Many black men in today’s society do not feel safe or comfortable being themselves. They fail to have the career and/or relationship that they seek and desire. These men become the person they believe others want them to be, but what would compel a man to sacrifice himself to become someone he is not? Black men consistently receive messages from their family and society which tell them that they are not good enough.
The most impressionable years of a person’s life is from birth to five. During these first few years, a child’s personality is highly influenced by his surroundings. It is during these years that young black men develop their belief system. Because during this time a man’s strongest influences are his parents, this is where the creation of Weak Black Men begins.
When children come into the world they are helpless. They are dependent on others to recognize and respond to their needs in a timely manner. Because of this, a child’s greatest fear is abandonment. Children are also ego-centered. Children believe everything revolves around them, therefore, they are the cause of everything that happens to them. Whenever a child experiences any kind of abandonment he will always believe that he is the cause of what has happened to him. Abandonment experiences include:
- When he is hungry his mother doesn’t feed him.
- When he cries his mother doesn’t hold him.
- When he is lonely his mother doesn’t pay attention to him.
- His mother yells at him.
- His mother hits him.
- His mother doesn’t want him
In the Black community, it is taught that we have to make children tough. If we spoil our children, they will grow up to be rotten and self-serving. The Abandonment experiences listed above are examples frequently used by mothers in the black community. These tactics are doing the opposite. Rather than making our men stronger they are making them weak.
Young black boys believe they are the cause of these painful events and have no other way of understanding the world around them.
Because we live in an imperfect world, and no family is perfect, all men are dealing with some level of abandonment issues. Children conclude that there must be something wrong with them which causes important people in their life to abandon them. These beliefs are not caused by the children, but by people who are supposed to recognize and meet their needs.
As children, black men grow to believe they are inherently bad, defective, different, or unlovable. As a result, they try their best to deal with the emotional and physical distress of being abandoned, to prevent similar events from happening again, and try to hide their perceived badness from others and themselves.
From Childhood to Manhood
Many Black men grow up believing they have to be different from their father to be seen as a good man and to be loved by his mother. They believe their mother is perfect and they are inadequate in comparison to her. These childhood experiences cause young black men to believe that they are only good when they don’t make mistakes, causes anyone problems, make other people unhappy, and when their mother needs them. This is the belief system that creates weak men, also known as Simps.
Simps believe that this map is accurate, and if they follow it correctly they should have a smooth and happy life. Although this map has been proven wrong, time and time again, Simps keep doing more of the same thing and expecting different results. “If I texted her more, buy her flowers, take her on expensive dates, and don’t mention sex eventually she will fall in love with me.”
Whether it be because of divorce or employment, many black men in today’s society are separated from their fathers and other significant male role models. Because of this, black men are disconnected from other men in general and are confused as to what it means to be a man. The job of turning boys into men have been left to mothers and a school system dominated by women. As a result, black men have become comfortable being defined by women and have become dependent on the approval of women. Also, due to the feminist movement, many black men try to hide any traits that might cause them to be labeled as “bad” men. This means that for many black men that if they wanted to be loved and get their needs met, they had to become what they believed women wanted them to be.
Seeking a Woman’s Approval
Simps biggest quest for approval is most pronounced in their relationships with women. These men see a woman’s approval as validation of their own worth. Seeking women’s approval causes Simps to constantly monitor a woman’s sexual availability. Simps see sex as the ultimate form of a woman’s acceptance. Because of this, they are extremely cautious to not doing anything that could possibly make the woman they desire angry. Simps have been conditioned by their mother and society to never do anything to upset a woman.
Seeking a woman’s approval gives women permission to run the relationships. If she say’s you are wrong then you are wrong. If she say’s you’re a bitch than you are a bitch. Simps are inclined to believe that everything a woman say’s is right.
Seeking women’s approval gives women the power to define their worth. When a Black woman say’s you are “wrong” or thinks you are an “Asswhole”, Simps are inclined to believe she is right. When these men challenge a woman’s belief system, on some level because she is a woman, she must be right.
Seeking a woman’s approval creates rage toward women. Simps claim to “love” Black women, the truth is, most of these men have a huge amount of rage toward Black women. When Simps put Black women on a pedestal and attempt to win their approval, sooner or later, this adoration will turn to rage when black women fail to live up to their expectations.
This is why it is not unusual to hear a Simps proclaim their undying love to a woman in one breath and then ragefully say “Black women ain’t shit”.
Reclaiming Their Masculinity
Simps have to learn that it is okay to embrace their masculine traits. Nice Guys and Simps can reclaim their masculinity by:
- Connecting with other men.
- Getting Stronger.
- Reexamining their father.
Connecting With Other Men
Simps must make a conscious commitment to developing relationships with other men. Simps have to be willing to make time, take risk, and be vulnerable with other men. Time is the biggest factor that keeps Simps disconnected from other men. These men are entangled with their girlfriend, family, or work, which means they would have to take time away from these things. There is no clear way to do this. You could join a martial arts club, a discussion group, going to a sporting event, or just hanging out.
Pulling Away From Mom
Developing relationships with men helps break the Simps bond with his mother. Little boys get pulled into unhealthy relationships with their mothers when their fathers allow it. The solution to reverse this dynamic by creating healthy relationships with men.
Unfortunately, in the black community, many black men are conditioned to be monogamous to their mother. Many Black men have fathers who are frequently out of the home because of work, were emotionally unavailable, rigid, demanding, or separated from their mother. As a result, their mother smothered them and made them her emotional partner.
On several occasion, black women feel like they are in competition with their boyfriends’ mother for love and attention.
Unfortunately, because the mother had first dibs on him she usually wins. Most people would pass this off as a case of a man being close to his mother. Because of this, Black men will never really be able to bond completely with their girlfriend/wife. The only solution for women who are seeing men with this problem is to encourage their boyfriend to build relationships with men in a way they could not with their father.
Because of social conditioning, Simps tend to fear strength and power. As a result, Simps tend to become physically and emotionally soft. Some will even take pride in this fact.
Embracing your masculinity means embracing your body and power. Simps have to learn to stop putting junk into their bodies and train them to respond the physical demands of being male. This includes eating healthy foods, eliminating drugs and alcohol, working out, drinking water, and relaxing.
Improving your physical strength converts into self-confidence and strength in every aspect of life.
Reexamining Their Relationship With Their Father
Many Simps do not report having a close relationship with their father in childhood. Either themselves or their mother described their fathers as passive, unavailable, absent, or defined as negative in some way.
To reclaim their masculinity, Simps have to reexamine their relationship with their fathers and take close look at them through adults eyes.
In the black community, it is common for Black mothers to describe the father of their son as a “Dead Beat”. Black mothers tend to portray fathers as villains and themselves as victims. When Simps take a good look at their father, through the eyes of an adult, the come to realize that even though their father has problems, he isn’t as bad as his mother made him out to be.
Simps must see their father as they truly are, Wounded Human Beings. This requires Simps to take their father out of the gutter or off the pedestal. Simps must express their feelings to their father, including rage and anger. This is necessary even if their father is dead. What is important is that Simps must embrace the male heritage that they share with their father.
Simps all believe that if they are “good” and do everything “right,” they will be loved, get their needs met, and have a problem-free life. What Simps have to realize is that people are not drawn to perfections in other people. People are drawn to shared interests, shared problems, and a person’s life energy. Humans connect with humans. Trying to project an image of perfection makes a person vague, lifeless, and uninteresting. It is through our rough edges and imperfections that give people something to connect with.
Taking pride in one’s own masculinity is key the component that should be taken from this article. Simps can learn to recapture their masculinity creating friendships with other men, getting strong, and reexamining their relationship with their father through adult eyes. Physical fitness will help Simps improve their confidence. Reexamining their relationship with their father will help Simps see that although their father isn’t perfect, he isn’t as bad as he once thought. Building relationships with other men teach Simps how to embrace their own masculinity. When black men work together, businesses grow. When businesses grow, economies grow. When economies grow, wealth grows. When you have a wealthy economy there is less violence, less poverty, and a higher standard of living.