The Victim Queen

“How much she hath glorified herself, and lived deliciously, so much torment and sorrow give her: for she saith in her heart, I sit a queen, and am no widow, and shall see no sorrow.”
-Revelation 18:7, King James Bible

I had a chance recently to view a discussion featuring a popular name in the “Black Love” business; he was hosting a “class” where he made the case for his particular take on Black relationships. Near the beginning of his presentation, he briefly told his back story and said something that perked up my ears: he said that he had always saw himself as a “king” and that this concept was central to his “method” that he was expounding on that day. In that moment, I had an epiphany of Paul on the road to Damascus proportions; and everything was illuminated.

A very common notion among many Black people – women and men alike – is that we are “kings and queens”. It’s something that reaches back at least a century and has ebbed and flowed ever since; the idea that we were descended from royalty in Africa and so forth, a truly delusional idea not moored in the least to reality. While it can be argued that given what Black Americans have been through, including psychologically, it’s understandable that we as a people would concoct a kind of self-defense mechanism to get us over all of the events of our painful past in this country. Indeed, we as a people have developed a whole range of behaviors and adaptations to survive the ordeals we’ve faced as a result of racism, discrimination and worse. Yet, as observers such as Shelby Steele, Dinesh D’Souza and John Ogbu have noted, behaviors that might have served a useful purpose in the past, now threatens not only to hold us back, but also clearly hurts us today.

The idea that we are “kings and queens” is something that is deeply antithetical to reality, especially as it relates to our lives as citizens of the most free society on the planet – and the secret to success in such a society is also deeply at odds with the delusion of royalty.

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My reasoning for saying the above can be best seen in the behaviors of those whom I refer to as “Select Fuckboys” and “Victim Queens”. Regular readers of this column will know well by whom I am referring to with regard to the former; as for the latter, that will be the topic of my discussion today and in more detail below. In both cases, such Black people honestly believe that they have a kind of “divine right to rule” – it’s even expressed the classic hit by Tupac: “Only God Can Judge Me” and cited, often in a self-righteously defiant tone. This sentiment is very strong in present day Black American culture, though it is nowhere near universally applied; no one explicitly states as much, but this notion is taken to mean, that Black women and certain Black men are above reproach. Their actions, behaviors and the outcomes that flow from them, simply cannot be questioned – especially by those deemed not to be “on their level” – a decidedly monarchial view. After all, under such a way of doing things, who can really question the Sovereign? Certainly not mere “commoners”, that’s for sure! In fact and history bears this out, royalty tends to surround itself not with those who are competent and can actually challenge them, but quite the opposite – with sycophants, yes-men/women and brown-nosers whose only real purpose is to stroke the bloated egos of the kings and queens of the realm – not make life better for all concerned. History’s judgment is not kind to this kind of setup.

There is a powerful reason why today, out of nearly 200 countries, only roughly 50 of them are still monarchies; and of that number, about half are constitutional monarchies, which means that the sovereign is merely a figurehead; the real power resides in the halls of parliament. And that reason is very simple: because kings and queens tend to be delusional, despotic and dictatorial, among the worst traits of human nature.

When one really sits down and thinks about it, this explains quite a bit of the behavorial phenomena of Black American life – how and why certain Black folks act the ways that they do – and this has very real implications for the state of our relationships.

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For many decades now, Black women have done a masterful job of casting themselves simultaneously as “queens” and victims – on one hand, they are powerful, strong, independent, “don’t need no man”; and on the other, they are the hapless victims of the various iterations of “isms” – racism, sexism, featurism, colorism and so on. Black women love to bellow about their accomplishments on the one hand and equally relish bemoaning their inability to get a Black man “on their level”, due to a sheer dearth of “eligible” suitors -the litany of reasons and causes for this supposed state of affairs is way too numerous to recount here and seems to grow at an exponential rate. One has to ask: how is it possible to be so assertive, strong and independent and be at the whim of the vicissitudes of life, all at the same time? This is what I call the paradox of the Victim Queen.

I’ve personally found that such Black women – and I put it that way because it has to be said that I am NOT talking about “all” of them (though it is also fair to say, that MOST Black women do indeed see themselves in this way) – seem to be more akin to paper tigresses than any powerful beings such as royals in their own right. For example and as is so often the case of sovereigns in the past, these kinds of Black women tend to surround themselves with Black men who are fundamentally “less” than they are – and in this way, they can keep up the charade about their “plight”. However, the reality is increasingly at odds with their delusional worldview. For example, Black men have never done better – more Black men are in and graduating from college than ever; more Black men are in college than in jail; fewer Black men are in fact, going to jail as crime levels continue to drop in America’s major cities over the past half-century; the Black male unemployment rate is currently at all-time lows; more Black men are starting businesses and flourishing; and increasingly, Black men are showing up on the Jumbotron of life (read: social media, etc.). Indeed, today, Black men are on the rise – so much so that yes, women of other races are in fact watching closely, taking notice and moving in. All of these facts strongly countervail against the “Victim Queen” narrative.

The harsh truth is that far too many Black women today suffer from fragile egos, malignant narcissism (which often explains their attraction to select fuckboys) and a need to boss around Black men, to say nothing of the power and real privilege that comes with being a “protected victim” in our “Woke” age. Stop the madness, already – the Victim Queen has on no clothes!

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While it isn’t a popular thing to say as a Black American, the truth of the matter is that we have a kind of freedom that is the true envy of the world; yes, our people have endured unmentionable horrors, injustices and indignities in the past; but that’s just it – it’s in the past – and we now have the freedom to determine our futures. Living in a free society means that the Non-Select Guy is NOT locked into a dating and mating purgatory because “da communitah”.

In my previous column earlier this summer, “Three Great Things About Being A Non-Select Guy”, I illustrated how the American model of democracy had direct application not only to human relationships, but how Non-Select Guy in particular could make best use of this model, both by way of his wallet (mirroring the Chariman of the House Ways & Means Committee in the U.S. House of Representatives) and by his “veto power” (mirroring the power of the President). In the Old World, arranged marriages and the like were common; in Black American discussion circles online and off, romantic notions of the same, along with rose-colored ideas about polygamy/polyamory abound; and my personal favorite, the oft-repeated phrase “stay in your lane” has massive appeal. I can personally attest to pissing A LOT of Black folks – men and women alike(!) – off, because I dared to choose for myself who I want to date, bed down and yes, even love, despite their chagrin and their view that I had a “place”. Such archaic notions of mating are for a previous, primitive and obsolete era; today, in a free society where people talk to each other and associate based on shared values, we are free to find our own mates and by extension happiness – “kings and queens” be damned.

The truth is, that there are many “kingly and queenly” Black folks who see Non-Select Guys’ “place” to be the cleanup men of “da communitah” – to be the worker bees, mentors, janitors and mates as needed to the growing number of de facto Black spinsters and baby mamas in our society. This is precisely why one can hear a rising chorus of consternation from both Black women and men on the topic of NSGs heading off for greener dating and mating pastures. However, these folk didn’t get the memo that we don’t live in a monarchy, we live in a democracy, where everyone – Non-Select Guys included – get to have a say in how they will live their lives.

No matter how much they may not like it, both Victim Queens and Select Fuckboy Kings have to talk to those with whom they disagree; they have to be held accountable for their actions; and they have to be made to understand that the Age of Royals is past.

We, the Non-Select Guys, are here to help. Let freedom ring!

Now adjourn your asses…


Mumia Obsidian Ali is a citizen journalist, podcaster, talk radio show host and newly minted dating coach. You can catch his daily live shows on Mixlr, and his podcasts on YouTube and Black Avenger TV, as well as his weekly dating coach column at the Negromanosphere website. He’s also a semi-professional pest.

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