Who Is To Blame For The Sorry State Of Dating & Mating In Black America Today?

It’s really good to see you again, baby
And I must admit you’re looking very, very, very nice these days
I guess life must be treating you well
Oh, me?
Well, I’ve just been doin’ the same ol’ thing I’ve always been doin’, you know
I’ve got a new lady now
And it’s a little different then it was when I was with you
You know, I think back to when we met
The way I used to be and the cold way I used to act
But more than that, I think of how you changed me with your love and sensitivity
Remember when I used to
Love them and leave them
That’s what I used to do
Use and abuse them…”
-Rick James & Teena Marie, “Fire & Desire”

With the rise of the (White & Black, respectively) Manosphere, Red Pillers, MGTOWs, IBMORs and Incels, it has become fashionable in more recent times to scapegoat them for the reason why society is wrong – and to be fair, these various groups of men seem adept at giving their critics plenty of ammunition. For example, incels have “beatified” mass murderer Eliot Rodger as their patron saint for what they perceive as his striking a blow for down and out males in a supposedly gynocentric world. Putting Rodger on a pedestal has only served to generate more derision and scorn on a group of men who are already viewed as suspect; now they are seen as and catergorically written off as rank misogynists – “little Eliot Rodgers in waiting”, so to speak.

While all the social media rhetoric focuses on “unattractive”, “socially awkward”, “clueless” and/or (Black) men who are otherwise “not on the level” of supposedly divine Black women as the bane of the latter’s existence, when one listens to closely to Black women themselves – both directly and via their surrogates, advocates and spokespeople in the media, entertainment and academia – an entirely different story emerges. Black women – the most vociferous grouping of women in American life – appear to be saying one thing on one hand and saying something completely different on another.

Not to be outdone, there is a rising tide of “select” Black men taking to social media in their own right, who seem to delight in joining in on the dogpiling on the aforementioned group of Black men – we’ll call them “non-select” for purposes of this discussion, shall we?–even going so far as to bellow that these hapless Black men are the reason for the piss-poor state of the dating and mating landscape of contemporary Black America.

With the current state of Black America today along these lines – the lowest marital rate on record since US Census records were kept during Reconstruction; a nearly 80% out of wedlock birth rate; the highest divorce rates in the nation; and a level of acrimony between Black men and Black women that is the stuff of legend; one has to ask: who IS responsible for such a state of affairs in Black society today?

The answer to that question, my friend, is as plain as the nose on your face! Read on…

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Despite the seemingly difficult situation today’s Non-Select Guy seems to be in in Black America today, unlike our brothers from another mother, who have had to wade through quite a bit of diversions to get at the truth about White women’s sexual engines, this is not the case for Black women as they are much more florid and in-your-face. Unlike White women, who claim to want a “nice guy” but turnaround and do something very different, for many Black women they are quite upfront about the fact that they want a bad boy – and will defend their right to choose those types tooth and nail. This makes our job of answering exactly who is to blame for the way things are in Black America today along mating lines quite easy – and of course the answer is obvious. As I said in a recent appearance on Oshay Duke Jackson’s popular YouTube show, when Black women are bemoaning the “fuckboys” they get caught up with, are they thinking of the fictional Steve Urkel or Carlton Banks? To ask the question is to answer it – of course not. They are referring to the very “Select Guys” they lusted after in the first place – and that is where the blame for the current state of affairs in Black America rightly belongs – NOT on the Non-Select Guys’ doorstep.

As I noted in last week’s column, “Damaged Goods: DO NOT USE”, citing Feminista Jones’ own recent testimony in this regard, it is NOT the Non-Select Guys who have ruined Black women like herself, possibly for life(!), for the possibility of ever having a satisfying relationship with a Good Black Man; no, it was the Select Fuckboys’ fault. Here’s let me share a bit of her own testimony, written by her own hand last month on the Medium.com website, in a stirring testimony of an essay called, “How To Heal From Relationship Trauma”:

“As I sat on the floor of my bathroom and tried to calm down, I thought about it more and, deep down, I knew it wasn’t food poisoning. I was having a full-blown anxiety attack and it was triggered by going on a date with a seemingly great guy. I’ve experienced this a few times in recent years and each time, it was after spending time with someone who either had a sexual or romantic interest in me. In those panicked, terrifying moments, my relationship trauma came flooding back and I was overwhelmed by the heaviness of it all, so much so that I became physically ill.”

Jones continues her confessional:

“I’ve been through hell in my most serious relationships. I try not to joke about it, but the absurdity of it sometimes leaves me with little else to do but shake my head. I tell people that if they think about some of the worst things a man can possibly do to a woman he claims to love, I’m pretty sure I’ve experienced most, if not all of them. These were the relationships that started out with attractive, smart, kind, and generous men for whom I willingly opened my heart and home. They were also the ones filled with betrayal, physical, verbal, and emotional abuse, plus soul-crushing pain that threatened to take me out of this world, and left me spiritually, emotionally, and physically broken.”

Oh wait, it gets better:

“I had to be honest with myself and accept that the trauma I’ve experienced in my romantic relationships has scarred me to the point that I am triggered by behaviors that even remotely replicate the conditions under which my previous harmful relationships existed. As such, even going out with a really nice guy can unleash negative reactions because each of the very worst relationships I was in started out with a man who seemed charming, romantic, respectful, and kind.”

Of course, what Jones fails to mention – as so many Black women so often do – is to detail exactly other characteristics these Black men had to catch her eye in the first place. To get a sense of that, we need not go any further than her first literary effort some years back, a “50 Shades Of Grey” knockoff in Blackface called, “Push The Button” – where the heroine of the story is torn between two hunks of Black men – one much darker, sexually, than the other, of course. Taller above average, NFL-buff, with a mane of flowing locks (Was she fantasizing about Richard Sherman?), the main love (read: SEX) interest and antagonist in the book fits the bill as for what turns Ms. Jones’ crank – and we know from psychological study that such men more often than not exhibit the Dark Triad of traits: Narcissism, Machiavellianism and Psychopathy. Indeed, that is exactly what the antagonist of “Push The Button” exemplifies – in spades – and, as we can see above, some five years later, Ms. Jones had more than purely academic research to go on when she wrote that bodice ripper in the first place, didn’t she?

As the lead-off quote to start today’s column shows, sang by the funk impresario Rick James, Select Fuckboys “love them and leave them” and “use and abuse them” – which Jones recounts with vivid clarity – and they, not the Non-Select Guys, are the reason for how and why Black women like Jones are so incredibly messed up. Possibly for life!

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Of course, in the mating dance and in the words of Rob Base, “It takes two” – in this case, for things to invariably go horribly wrong. Depsite her virtue signaling to the contrary, Feminista Jones, like millions(!) of Black women today, aren’t hapless victims of Select Fuckboys – far from it – but rather, they willing volunteers of their debasement, disrespect and abuse. And they did it all because said fuckboys were “foine”.

I don’t have any hard and fast scientific proof (yet!), but if I had to hazard a guess I would argue that Black women, as a group, are much more likely to be taken in by “bad boys” and thus abused, BECAUSE as noted earlier, Black women are much more likely than other groups of women, to be swayed by the superficial in (Black) men – as the excellent Essence article, “Why Is It So Hard For Black Women to Find The Love They Deserve?” noted, four years ago:

“ESSENCE.COM: Do you feel Black women and men are too particular when it comes to potential dating candidates?
FISHER: We found that as opposed to the White clients that we’ve had, Black women are usually looking for physical attributes first. We look for someone who is attractive to us and then we pick up on his hobbies, interests and values. Whereas, White clients are looking for the reverse first. What kind of job does he have? Is he going to be able to provide? Then they circle back.

GILMORE: We’re the first ones to look at men’s bodies and how attractive they are whereas our White clients have a long list of requirements of things like character and integrity…

FISHER: …and, then down the line, it backfires for us because you were never a compatible mix to start with.

ESSENCE.COM: Do Black women have realistic dating pool expectations?
GILMORE: We have clients that have a long laundry list of requirements—6 foot 4, with a Ph.D., never been married, no children, in his late 30s or early 40s—and a lot of times we then ask them, well, what are you bringing to the table? And, the answer is nowhere near all that. Why would you expect someone to have more than what you’re offering?”

Again, go back to Jones’ “Push The Button” and pay attention to the description of the main antagonist of the story. After that, is it really any wonder as to how and why she’s a hot mess today?

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As the “Select/Non-Select Guy Debate” rages on in the Black Manosphere, as the Black Manosphere continues to force meaningful conversations along these lines in Black America between Black women and Non-Select Black men, we can expect the squawking from both the Select Fuckboys and the Black women who lust after them to rise in volume. But, it won’t matter – the cat is out of the bag and the gig is up – Non-Select Guys now know what’s up and what’s more, they aren’t gonna take their being scapegoated for what ails Black America anymore. If Black women want to screw up their lives dealing with Dark Triad Fuckboys, have at it – but we’ll be damned if we are going to take the fall for it.

Non-Select Guys are just realizing their power out here on these Black American dating and mating streets; sure, we have our own work to do, but it pales in comparison to the truly sociopathic defects that seem to be standard equipment for Select Fuckboys. Nor do Non-Select Guys have to “ape” their supposed betters, because contrary to the beliefs of some, Non-Select Guys are in fact, quite normal – only in Bizarroland Black America are they seen as “lame” and abusive sociopaths like the late Rick James seen as “select”. Of course, only when Black women are “used and abused” do they then lambast the very “Select Black Men” with being “fuckboys” and expect Non-Select Guys to bail them and whatever trails in their wake (read: kids!) out.

Well, increasingly, Non-Select Guys are telling such Black women to kick rocks – and rightly so.

And we will continue to lay the blame for today’s effed up dating and mating scene in Black America where it belongs:

Squarely on the shoulders and backsides, respectively, of Select Fuckboys and Black women.

Our job is done here.

Now adjourn your asses…


Mumia Obsidian Ali is a citizen journalist, podcaster, talk radio show host and newly minted dating coach. You can catch his daily live shows on Mixlr, and his podcasts on YouTube and Black Avenger TV, as well as his weekly dating coach column at the Negromanosphere website. He’s also a semi-professional pest.

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