The Dysfunction Of The 60%

MadameNoire's recent study proves that Black women and men remain focused on their worst impulses

MadameNoire's recent study revealing that 60% of its own Black women readership base is paying half or more of the monthly bills while having a Select Fuckboy in the same home, only confirms what we've long known about how so many Black women actually operate...
MadameNoire’s recent study revealing that 60% of its own Black women readership base is paying half or more of the monthly bills while having a Select Fuckboy in the same home, only confirms what we’ve long known about how so many Black women actually operate…

“At first we started out real cool
Taking me places I ain’t never been
But now, you’re getting comfortable
Ain’t doing those things you did no more
You’re slowly making me pay for
Things your money should be handling
And now you ask to use my car
Drive it all day and don’t fill up the tank
And you have the audacity to even come and step to me
Ask to hold some money from me until
You get your check next week…”
-Destiny’s Child

A recent study published by the popular Black women’s website MadameNoire, has made for some quite lively discussion on these Black social media streets. The article, titled “Our New Study Reveals How Relationships Impact The Financial Choices Of Black Women” and was conducted in partnership with Civic Science polled MadameNoire’s own readership of Black women aged 18-34 with the following results: 60% of Black women expect to either split (read: “50/50” the monthly household bills or pay a greater share of them; and that 41% of Black women have loaned money to their man.

Moreover, only a third of MadameNoire’s readership feel financially supported by their men, while that same third of Black women has made bad financial choices to please their man.

SHAMELESS PLUG AD BREAK: Like what you’re reading now? Wait till you see my very first book, “The Book of Obsidian: A Manual for the 21st Century Black American Gentleman”! Here’s YOUR chance to help me bring the dream to life, by supporting “The Book of Obsidian Fundraising Campaign”! All the details are over at GoGetFunding.com. Now, back to the article!

A TRIP DOWN MEMORY LANE
These numbers are startling, but hardly surprising; readers of this dating coach’s column will kindly recall my piece called, “Why Black Women Can’t Afford The High Price Of Select Fuckboys” (Negromanosphere.com, Sep 23, 2019), where I made the case that quite a few Black women have gone into hock for that Big Juicy Cock:

“But, in case you want more evidence before we go on, consider this little gem of a blogpost from the website, “Darker Berrie”, where the author, a Washington, DC-based sista, gives a rare accounting of her predeliction to “fuckboys”:

“My best friend told me this the other day and I had an epiphany. When I get with my friends, somehow we always end up talking about guys. Despite the amount of guy bashing posts I have I really don’t believe that all guys are trash… just most of them. ok just a few.

What is in our DNA that makes us attracted to f**kboys, especially when all the signs are there in the beginning! Sis, you can’t run around with SZA yelling “why you bother me when you know you don’t want me” when you steadily text him back even when he doesn’t respond to you but has time to snap about an unfulfilling lunch. How about we change up the script a bit and put more effort into the guy that has the qualities you desire from the beginning.”

Those “qualities” being the aforementioned height, leading man looks and silver tongue, as Essence magazine makes crystal clear.”

More:

“Now here’s where the rubber hits the road:

“I met a nice guy not too long ago, he was polite, texted during my normal hours and could hold a decent conversation. Naturally, I made up a number of reasons why I couldn’t pursue him and friend zoned him. As I spent time reflecting I remembered a time when I met a f**k boy who knew just what to say and when to say it to keep me on his line. He was a jerk but I credited his bad behavior as having a personality and swag. I really hope I’m not the only one who has experienced this. For some reason, I am more attracted at the task of turning a guy that isn’t right for me into an upstanding bae citizen than having my Prince Charming from the beginning. My obsession with DIY projects is better spent on Pinterest and at Michael’s because my heart can’t take it anymore. I can literally have a nice guy who meets all of my superficial requirements and still look him over to entertain a dude that wouldn’t spit on me if I was on fire.”

BOOM! Confession truly is good for the soul, is it not?”

Let’s continue, shall we?

““MY BOYFRIEND LEFT ME BROKE

For the last year of my last relationship that was my role. We were living together and I was anxious to play that wifey Susie homemaker real house wife of Temple Hills role. As independent and feminist as I like to appear deep rooted in my DNA is an African woman who wants to marry a good guy and play a domestic role. For a couple of months I felt like I was going down this path.

I’ve heard of crazy stories about how women were taken advantage of financially by the men they were dating but that wasn’t me. Unlike them I was smart and at this point I had been in a relationship for 6 years so we were solid…

The money problems came out of nowhere. One day I came home to a cable bill that unbeknownst to me hadn’t been paid for about 5 months. After a long talk with a tear eyed boyfriend I realized that this was my moment, I can step in and be Olivia Pope and save the day and he would fall more in love with me and we would live happily ever after…

So I had a checking and a savings…. Luckily for me there was money there and with every problem I flew in and saved the day. This became a trend for the both of us. He would default on one of his obligations and I would swoop in and save the day. I became less focused on why he was messing up and became focused on preparing myself for WHEN he would mess up. Breaking up with him was out of the question, I mean we were together for 6 years! I wasn’t going to throw that all away just yet so we continued like this.

My white hat became rusty. One save after another I found myself in a financial crisis. I has borrowed money from family, opened up a credit card and I stared astonished at my now empty savings account. With every conversation about money I was fed lie after lie until I felt myself reach rock bottom. Was this my life? Was I really going to stay in a relationship with someone who consistently neglected their responsibilities? Yup, I still wasn’t going anywhere. I was living in a twilight zone where I wasn’t ok with anything that was happening but I was somehow operating on auto pilot. One thing led to (a WHOLE lot) another then I found myself packing my bags and moving in with mother…

And there I was. In more debt that I could bear, depressed and still confused about how I got here. The irony of it all was that there were several times where I tried to reach out to him in hopes that we could get back together, I didn’t want those 7 years to just be for nothing! My road to healing was going to be long because there was a lot to be unpacked here.”

That was dated Dec 7, 2018 – more than a year after the aforementioned post. What a difference a year makes, right?

Do I really need to recount the many ways this young lady’s preference for select fuckboys doomed her to financial purgatory? Nah – you know what, I’m just gonna let her words stand on their own for your consideration and review, gentlemen. They truly do speak for themselves, do they not?.”

Damn it feels good to be ahead of the curve.

SHAMELESS PLUG AD BREAK: Like what you’re reading now? Wait till you see my very first book, “The Book of Obsidian: A Manual for the 21st Century Black American Gentleman”! Here’s YOUR chance to help me bring the dream to life, by supporting “The Book of Obsidian Fundraising Campaign”! All the details are over at GoGetFunding.com. Now, back to the article!

THE REST OF THE STORY
So, now that we all know who’s who – we have to ask the following question: If 60% of Black women are paying half or more of the bills even though they’re in a relationship and another 41% are loaning money to their man on a regular basis, that means that 40% of Black women are having their bills paid by Black men they’re in relationships with. Why isn’t there any conversation about what the 40% of Black women and men are doing right?

Well, the answer to that question came over the weekend on a popular YouTube show known as “The Breakdown: A Woman’s Perspective” (“Half the bills… half the submission”, Sun, Aug 23, 2020, YouTube). Hosted by Danniele George and Concrete Rose and a spinoff of the Black Manosphere itself, the weekly show, which features a panel format, often acts as a kind of “response” to many of the topics and talking points of the aforementioned Black Manosphere – something that I personally welcome, however annoying these ladies can occasionally be. I participated on the panel this past Sunday, and posed exactly this question to the lady hosts; their response was quite illuminating: They felt that discussing the clearly dysfunctional state of affairs for the majority of Black women and by extension men, as per both the MadameNoire study and my previous column from last year, was “more interesting” than discussing what the other half of Black America was doing right.

Now, think about that for a moment: IT WAS MORE “INTERESTING”.

Wow. Just…wow.

Dani and C. Rose’s show, however originally conceived, has become essentially a repository of the worst, most dysfunctional Black women and men to get together and essentially shout at each other about how they ain’t shit and why the other is at fault. It’s never about moving the needle forward and to be fair to the lady hosts, with a majority of Black people being in such a sorry state – and that trainwreck media does in fact make money, especially in Black America – in a sense I couldn’t be mad at them for their business decision.

I just decided to back away…slowly.

While it would be very easy to go in on the Select Fuckboys for their lack of gumption and backbone, to say nothing of pride, the simple, harsh truth is that Black women who fall into the 60% have no one to blame but themselves. If they’re not willing to do the work to give them a shot at putting themselves into the line of sight of brothers who would be willing to pay their bills, there’s really no point about complaining how “Black men ain’t shit”…

…because their own actions keep telling us all, this is who they really choose.

My only concern out of all of this is the very nasty tendency of far too many Black women – and thanks to MadameNoire we can now say with confidence that is IS a majority – to lambaste ALL Black men, for the actions of those who they chose to partner with. As the duly appointed representative of the Non-Select Guys, I am here to tell those ladies to please stop scapegoating us. We are out here, working from can’t see in the morning until can’t see at night, handling our business month in and month out, and making it happen – we just don’t happen to be “sexy”. And that’s OK, ladies. No, really, it is.

After all, you really do get what you pay for – right?

Now adjourn your asses…

MOA

Mumia Obsidian Ali is a citizen journalist, podcaster, talk radio show host, newly minted dating coach and soon to be author. You can catch his daily live shows on the global livestreaming radio website Mixlr, as well as the all-new members-only Obsidian Radio Zoomcast, and his podcasts on YouTube and Black Avenger TV, as well as his weekly dating coach column at the Negromanosphere website. He’s also a semi-professional pest.

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