When She Flakes On You…

Dealing with "flakes" is one thing when they're young and hot; dealing with them when they're old enough to know better, is another.

When it comes to the topic of Flakes and how to deal with them, it's one thing to get flaked on by beauties such as the one above; quite another to get flaked on by a sista's who's holding on for dear life. Remember that, my friends!
When it comes to the topic of Flakes and how to deal with them, it’s one thing to get flaked on by beauties such as the one above; quite another to get flaked on by a sista’s who’s holding on for dear life. Remember that, my friends!

“Whim is the plural of woman.”
-Kathy Lette

I recently saw a video on YouTube by “international relationship specialist” Stephan Labossiere titled, “When She Pulls Away” (Jun 15, 2020; as of this writing, more than 20K views with 188 comments!). The video, which ran under 10 minutes, purports to be aimed at (Black) men, though Labossiere is known for working with (Black) women in the main and the comments section of this video (and Labossiere’s YouTube channel overall) bears this out. Nevertheless, Labossiere proceeds to give a number of “reasons” as for why a Black woman may start to pull away from a Black man in a dating and mating context – and to be fair, he does make a few solid points.

That being said, the problem – the massive problem – I had with Steph is what he didn’t say in the aforementioned video, something very important if he’s gonna call himself addressing Black men. I can get his sugarcoating his message for Black women; they’re paying him to tell them what they want to hear; a Fool and her money are soon parted, and I can’t knock Steph for making a living by meeting a deepseated need on the part of Black women’s truly delusional way of seeing themselves and world. Fair enough. But I can’t roll with his doing this using Black men as a proxy (again, check the comments section of the video above and see the ladies’ remarks for yourself!); if he’s going to address Black men on the reality of Flaking in contemporary Black America, he needs to do it in a way Black men (should) recognize – which is straight up.

Now, in the interest of full disclosure to my readers, I have to say that I’ve met Labossiere twice last year, in person – one at a major event that featured him, Ace Metaphor and Derrick Jaxn – and another where he was the sole headliner. We spoke on both occasions, the first time around only briefly; the second, for the better part of a half-hour, mano-a-mano. I like Steph; he’s quite personable, yet nowhere near as manic as Ace nor as glib and truly full of himself as Derrick.

So, let’s “remix” Labossiere’s message – and get it right this time.

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FIRST THINGS FIRST
In the opening minutes of Steph’s video, he attempts to tell the ladies – who ARE his core, money making audience, mind you – that “men’s feelings matter, too”. It’s a heartfelt sentiment and I don’t doubt Steph’s sincerity; but it does Black men absolutely no good at all. Here’s the reason why: BLACK WOMEN DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL. And to make matters worse, neither does the rest of the world. As Chris Rock rightly pointed out, the world only cares about (Black) women, children and dogs in terms of caring, concern and feels. But when it comes to Black men, the world cares about your performance, what you do, and who you are in terms of your reputation and standing in the world. That’s an admittedly harsh truth; but a truth nonetheless – and the sooner Black men learn this, the better off they will be.

For those who may doubt what I’m saying here, go back and see the comments to Steph’s video and see for yourself – nearly 200 as of this writing. Note how, though the video is ostensibly “aimed at men”, Black women nevertheless FIND A WAY to make it about themselves? This is the inherent solipsism of (Black) women fellow dating coach for men Rollo Tomassi has written about extensively, and his “The Rational Male” writs repays close study for the ardent student of the science of human mating.

If you still want to debate with me on the efficacy of this maxim, consider the truly dysfunctional dynamic taking place between a not insignificant number of Black men and women today – a clear and present, ripped from a textbook example, would be the Rev. John Gray and his wife Aventer. Gray literally looks like an overgrown fat little boy, with his wife acting as his mama – he’s even made statements to the effect of a woman needing to “birth” a man into his manhood or some such drivel. Tell me, honestly, where does Gray rank among and in the world of men? The answer, is obvious: He doesn’t. And the only people who take him seriously, are Black women like his wife. If you want that kind of life, have at it – but don’t fool yourself: NOBODY takes a Baby Huey brought to life seriously.

Not even your Mama-Wifey.

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ANATOMY OF A FLAKE
Moving right along, and as I noted earlier, Steph does make a number of fair points in his presentation; for example, he is right to point out that it is entirely possible that you’ve done something to make her pull away; or, it could be entirely possible that you dodged a bullet, and the Deity of your choice was moving on your behalf.

But the fact remains – and what Steph knows but dare not mention to his all-woman audience – is the fact that Flakes Be Among Us.

What, is a flake, you may ask? I think Mr. Alphawolf, owner of the excellent website resource PUALingo.com, sums it best:

“When a girl cancels or fails to show up for a date. Can also mean a HB who gives you her number, but screens your calls (doesn’t answer) and does not return voice messages…

Flakes are inevitable in game. Sometimes, there is a lack of attraction. Other times, logistics or lifestyle on her end interfere with her meeting up again. The PUA’s goal is to minimize flaking by building solid rapport during the initial interaction and during his follow-up with phone game and text game. Making day 2 plans that are as casual as possible, rather than putting too much pressure on the initial date, will also help to reduce flakes.

For club and night game, flake rate is generally higher than day game, due to alcohol and the precedence of typical relationships in bars and clubs.”

The “HB” mentioned above means “Hot Babe” and in the Pickup Lexicon, it refers to women who are above average in terms of their looks. In fact, in the famed “Mystery Method” system, one doesn’t aim for women lower than a “6” on the attractiveness scale; indeed, the Mystery Method was specifically designed for above average women, hence the subtitle, “How to get Beautiful Women into bed”(!).

“Hot Babes”, because they are such and know it, can and will flake on men – ALL MEN, I might add – and men understand this as simply the cost of doing business out here on these dating and mating streets. As Alphawolf rightly points out, it’s a man’s job to do what he can to minimize flaking – but it is impossible to get rid of entirely. The hotter the women you go after, the more likely you are to encounter flakes.

If Steph’s video was aimed at Meagan Goode or Beyonce’ level hotties, I would have nothing to say, because they’re exceptional beauties measured empirically in dollars (Beyonce’ has an estimated net worth of $400M USD per Business Insider; Goode has an estimated net worth of $10M USD, per CelebrityNetWorth.com). The problem with Steph’s video though, and the real audience it’s aimed at, are grossly overweight, entitled, Black women north of 35 in the main – I know, I’ve been to his events and saw the “talent” firsthand. When guys get flaked on by the likes of a 20-something Beyonce or Goode, they’re rarely mad or frustrated; but when they’re flaked on by a middle aged sista who comes closer to Mo’Nique or Loni Love, THAT’S when brothers feel some kind of way. Again, it may be harsh to say in polite company, but hot, beautiful women have a wide berth to act a fool a bit (there’s an upper limit), while more plainer, fatter and/or older women simply cannot.

And that is the rub.

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SHE’S IN HER 2ND CHILDHOOD
Far too many women in Black America think they’re on the Beyonce’ and Meagan Goode level when in truth they come closer to Mo’Nique and Loni and need to conduct themselves accordingly. Unfortunately however, they get a massively distorted view of themselves as a result of a multi-billion dollar business aimed at telling them what they want to hear, instead of what they need to hear – and Econ 101 being what it is, those who make their daily bread in this way have absolutely no incentive whatsoever in killing the goose that lays those golden eggs; of biting the pudgy hands that feed them plaudits. It is not at all unusual to observe Black women solidly in middle age, acting as if they still had the “pull” they did during the Love Jones era. Even the great Nia Long has seen better days, and she is, at nearing 50(!), a far sight hotter than easily 90% of the Black women I’ve personally witnessed at Steph’s events. No one has the financial incentive or testicular fortitude to tell these delusional broads the flatout God’s to honest truth about themselves:

“Look sis, you’re too old to be acting in the way that you do. That flaking stuff is for young, hot chippies and the truth is that you’re neither. That’s not to mean that you have to take any and every man who looks your way; just that, as an older lady, you have to move differently out on these streets. Your glory days are behind you – along with that ever-expanding caboose.”

Black women over 35 who are at best 5s and 6s who flake, are saying loud and clear to the world, that they are in a state of seriously arrested development. At this stage of life, they need to use the one “love language” that actually counts – ENGLISH – and speak up right then and there if they ain’t feeling a man so both parties can move on.

So now we know the real reason so many of the guys Steph talks about in the video above feel some kind of way about “when she pulls away” – because it’s one thing to flaked on by an “HB10” in her 20s or even early 30s; another to get the flaking treatment by a sista who’s on the cusp of 40 or beyond, even if relatively attractive for her age (and again, that’s increasingly becoming a rare sight in Black America these days). In short, younger, hotter Black women are seen by Black men as harder to acquire, while older Black women are seen as easier to get. It’s the reason why the “MILF” thing, is a thing, after all. There, I said it!

SHAMELESS PLUG AD BREAK: Like what you’re reading now? Wait till you see my very first book, “The Book of Obsidian: A Manual for the 21st Century Black American Gentleman”! Here’s YOUR chance to help me bring the dream to life, by supporting “The Book of Obsidian Fundraising Campaign”! All the details are over at GoGetFunding.com. Now, back to the article!

SO SIMPLE, EVEN A CAVEMAN CAN DO IT
Finally, my directive to the guys in my dojo as to how to deal with flakes, particularly those of a certain age in the Black American dating and mating market:

DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

If a sista pulls a “no show” on an evening outing you’ve planned, you have the discretion to cancel altogether, go stag or arrange for another lady to join you (ALWAYS have options, fellas!). In any event though, no matter what course of action you take, what you should definitely do regarding the flake in question is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. That means, no calls, no texts, no “DMs”, no inboxing on social media; simply delete her info from your smartphones and block her on that and accompanying social media.

And “on to the next”.

If things go well you won’t see said flake again in this world or the next; but, being as this IS the Black American dating and mating market that we’re talking about here, chances are fairly high that you’ll hear from her again – most likely in the form of the “Hey bighead!” phonecall or text message. Here’s how to handle that:

HER (After calling/texting/inboxing, etc.): Hey, bighead!

YOU: Hey! Who’s this?

HER: “Who’s this”? What, you don’t know who this is?

YOU: No, I don’t; who’s this again?

HER: It’s Sheila!

YOU: “Sheila” who?

HER: Oh, you gonna act like you don’t know me now, huh?

YOU: Madam, I get lots of calls a day, it’s impossible to keep up with them all (and this should be true, because a successful man is a busy man – right?)…

HER: *Sigh with all that EXTRA*, it’s Sheila Johnson. Wanted to see what you were up to?

YOU: Busy at the moment. You?

HER: Was thinking of stopping by…

YOU: Well, I’ve got thus and so on the docket for today; hang on, let me check my schedule (put the phone down and rummage through some papers); I’ve got some business with Tisha tomorrow and Alice on the weekend; I can fit you in on Wednesday if you want.

AND STOP. Do NOT say anything else. Let there be some “dead air” between you on the line. Wait for roughly five to ten seconds, counting “touch football” style; if she says nothing after a whole ten seconds pass, you simply say:

“This is the part where you say something”.

“Sheila” now has the ball in her court. She has to decide is she wants to “get in where she fit it” or if she wants to fold outright. Either way, you win because you’ve got a full life – remember, a successful man is a busy man – and successful, busy men don’t suffer flakes.

No matter what their age.

Now adjourn your asses…

MOA

Mumia Obsidian Ali is a citizen journalist, podcaster, talk radio show host, newly minted dating coach and soon to be author. You can catch his daily live shows on the global livestreaming radio website Mixlr, as well as the all-new members-only Obsidian Radio Zoomcast, and his podcasts on YouTube and Black Avenger TV, as well as his weekly dating coach column at the Negromanosphere website. He’s also a semi-professional pest.

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