Today, I’m going to be spilling some hard truths to all black men everywhere in the world. And most especially, to my Nigerian brothers. There is nothing wrong with you as a man if you start falling for someone you bang occassionally. It is normal. It happens. They are called friends with benefits. She doesn’t disturb your peace. She doesn’t load your life with bills. You call each other once in a while and see occasionally. No burdens. No worries.
That kind of relationship doesn’t give you any pressure or commitment. You are as free as a bird in the sky. You don’t have headaches brought about by bills. You don’t face drama. No entitlements. It is what every man likes. We as humans are programmed to run away from responsibilities, baggages, and pressure. We always want to eat our cake and have it. We like the life of comfortability and ease, free from all discomforts.
So, when you have a friend with benefit that you both unload to each other, that you both scratch each other’s backs, it is normal to start falling for them after a certain period. That is why when you start a new relationship, it is always intriguing and exciting because you don’t have too much disturbances or requests coming in. Everyone is cool. You both enjoy the ride. You laugh and smile and share happy moments together.
However, after a while, you will start prioritising and thinking about a lot of things. The new relationship feels old. You want new adventure. That person you loved and moved to the top of your list has exhausted their arsenal of intriguing you, the drive to move over begins. They no longer seem as beautiful as you used to see them. They are not as exciting as before. The spark has started going down. You want something else that drives your adrenaline and gives you peace and no worries.
The truth is, what makes life interesting for men when it comes to romance is the chase. The pursuit. The running after. The moment we win and the chase ends, we most times become bored. The passion reduces and we don’t have the same energy anymore. Nothing to feed the ego that you as a man is after, so we seek new adventure. It is not that we don’t care. It is just how we have been programmed. We move swiftly from things that don’t excite us anymore.
As Africans, and especially Nigerians, our environment dictates how we act and react. Most of us have grown up with a mentality to submit to black tax. We think of where we came from before we start doing so many things. Relationships should help us grow. However, most women in our generation feel a man should do almost everything for them. Getting married to a man or attaching a ring to their fingers validates their womanhood.
So, when you as a man meets a woman, you are thinking about how she is supposed to help you manage your daily mind stress and help you grow. In turn, she is also thinking of how to milk you for her own good while she thinks she is helping you. You can ask most females in Nigeria who don’t run their own businesses or have a 9-5 job that pays above $150. They are steadily thinking of how to meet up with their fellow females.
You can only grow if you are the guy that doesn’t subscribe to the black tax. It could be hard, anyway. They will label you stingy if you don’t subscribe to it. However, as a man, you have to choose between growing and being labelled. That is why, as you grow, it is important for you to see that your family and friends grow too, so that when you are eating, everyone is eating theirs. Don’t be the only successful person in the midst of many unsuccessful people.
Be labelled. Grow aggressively and mind the business that pays you. If you don’t have to give, you will still be labelled. If you have and don’t give, you will be labelled too. People always have a label for everything. It is their opinion. It doesn’t have to become your reality. Let them bark! You definitely can’t pour out of an empty cup. But if you have and must pour, don’t pour in a way that you have nothing to thrive on. Feed others, but don’t starve yourself. Don’t become a beggar as a result of feeding them.
Life is tough in Africa and in Nigeria especially. It teaches you to be dependent on a system that is already overburdened. Whether you are female or male, break the mind barriers and grow your brand. Thrive as a person. The world is going to adjust to your standards. The society is cruel enough for everyone to open their eyes and adapt. It is a situation of run like the deer and get eaten by the lion, or run like the lion and eat the running deer or stay hungry. The survival of the fittest!