The Atavism (& Hypocrisy) Of Black Women’s Mating Choices

A rare instance of a Black woman telling the truth about her atavistic desires - imagine that!
A rare instance of a Black woman telling the truth about her atavistic desires – imagine that!

“First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.”
-Mahatma Ghandi

For decades – as long as I can remember – Black women have not only enjoyed a virtual monopoly on the public square when it came to the conversation on dating and mating issues in Black America (aided and abetted by the White mainstream media, academia and Hollywood and, in more recent years, an ever-increasing industry of what I refer to as “Black Vaginavision Media”), they have effectively been able to convince everyone that their woes in love owed a lot more to forces and circumstances completely beyond their own control than anything within it. Hardly a year went by without all manner of books, papers, symposiums, seminars and the like, featuring Black women bemoaning their romantic fates due to grandiose things such as mass incarceration, the drugs wars of the 80s through to the early 2000s; Black men supposedly being “on the down low” and a glut of Black men who simply couldn’t get their act together. Of course, if all else fails, Black women and their numerous advocates in the media, White and Black, can always fall back on that old saw about there being some two million more Black women than Black men (isn’t it interesting that no one even bothers to question the assumption – the entitlement – implied in this argument? Who told ANY Black woman that they were owed a mate? And, isn’t it fascinating that we simply assume that ALL Black women are in fact, worthy of one?). For so long, these and other bromides were taken as a given; no one even tried to question these notions.

Until the Black Manosphere came along.

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Depending on who you ask, what became known as “the Black Manosphere” got its start on still nascent social media roughly a decade ago (circa 2008 or so); or, it really got a head of steam roughly four years ago, circa 2015. Either way, the aforementioned social media, combined with the increasing availability of smartphone, podcasting/broadcasting and related communications tech made it possible for Black men to communicate with each other not just nationwide, but around the world (I personally have listeners and readers throughout the European Union, the United Kingdom, Canada, the Pacific Rim and in South America in locales such as Honduras, for example). Black men were able not only to “trade notes” with each other when it came to their dealings with Black women; they were also able to discuss these matters with the “White” manosphere, finding that their experiences overlapped at various points. Most important, the Black Manosphere came along at a time when the academy was beginning to release data and statistics that would prove to be seismic threats to the “Woe is me” Black female narrative.

Armed with this powerful confluence of timing, tech, testimony and data, the Black Manosphere has been able not only to “clapback” in response to the aforementioned narratives, but has put forth a powerfully convincing counter-argument that even as I write this, steadily erodes the narrative that Black women have gotten a lot of gas out of for more than a generation. One by one, Black women’s shopworn narratives began to fall apart in the face of incontrovertible evidence…leading up to a powerful truth that, try as they might, Black women are in a losing fight to deny.

Today, a growing group of Black men – dedicated, talented and focused, are now seeing to it that their voices, once marginalized by both the White mainstream and Black Vaginavision Media, are being heard. They’ve succeeded in building up their own networks, host their own shows and write their own articles and books, where they give their side of the story to the many things that so many Black women have said lo these many years – often totally unchallenged.

The gig is up, ladies.

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We need only look to three major areas that we have been led to believe Black men writ large were coming up short in the eligible mate market for Black women, that we have now found out to simply not be true. They are as follows:

1. Not enough Black men “on the same level as Black women” (read: educationally, socially, financially, etc.): FALSE. According to Howard University Prof. Ivory Toldson (“The myth that there are more black men in prison than in college, debunked in one chart”, Feb 12, 2015,, famed documentary film maker Janks Morton (“Truths You Won’t Believe | S1 Ep1 | Are There More Black Men in Jail or College?” on YouTube, Feb 3, 2014) and the excellent online resource, not only do more Black men attend and graduate from college today, there are actually more of them doing so than at any other point in American history(!). On top of that and again, contrary to the sullied opinion that Black female advocates have been pushing for decades, the gap between degreed Black men and women is not at all as large as we’re erroneously led to believe; among those who have attended college, the figures show that for Black women it’s 57% vs. Black men at 50%. And for Black Americans with a bachelor’s degree or higher, for Black women it’s 22% vs. Black men at 19%! Now, if you want to get anal about it, yea, in absolute numbers, more Black women have either been to college or hold degrees than Black men – but the actual numbers show and prove that it is much narrower than we were led to believe. Moreover, Black men make on average more than Black women, even when controlling for educational attainment – which, as we’ve already seen, is quite high these days.

In fact, the highest-earning Black men relative to Black women live in the following five cities: San Diego, Seattle, Denver, Phoenix & Minneapolis-St. Paul, in that order, as of 2017 (“Where Are The Black Men With Jobs?“, Not only that, but Black men have never done better economically, as the Trump govt stats bear out (“Black unemployment rate falls to a record low”, Sep 6, 2019,; “BLACK UNEMPLOYMENT RATE FALLS TO A RECORD LOW”, Sep 10, 2019, And then, there’s this quote from the Atlanta Black Star’s “6 Persistent Myths About Black Love Debunked”, Aug 16, 2013:

“The forecast is not nearly as gloomy as it is portrayed by the media. Black women may graduate from college more than black men, but that doesn’t mean they always bring home bigger pay checks.

In fact, black men are more likely than black women to bring home at least $75,000 annually. Additionally, the number of black men earning at least $250,000 annually is double that of black women. The numbers suggest there are more than enough financially successful black men to go around.”

2. Too many Black men are players, want to play the field and don’t want to commit: WRONG. According to an NPR poll conducted back in the summer of 2013, “shows that black single men were much more likely to say they’re looking for a long-term relationship than single black women.” (Black Single Fellas Looking For Long-term Relationship. Surprise?, Jun 4, 2013) – something that is verified by the fact that, as of 2017, nearly half a million more Black men are married than are Black women – and before any sista out there screams “Swirling!”, let’s also consider the FACT that of the 48% of Black men who have ever married, 85% of them married a Black woman (“Relationships”, Ooops!

Now, let’s consider the old saw that Black men writ large like to “bun and run” – yet another myth conjured up by the Black Vaginavision Media that is simply not true. According to the CDC, Black men are the best dads of all in America, whether they be custodial, married, or not – a fact that was headlined in the New York Times, of all places (“Black Dads Are Doing Best of All”, Jun 8, 2015). In fact, only a relatively small minority of Black men “ain’t shit” when it comes to meeting their moral and fiscal responsibilities to their kids – a small minority of Black men that, for reasons we’ll get into in a bit, a large number of Black women seem to can’t get enough of – until it’s way too late.

3. And finally, there’s the idea that Black men are dropping dead left and right, thus creating this massive dearth of alive Black men to go round for the many Black women who want them: WRONG AGAIN. While it is true that women generally outlive men worldwide and this remains true in Black America itself, the gap has actually narrowed massively over the past century. For example, a century ago, the average lifespan of a Black man in the USA was merely 33 years old(!). Today, it’s MORE THAN DOUBLED, at about 72 (“African American Life Expectancy”, Put that together with the aforementioned fact that, one, violent crime of all kinds has actually gone way down since its historic highs from the 70s through the 90s and the fact that today, there are actually MORE Black men in and graduating from college than in jail and it the data is undeniable – there are far and away more Black men – educated, wanting relationships and economically viable – for Black women to choose from.

So, there you have it, folks: more Black men than ever are educated, successful and actually want relationships than was previously believed. So, if that’s true, than WHY aren’t Black women choosing them?

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I remember a time, not too long ago, when Black men, raising up their voices in response to so many Black women’s “Black men ain’t shit” diatribes, saying that the main reason as to why so many Black women got burned was due to their thing with playing with fire – Select Fuckboys – would be derided as haters and jealous, insecure and whiny and Black women would just deny, deny, deny what Black men across the internet was saying was true. Black women and their spokesmen/women (*cough, Derrick Jaxn, cough*) would put up a good fight; but the deluge of good brothers telling their truth was too much to hold back. So, they stopped trying to deny the obvious and turned to wholesale shooting the messenger, gaslighting the good guys, putting them on trial and blaming them for how and why the ladies just couldn’t help themselves by hooking up with one loser after another. As the leadoff quote from the great Ghandi said, first they tried to ignore the Black Manosphere; then they laughed at the Black Manosphere; then they fought the Black Manosphere; and now we’re gonna win.

Since you ladies are fighting what can only be called a rearguard action to keep what little of the fig leaf that covers your feral nature from completely falling off, please allow me to propose a friendly compromise: you all confess what really turns your crank and STOP scapegoating good brothers, blaming good brothers for merely pointing out the truth, using BS excuses for how and why you’re viscerally turned on by losers when you’re finally caught cold busted and then, only when you’re about five minutes out from your sell-by date, you wanna turn to us to bail you out of the messes you got into with the Select Fuckboys to begin with; and we, the Non-Select Guys will be more than happy to go on our merry way – to leave you with the losers you love so much. After all, there’s no point in denying the bleedingly obvious, what we all can see with one good eye:

“We found that as opposed to the White clients that we’ve had, Black women are usually looking for physical attributes first. We look for someone who is attractive to us and then we pick up on his hobbies, interests and values. Whereas, White clients are looking for the reverse first. What kind of job does he have? Is he going to be able to provide? Then they circle back.” (“Why Is It So Hard For Black Women to Find The Love They Deserve?“, Essence, Nov 5, 2015)

Just accept who and what you are, ladies – feral, animalistic and primitive. And Black men who most typify these things is what turns you on the most – many of you LIKE that “Me Tarzan, you Jane” kind of thing. And, as your magazine of record for Mizz Thang rightly points out, so many of you ladies really do prize looks and Dark Triad traits far and away more than you do intelligence, kindness or honesty – all of which is your right. Just leave us decent guys the fuck alone when you crash and burn, which invariably will happen with mind-numbing predictability. Simply own up to your desires and accept the very high costs that come with it (“Why Black Women Can’t Afford The High Price Of Select Fuckboys”, Sep 23, 2019,

Fair enough?

What you ladies must understand – and something tells me that many of you WILL wind up reading this – is the cat is out of the bag. With receipts. We Non-Select Guys are on to you – and we will not be deterred by the tactics of the past. Better for you to simply fess up and be cool with what you get, because there will be no bail out, be that directly or indirectly – the latter of which I will discuss in a future column. Stay tuned!

Now adjourn your asses…


Mumia Obsidian Ali is a citizen journalist, podcaster, talk radio show host and newly minted dating coach. You can catch his daily live shows on Mixlr, and his podcasts on YouTube and Black Avenger TV, as well as his weekly dating coach column at the Negromanosphere website. He’s also a semi-professional pest.

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