Three Great Things About Being A Non-Select Guy

Unlike women of other races, ethnic groups and cultures who tend toward varying degrees of coyness on the matter, Black American women are particularly pointed and florid in stating
their preferences for those qualities they deem desirable in Black men. A 2015 interview of a matchmaking duo of Black women dating coaches, who have a combined experience of some
two decades with a multiracial clientele from coast to coast, gives the following testimony in Essence magazine called, “Why Is It So Hard For Black Women to Find The Love They

“We found that as opposed to the White clients that we’ve had, Black women are usually looking for physical attributes first. We look for someone who is attractive to us and then we pick up on his hobbies, interests and values. Whereas, White clients are looking for the reverse first. What kind of job does he have? Is he going to be able to provide? Then they circle back.”

The Matchmaking Duo continue:

“We have clients that have a long laundry list of requirements—6 foot 4, with a Ph.D., never been married, no children, in his late 30s or early 40s…”

And of course, the sistas never stop to make the connection between Black men embued with these traits and the inevitable downsides that come with it:

“They feel like there are not enough quality men to go around in one place or there’s no one particular place to meet men of color. That men don’t usually court you anymore and
technology prohibits good old-fashioned conversation. Men are very quick to text these women or use social media instead of just picking up the phone. They also feel like it’s hard to
meet men on their level who they feel are still down to earth. We’ve both discovered that they typically feel that when they meet affluent men of color they appear to be “above them.”

And this is putting it mildly. Take the recent “Roomates Podcast” interviews featuring Ace Metaphor and Derrick JaxnReformed Fuckboys, I like to refer to them – confess in their own words how they are, er, were, in a not too distant past (“Ace Metaphor Talks Secret Life of F* Boys, Healthy Masculinity, Why People Get Hurt + More” and “Derrick Jaxn Talks How To
Love a Woman, Criticisms From Men, Consequences of Cheating + More”, respectively). Of course, the “reformed badboy” is a staple of romance novels and erotica – according to “A
Billion Wicked Thoughts”, a $1.37B USD per year global industry as of 2008(!) (pp. 87).

Clearly, despite all the protestations, (Black) women just can’t get enough of “fuckboys” – as our Essence interview aptly demonstrates:

“Yes, and those men have so many choices that they’re not paying much attention to trying to settle down. And, then if they want to go and meet a regular, everyday, hardworking man,
for some reason, these women feel those men are inferior to them. So no matter what they feel like they’re in a really tough place.”

Indeed! Alas, today’s column isn’t devoted to solving the more often than not self-inflicted problems of the lovelorn Sistahood – but rather, outlining the actual strengths of the Non-Select
Guy. What, exactly, am I talking about? Read on!

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One thing I’ve noticed in Black American discussion circles – be it online or off – is that when a particularly touchy topic is brought up, all of a sudden we Black folks wanna play possum
(read: dumb). Take, for example, the “Good Black Man” debate – it is not at all unusual to hear Black women AND at least some Black men(!), innocently questioning aloud, “Define what
“good” means?” – as if all of a sudden, none of us knows! C’mon – it’s a way of NOT having to confront some of the obvious bullshit that Black women find themselves in when they go
out of their way to fuel their addictions to the aforementioned fuckboys. Only when they’re caught cold busted by the supposed Non-Select Guys, do they and their Black male co-
conspirators try to dummy up, act like they don’t know what we’re talking about and even attempt to “kill the messenger” for pointing out something we’re clearly not supposed to.

So, for purposes of today’s discussion, let’s not even go into this nonsense: again, as the Essence piece above makes clear, Black women know EXACTLY what we mean when the terms,
“Select” and “Non-Select” Black men are brought up and we will proceed on that very simple premise. And, contrary to popular opinion and urban legend, the guys who are fated to fall into
the latter catergory aren’t prone to “Hulking Out” and tearing up (or shooting up, as it were) the place upon finding out the horrible truth, LOL. Actually, quite the contrary: Non-Select Bros
in Black America have long been quietly voting with their feet – as evidenced by the falling marital rates, dwindling numbers of Black men even bothering to show up at various social
functions and events designed to bring single Black men and women together (as this article, “The Curious Case of the Man-less Meet Market” bears out) and so on. No, today’s column
won’t pussyfoot around – we know exactly who’s who – and we will enthusiastically go on from there to make today’s point:

That, there are in fact, quite a few GREAT things about being the “Non-Select Guy”. In fact, I am going to layout three distinct things that proves that being a “Non-Select Guy” ain’t so bad
at all – and just possibly a blessing in disguise! Let’s consider them all in turn, shall we?

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1. The first great thing about being a Non-Select Guy is that, once you realize that the Black men Black women have been caterwauling about for decades ain’t you because you don’t act
like that, YOU REALIZE THAT YOU AREN’T THE PROBLEM. Now, this is the toughest step, largely because Black women simply refuse to say, “I am whining and bitching about the Select
Fuckboys I love to mess my life up with” – they CAN’T afford to be as candid because if they did, THEY WOULDN’T HAVE YOU AS THE PLAN “B” GUY TO FALLBACK ON WHEN THINGS INVARIABLY GO SOUTH WITH MR. SELECT FUCKBOY GUY. This is a central aspect of A LOT of contemporary Black women’s dating and mating strategy and is something we will take up in greater detail in a future column. For now though, all you, Mr. Non-Select Guy, need to know is that once it is made clear that YOU are NOT the problem of Black women’s love lives, you are completely free to say both to yourself and anyone else, “Not My Problem”. YOU, didn’t cheat on Black women; YOU, didn’t knock Black women up and leave them high and dry; YOU, didn’t “put hands on” Black women (read: domestic violence); YOU, didn’t allow a Black woman to carry you financially; and so on. Trust me when I tell you boys, looking a Black woman
squarely in the eyes and calmly saying, “Not My Problem” will do your heart good, because Black women secretly want YOU, Mr. Non-Select Guy, to take on all her problems that she
brought on herself messing around with Select Fuckboys. And a BIG lesson that Non-Select Guys have to learn, is how NOT to take on the problems of others – read: Black women’s
problems. This is known in psychological circles as “dumping” AND IT IS A FORM OF ABUSE (A good and simple primer on the matter is this article entitled, “The Difference Between Venting
and Dumping”). They got themselves into the Select Fuckboy mess; let them figure a way to get themselves out of it!

2. The second great thing about being a Non-Select Guy is closely related to the first thing, because once you realize that Black women’s issues are NOT YOUR PROBLEM, you can then
simply focus on DOING YOUR PART. So long as you’ve done what YOU had to do in the dating and mating realm – in this case, the initial “meet and greet” phases – everything else is NOT
YOUR PROBLEM. Far too many Black men fret over stuff they have no control over – instead, do your part: be punctual, be courteous, be mature, be kind, be well groomed, be well
dressed, make your approaches and LEAVE IT AT THAT. Yea, I know: the 80/20 Rule is real out here. True – and you have absolutely no control over Black women’s affinity towards tilting
at Select Fuckboy windmills – but it doesn’t matter. That’s HER problem, not yours. Why? Because, you did your part, that’s why. And you can go to bed easy at night knowing that you
did! Remember the lesson above: EVERYTHING THAT YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM! Only concern yourself with things that directly concern YOU: YOUR behavior, YOUR appearance/grooming/wardrobe, YOUR fitness and wellbeing, YOUR speech, YOUR actions – and if you are found to be in error or need of improvement for any of the
above, take full and complete responsibility for them – NOTHING MORE! So long as you did your part as a Gentleman, no matter what happens, you’ve won!

3. Finally, the third great thing about being a Non-Select Guy is also closely tied to the first two and that is VETO POWER. Just like the President of the United States, while you may not be
able to do whatever you want, you CAN say “NO!” to whatever the Congress and Senate tries to do. As noted above, a major weakness Non-Select Guys have is learning how to say
“NO!” – not just to (some) Black women, but also to Select Fuckboys WHO RELY ON GUYS LIKE YOU TO BE THEIR CLEANUP MEN. Don’t let either of them take advantage of you – say
“NO!”. So, for example: as a general rule, if a Black woman is a Baby Mama, chances are very high that her baby daddies are Select Fuckboys – “NO!”. Other Black women, whether Baby
Mamas or not, are nevertheless “Alpha Widows” (I prefer the term, “Select Fuckboy Junkies”) – “NO!”. Many Black women who’ve been scarred mentally, emotionally and even physically
by Select Fuckboys and now are ready to “settle down” – “NO!”. You get the idea. Another point here is that very often, as my recent column, “All The Crazy Ladies” bears out, lots of
Black women will intentionally seekout Non-Select Guys to give them “The Boyfriend Experience”, then go back home and keep getting their backs blown out by Bro. Select Fuckboy –
“NO!”. While it may be true that Black women may get to pick and choose “who can get it” (read: sex), YOU get to choose who becomes a wife, who becomes a girlfriend and even who
gets to go out on a date – CLAIM YOUR POWER AND USE IT WISELY. Just like every man can’t get laid, every woman can’t get chose, either! See how it all balances out in the end?

What does an article about NOT being “that guy” have to do with a dating column ostensibly devoted to BEING “that guy”, you may ask? Simply this: what PUA and dating coaching expert
David D’Angelo said was true: “Attraction isn’t a choice” – but that doesn’t mean that your life is over. Far from it! As I’ve noted above, even if you “lose” you still win – in three very
distinct ways! TL;DR:

1. “Not My Problem”
2. Do Your Part
3. Veto Power (Learn How To Say “NO!”)

Now adjourn your asses…


Mumia Obsidian Ali is a citizen journalist, podcaster, talk radio show host and newly minted dating coach. You can catch his daily live shows on Mixlr, and his podcasts on YouTube and Black
Avenger TV, as well as his weekly dating coach column at the Negromanosphere website. He’s also a semi-professional pest.

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