rat and apparently a vegan as well – that the rank and file of the Sistahood wouldn’t take too kindly to her words of advice? Indeed, this is exactly what she said in her comment over on YouTube in response to my latest podcast, “Nice Guys, Bad Boys & Female Dating Coaches: Ms DNeika Marie Revisited” (YouTube, Aug 10, 2020). I quote, in part:

“I dont know if you are familiar with me, but I have made MANY viral videos tackling women (one Derrick Jaxn took and put his “female-caping” spin on and addressed), more specifically Black Women, and you are absolutely right; they attack me, call me a pick-me, and try to butcher me, but I still call it out nonetheless.”

This raises a powerful point, one that just cries out to be addressed: One is very hard pressed to think up many Black women dating coaches and experts FOR Black women – they tend to be, almost to a man, Black men. That can’t be by accident – and neither is one Ms. Rebecca Lynn Pope’s public declaration that she was getting out of the advising Black women in their love life business – the video on YouTube which dropped three years ago, has since gone viral and has garnered well over one million views(!) (“Why Women Have Totally Unrealistic Standards for Men, Dating, and Marriage”, Sep 8, 2017).

That so many Black women do NOT want to take advice and counsel from other Black women – especially young, attractive ones – is quite damning, don’t you think?

SHAMELESS PLUG AD BREAK: Like what you’re reading now? Wait till you see my very first book, “The Book of Obsidian: A Manual for the 21st Century Black American Gentleman”! Here’s YOUR chance to help me bring the dream to life, by supporting “The Book of Obsidian Fundraising Campaign”! All the details are over at GoGetFunding.com. Now, back to the article!

THE NICE GUY’S IMPOSSIBLE DREAM – & ACHIEVABLE REALITY
As noted earlier, it’s no surprise that female dating coaches for men attract large guy followings; but for Ms. D’Neika Marie, and as for anything in Black America, the situation is something of an entirely different animal. By her own admission to me via YouTube earlier today, she attracts a very large Black male following; but by the little bit of data mining I’ve done on her social media, the biggest demographic of her audience seems to be the 45-54 crowd – GenXers(!). What gives?

Well, one thing that can explain it, I think, is the fact that older men in general really like younger women in general; couple that with the fact that older guys tend to have more in the way of money and resources than do younger guys, and that’s another factor in the mix. But, there’s an element of delusion at work here as well – and I suspect that Ms. Marie may be unwittingly fueling it (or is she completely clueless?). Not only is she utterly unattainable herself, being married – but what she holds out as her standard bearer of what a “nice guy” is – her husband – is in many ways, unattainable as well. Like her, he too is young, very fit and, despite his Lil’ John vibe happening with his appearance, holds college degrees and is a business owner. In other words, the proverbial “Tupac with a degree” – which is virtually catnip to a large swath of ladies in urban Black American life. The best of both worlds!–and an impossibly unattainable fantasy the vast majority of the time.

What I’ve learned from all this is that there is a very real cohort of older Black men who have not learned how to connect with Black women on a social, romantic and sexual level; and instead of tilting at windmills, they need to get down to the real business of becoming the best versions of themselves, so they can can get on with actually living. The ‘Rona won’t last forever – and as Mystery so famously said, “the Game, is in the field”.

These guys don’t need a pretty face telling them it’s gonna be alright – they need guys who’ve been there, done that and can help them out of the hole they’re in.

Guys like me.

Now adjourn your asses…

MOA

Mumia Obsidian Ali is a citizen journalist, podcaster, talk radio show host, newly minted dating coach and soon to be author. You can catch his daily live shows on the global livestreaming radio website Mixlr, as well as the all-new members-only Obsidian Radio Zoomcast, and his podcasts on YouTube and Black Avenger TV, as well as his weekly dating coach column at the Negromanosphere website. He’s also a semi-professional pest.

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