Whistling Past The Graveyard

The Coronavirus pandemic is the perfect time for a fundamental reset of the Black Love industry - especially for older Black women

There is no escape, ladies!
There is no escape, ladies!

“Do you have a hospice care plan, ladies?”
-Mumia Obsidian Ali

With Black America’s “new normal” setting in as the first wave of the Coronavirus pandemic continues, it’s a perfect time to have the following discussion.

Unlike other “Black Love experts”, mine is a ruthlessly pragmatic approach to matters of the heart and most importantly, to life itself. This “tough love” method has an easy appeal when you’re a dating and mating coach for Black men. But when it comes to Black women, the unspoken, unwritten rule is that you have to treat them with kid gloves. Fuck that shit. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander, and so today’s column will have joint utility – both for Black men, but especially for Black women of a certain age, too. It’s time that someone stood up and abashedly told the truth, straight, no chaser.

Black women, especially those over 35, have been the core constituency and consumer base of what I call the “Black Love Machine” and which I discuss in greater detail in my upcoming “The Book of Obsidian”, for more than a generation. By my numbers, Black women have spent, in excess of, $100B USD over roughly the past four decades on books, seminiars, matchmakers, personalities, films, music, “self-love ambassadors” and everything else in between, all in service of largely a fantasy that many borderline clinically delusional Black women want so desperately to believe: That an incredibly handsome, accomplished, superhumanly skilled lover can also be a good friend, husband/mate and daddy, too.

The problem is, of course, that such things rarely if ever happen in real life and certainly hasn’t happened for the vast majority of Black women over 35.

Black women have tried everything, from the Black Church, to Oprah, to Steve Harvey and Hill Harper, to Tony Gaskins and Trent Shelton, to Derrick Jaxn, Stephan Labossiere and Ace Metaphor. They’ve tried “femininity influencers” who seem to be growing exponentially like weeds in a garden on social media. They’ve tried “swirling”; they’ve even tried “activism” to varying degrees, too.

None of it, has worked.

With clamoring from my erstwhile peers and interlocutors on the dating and mating coaching for Black men online that me and those like me need to “move on” having taken place in recent weeks, I thought to take their unsolicited and disingenuous advice and focus on those to whom it most applies: Black women over 35. And I agree: It is indeed time to “move on” – I simply want to aim it at the ladies.

And ladies, look: You’ve tried everything and none of it has worked – certainly not for enough of you to matter. It aligns perfectly with the constant drumbeat of data, research and statistics on your wellbeing, or the profound lack thereof. As the late Aaliyah so famously sang, “We need a resolution”.

And that resolution – that is to say, what I will say today, will not be pretty.

I am not here to “uplift” you, not to “help you improve” and I am certainly not here to give you any sense of “hope”. We’re past all that. You’re too old for such flights of fancy. Now is the time for cleareyed thinking, for seeing things and yourself for who and what they and you are, and for coming up with practical solutions for real world problems that can and will continue to occur in real time.

My position is very simple: Ladies, you’ve been there and done that and it hasn’t worked. You’re too old and we’re past all that now. It’s time to consider other things in your life and if Mr. Right happens to come along, all well and good. But we both know that the chances of that happening dwindle with every passing year. What is the plan for the rest of your life? Do you have a hospice care plan?

In short ladies, it’s time to grow up – and the O-Man is here to help!

SHAMELESS PLUG AD BREAK: Like what you’re reading now? Wait till you see my very first book, “The Book of Obsidian: A Manual for the 21st Century Black American Gentleman”! Here’s YOUR chance to help me bring the dream to life, by supporting “The Book of Obsidian Fundraising Campaign”! All the details are over at GoGetFunding.com. Now, back to the article!

One thing that I’ve noticed in my many years of being a fly on the wall in all of the various “Black Love” events and affairs, is the conceit that all parties involved are “forever young”. This is an outgrowth of the irrational focus on the young in Black America and so, “Black Love” approaches dating and mating matters in such a way that realities such as age and aging are completely elided. This is particularly true when it comes to Black women, who again are the Black Love business’ biggest consumer base; Black women well into their 70s and beyond(!) honestly think that their prospects out on the open mating market is just as good as their grand daughter’s(!!). I mean, WTF?!?

Now, of course, this is pure, straight up denial and craven profiteering on part of both the Black female consumer base of the Black Love Machine and those who peddle the “hope” of a brighter tomorrow with the man of these ladies’ dreams – and to a certain degree, you can’t begrudge either. But that’s the keyword here, “to a certain degree”. As everyone in Black America (and out!) knows, when it comes to Black folks in general and Black women (especially older ones) in particular, EVERYTHING they do or say, just has to be “extra” (read: Extreme). There is nothing inherently wrong with indulging in a fantasy, nor is there nothing inherently wrong with those who work in one way or another in the “fantasy business”. Hollywood, the porn industry, video games, are all examples of this fantasy industry and we all have partaken of its delights. Fantasy has its place in the human condition and can even be a healthy thing for people. Fair enough.

But – and studies have shown us this with the porn business, for example – any fantasy taken to extremes, can be deeply unhealthy. And that’s the major problem with the Black Love Machine and by extension, its older Black women consumers, who are themselves consumed by the content they buy and support. It distorts their reality and their sense of what is possible and achieveable in the real world, not the world of Mr. Make-Believe With Twentysomething Inch Biceps.

I can hear the objections, deflections and excuse making now: “But Obsidian, Black men do it, too! Look at all the Instagram models these guys are after!”. Please read the above paragraph – ANYTHING TAKEN TO EXCESS IS NOT HEALTHY. So, yes, you would be technically right – and you would also be deliberately missing the point of today’s column. For every Black man you can point to me who is delusional about his chances with an Instagram model, I can show and prove by a huge freaking margin using Instagram itself, the MILLIONS of Black women who are downright delusional by a factor of at least ten, as to their chances with the Black Love Machine’s top heart throbs – we can start with Derrick Jaxn’s alone, which last time I checked, had what, somewhere over a million followers – the vast majority of whom are Black women over 35? And like I said, that’s for starters. How about Steve Harvey’s book, which sat on the New York Times’ bestseller list for over a year? There are many, many other examples.

So, let’s cut the crap.

Dating and mating for older folks is simply NOT the same as it is for younger people – and yea, I’m gonna say it: Dating and mating for older Black women simply ain’t the same as it is for younger Black women. And nothing good can come from the idea that pretending like this reality doesn’t exist. Flaking, “ghosting”, being a bitch, all that is for younger, relatively attractive Black women (read: in their late teens through mid-20s, on average). Older Black women, even if above average attractive for their age, simply will not and cannot get the same “bang for the buck” doing those things. Being difficult to get along with, being demanding, attempting to hand out ultimatums as if they were Skittles – ALL OF THAT WILL NOT WORK. What the Black Love Machine has done is fostered the idea and belief that older Black women bring just as much if not more to the table than her daughters or grand daughters do, when in truth – and again, all of the data bears this out – nothing could be further FROM the truth. Instead of guys like Jaxn and Harvey being bluntforce explicit with the ladies about the need to Ditch the Bitch and being Sweeter with Time, they reinforce these delusional broads’ “Resting Bitch Faces” – as if they need help deepening their crow’s feet and laugh lines.


The longer the Black Love Machine continues to enable older Black women’s delusions about their reality out on today’s Black American mating market, the more said older Black women will be a pain in everybody’s asses. Somebody’s gotta stop the insanity.

Might as well be me.

Ladies over 35, in Black America, this is the harsh truth: You simply do not have the same sheer sexual marketplace power that you had in your youth. Of course, we’re talking in broad generalities and there’s a lot of moving parts when we bring it down to the individual, but stop trying to be obtuse, you know what I’m saying is true in the main. A big part of life is acceptance and it’s way past due that you got a taste. What you may no longer possess in terms of sheer hotness you can more than makeup in sweetness, cooperation and support. Being a sista who’s way past her prime AND a disagreeable, combative bitch though, simply ain’t gonna get nothing for you but ALONE.

In any event and all that aside, the even bigger point here is that all that, at this juncture when you’re solidly in your middle aged years, you really do need to put such girlish pretensions and delusions aside. Dating and mating in this phase of your life will be much more pragmatic, practical and straightforward. Black men – especially those like me – will have little time or interest in playing the kinds of games your younger self a quarter of a century ago did that was necessary to get under your petticoats. We have way too much to do and to be brutally frank, more than enough resources to appeal to chippies your daughter’s age, to have to put up with any of it. Flake once, it’s over. Catch a ‘tude one time, you’re done. Try to come up with the “Oh, I don’t do that” line in the bedroom, out, out, out, you go. And this is assuming that, again, you’re above average attractive for a woman your age. Simply put, older guys like me just ain’t having it. The sooner you learn this, the better off you’ll be – and that’s just for starters.

What was once your sole dominion is no longer; you might have run the table back in your day, but we got next now. And by now you must have noticed, that no one is chasing you down trying to get you to reconsider once you stamp off in a huff, either. Since none of my peers have the balls to tell you, I will: It’s our way or the highway. Your choice.

Welcome to dating as an older Black woman!

Now, I know that many Black women, being the disagreeable old battleaxes that they are, would rather die and go to Hades twice before capitulating to any demands by Non-Select Black men – and that’s completely OK. It is a free country after all and that goes even for disagreeable battleaxes. The problem is though, that if you’re gonna hold the line on being a bitch, you also will have to have a plan as to how to order the rest of your life – you honestly don’t think that smart guys like me are just going to be cool with you using our tax money to pay for your disagreeable, combative, fat asses, do you? No, you’re gonna have to hazard out all the details of your personal security and protection, your healthcare (Obamacare ain’t nearly as sweet as you think!) and your housing needs as you age into your Golden Girl years all alone – and getting older in America, especially if you’re female, is quite an expensive proposition. Don’t bother with the feeble clapbacks, we already know you don’t have the money and the Select Fuckboys Over There can’t be bothered to pay attention to your desperate pleas in your eleventh hour of need. Most of you have kids, very few of whom are in a position to help you either, that’s if they can stand you to begin with for more than an hour.

No, we’re past all that. Past the arguing, bickering and fussing. Past all of the “well, see, what had happened…” stuff. Past the latest flavor of the month method or gimmick that will help you “get the bag”, “get Brad”, “get self-love” or just get something. We. Are. Past. All. That.

Life marches on and at your age ladies, life is really starting to happen now. We’re talking major health concerns requiring major hospital stays. We’re talking major financial issues that may or may not involve bankruptcy (Ms. Sophia A. Nelson might know something about that). We’re talking about the very real possibility of you needing to help a “failure to launch” kid of yours, and/or a slowly dying parent. And we’re talking about who is going to do what in your final years of decline – we’re talking end of life, hospice care, final expenses, settling the affairs of your estate.

In other words, the “stuff of life”, as Charles Murray put it in his excellent work, “Coming Apart”.

Your temperment, recklessness, obstinancy and now being “set in your ways” all have a very expensive price tag, that only compounds with interest over time. And at some point, that bill, comes due.

For many of you, that time is now.

SHAMELESS PLUG AD BREAK: Like what you’re reading now? Wait till you see my very first book, “The Book of Obsidian: A Manual for the 21st Century Black American Gentleman”! Here’s YOUR chance to help me bring the dream to life, by supporting “The Book of Obsidian Fundraising Campaign”! All the details are over at GoGetFunding.com. Now, back to the article!

As is so often the case anytime anyone brings up a particularly sore and sensitive point of discussion in Black American circles, the kneejerk reaction is to shoot the messenger and pillory them with Ad Hominem attacks – as if that somehow alters things. Newsflash: They don’t.

But, since we are where we are, and I’m always one to play along, I’ll do so one mo gin. For the benefit of my Non-Select Guy readers then, here are some of the most common objections, deflections and personal attacks you are most likely to encounter should you chose to openly take my position on today’s topic. By all means, please feel free to use my responses in whole or in part as your own – and watch the loyal opposition squirm, heh heh…

OBJECTION #1: “Guys like you just want to see a Day of Reckoning for all Black women because of the ones that rejected you!”. A grown man of nearly SIXTY actually said that to me recently, believe it or not – most odd, I might add. That factoid aside, this will probably be the most common “defense” against my argument and as such it requires the kind of thoughtful, sober response it needs to put it out of its misery, forthwith. My good sir, clearly, you do not know what “Ad Hominem” means. It is Latin for “against the man” and is an A1 logical fallacy – becase, instead of attacking the merits of one’s claim, YOU, attack the person making the claim. It is nonsensical and indicative of an emotive personality drenched in sophistry; your logic, to the extent that any exists, is flawed. What I or others like me do or don’t want to see, have been through or experienced, is completely irrelevant to the points I am making in this column. None of what you have said or will likely say, addresses anything I’ve actually said – and, if anything, such a highly emotive response strongly suggests that you fear that what I am saying might be correct and to which you have nothing meaningful to add. And so, this is about all the dignity I can pay your…whatever you want to call it…in terms of a response.

OBJECTION #2: “Black women do address these things, just not publicly”. Wait, so let me get this one straight – Black women, who have bellowed from every mountaintop and every hamlet of the realm, about how strong and independent and don’t need no man they are; about how accomplished and educated they are; about how they post everything on social media about the most intimate details of their personal lives to what they had for dinner last night; who grew up on Oprah, who made her billions by discussing the personal – NOW all of a sudden, want to be the standard bearers of propriety, in the face of such simple questions asking them about what the plan will be for the final act of their lives? Are you kidding me? No, the real reason why you ladies “don’t want to talk about it publicly” is because I caught you flat-footed: YOU HAVE NO PLAN AND YOU KNOW IT. And even now in the face of your mortality looming, your pride gets in the way of admitting something even Stevie Wonder can see is true. But, carry on…I hear Denial is much more than a river in Egypt…

OBJECTION #3: “You say that Black women suffer from Delusional Chick Syndrome, so why would you want them to be sober now?”. Ahh, now we’re getting to the good part. Well, the simple answer is because, life. That’s why. Life is happening. Whether they like it, whether they believe it, or not, life is happening and it only goes downhill from here. One would like to think that if nothing else, simple self-preservation would roust older Black women out of their delusions and complacency; but it is entirely possible that BLACK FEMALE FUCKERY will remain undefeated among Black women…time will tell…

OBJECTION #4: “What about Black men, though? They’re not doing so well themselves. Maybe you should address that before saying anything about Black women.” What about Black men? While today’s column is written for them or at least the Non-Select contingent of them, it is not written ABOUT them. All the words in this song is gonna be about YOU, ladies – your favorite subject! Happy now, bitches? Oh, and stop trying to change the subject.

OBJECTION #5: “Why do you care? What’s it matter to you? How is it affecting your personal, daily life?”. See boys, when your interlocutors start running out of steam, the “objections” start getting weaker and more desperate, LOL. OK, so let’s wind this section up with a very simple answer: Because I don’t want to pay for these heifers. None of them. Black women vote for the Democrat Party to the tune of NINETY-FIVE PERCENT, because they know that they are the party of Big Daddy Government, of the Welfare State, of the Nanny State. Black women look to the government most to handle the “stuff of life” for them that should be handled within the family – starting with a husband. Black women believe that they can do an end run around having to deal with a Non-Select Guy by getting his resources indirectly by the power of the State at the point of a gun by way of taxes, while at the same time being able to have their fun with those Select Fuckboys Over There. They thought wrong. Black men today, support the GOP at DOUBLE the rate they did only four years ago and please do not fool yourself as to the reasons why. There are literally MILLIONS of Black men like me (and if you’re a Non-Select Guy, like you) and we’ve decided to settle a lot of these matters at the ballot box. We won with less than fifteen percent the last time around. What do you think will happen when the Black male vote for the Republicans is 25% or greater? To ask the question is to answer it – and Black women are running scared.

Black women have every right to order their lives in any way that they wish, including as to which men they want to suck and fuck; we, the Non-Select Guys, just don’t wanna pay for it. And, we won’t.

Any questions?

SHAMELESS PLUG AD BREAK: Like what you’re reading now? Wait till you see my very first book, “The Book of Obsidian: A Manual for the 21st Century Black American Gentleman”! Here’s YOUR chance to help me bring the dream to life, by supporting “The Book of Obsidian Fundraising Campaign”! All the details are over at GoGetFunding.com. Now, back to the article!

As the Coronavirus plague barrels on through the Black American population – and keep in mind please, that we are only at the end of the beginning – Black men and women alike will have to come to grips with putting love ones to rest. One of the silent deaths will be that of the Black family, which is an outgrowth of the Black relationship, the Black marriage; Black Love itself. One of the reasons why so much of what I say is so very provocative for people, is because many Black Americans know that deep down, they know what I’m saying is true.

But it’s very hard for us to publicly, consciously come to grips with all of that and the reason(s) why is aptly summed up in the late Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ excellent “Five Stages of Grief” framework. The first stage is Denial – and that is where many Black women, especially older ones and a not insignificant number of Black men, are with the Death of Black Love and all that is connected to it.

This means that many Black Americans are only now at this late date, beginning to deal with the first stage of grief. It may well be years before they get to the final stage of grief, which is Acceptance – where I arrived a long time ago. I accept that, for the most part and in the main, “Black Love” – and all that is connected to it – family; community; and so on; are dead. Sure, there will still be examples here and there of “Black Love”; there will still be families of old; there will still be the kind of unions that Alicia Keys sang about. But they will become fewer and farther between. So much so, that Black folk will be clamoring for more films, tv shows and “red table talk” social multimedia that harkens to a romanticized vision of what we would like to believe “Black Love” was and will never likely be. The forces that are at work in deeply and irrevocably changing Black America have been at work for decades and are coming from all directions – none of which are reversible.

Now adjourn your asses…


Mumia Obsidian Ali is a citizen journalist, podcaster, talk radio show host, newly minted dating coach and soon to be author. You can catch his daily live shows on the global livestreaming radio website Mixlr, as well as the all-new members-only Obsidian Radio Zoomcast, and his podcasts on YouTube and Black Avenger TV, as well as his weekly dating coach column at the Negromanosphere website. He’s also a semi-professional pest.

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