[Note: This article was first published on The Examiner.com on May 13, 2015 under the title, Being Catty: When women hate on and judge other women, and what it means for men; The Examiner.com officially shut down their operations on Sunday, July 10, 2016. Alan Roger Currie had the most viewed dating advice column on The Examiner.com between 2011 and 2015]
In many discussions involving today’s dating scene and overall social scene, a lot seems to be made of the seeming ‘chasm’ between many single heterosexual men and single women. The reality is, just as there are differences in men’s behavior and women’s behavior as it relates to romantic, sexual, and social interactions with one another, there are also many philosophical differences between men who have different backgrounds and upbringing, and arguably even more so, there are a number of differences between women as it relates to what is ‘appropriate’ vs. ‘inappropriate’ behavior for a woman to exhibit publicly and privately.
When women are competitive with one another, and frequently pass judgment on each other as well as engage in a high degree of gossip about other women, this is commonly referred to as women being “catty.” There are some issues that will temporarily cause women to become unified in their thinking (e.g., protecting themselves against rape and date rape, lobbying for equal respect and salary opportunities in the workplace, among other issues that tend to generate universal agreement and consensus among women), but the reality is, there are number of different factions among the female gender that often results in major clashes between its members.
Today, this column will examine at least five major ‘philosophical catfights’ that tend to frequently take place among women, and how each difference of opinion can often leave men feeling confused and/or frustrated about what behavior of their own is going to be perceived as ‘appealing’ or ‘unappealing’ to women:
Philosophical Catfight #5 – Women who believe in making the ‘first move’ with men vs. Women who believe that men should always pursue women
General Comment: In the 21st Century, it is not uncommon for a woman to approach a man of interest, initiate a conversation with him, and eventually let that man know that she finds him attractive and sexually appealing. Many women in society have been known to offer their business card to a man, and invite him to give her a telephone call in the near future. Many women who consider themselves ‘old-fashioned’ frown on such behavior, and generally maintain the stance that a woman should always allow a man to make the first move and allow the man to behave as ‘the aggressor.’ Those women who are in the habit of asking men out on dates are usually harshly criticized by those women who do not believe in women exhibiting such assertive behavior.
Can this difference of opinion among women leave men confused and/or frustrated? Possibly, but not necessarily. The vast majority of men have been socially conditioned (i.e., brainwashed) to believe that a man should typically initiate conversations with women, so it is rare when a man consistently just ‘sits back’ and waits for women to approach him first (with the possible exception of certain professional male athletes and Entertainment Industry male celebrities). That said though, some men who consider themselves “pickup artists” (PUAs) or at least, wannabe PUAs, do tend to get frustrated when women have an adverse reaction to them initiating what is known as a ‘cold approach’ (a ‘cold approach’ is representative of anytime a man approaches a woman who is a brand new female acquaintance, and initiates a flirtatious type conversation with her in a social setting or public environment where a woman would least expect to be flirted with, and might be likely to respond to a man’s bold approach with a harsh, abrupt rejection).
Philosophical Catfight #4 – Women who believe in conservative clothing vs. Women who are in the habit of wearing more revealing, sexually provocative clothing
General Comment: Many men might be surprised how many women pass judgment on other women’s choice of clothing. Just recently, popular megastar singer Beyoncé received a lot of criticism on social media sites like Facebook and Twitter regarding her choice of clothing while attending the Met Gala in New York City. Many women who consider themselves as being ‘old-fashioned’ or ‘traditional’ tend to believe that clothing outfits that closely resemble a variation of sexy lingerie should only be adorned in private. Other, more free-spirited and socially rebellious type women believe that there is nothing ‘shameful’ or ‘inappropriate’ about highlighting a high percentage of skin as well as a woman’s body in general. Many of these women believe, “If God blessed with you certain physical assets … flaunt them!”
Can this difference of opinion among women leave men confused and/or frustrated? Not really, but occasionally … yes. The problem with sexually provocative clothing – in the eyes and minds of many men – is that a good number of men view tight, short, and/or sexually provocative clothing as an open invitation to not only be sexually flirtatious with a woman but taking it a step or two further, many men begin to erroneously feel like they have the right to touch and grope women without their permission. Years ago, some women started the ‘SlutWalk movement‘ after a Canadian (male) police officer suggested that women’s provocative clothing was the cause of many incidents of date-rape and rape.
Philosophical Catfight #3 – Women who are dominant ‘Alpha female’ types vs. Women who are more highly feminine, submissive ‘Girly Girls’
General Comment: There is a belief among many women that if you want to achieve a high degree of career success and financial success in the ‘concrete jungle’ known as Corporate America, that you must emulate the leadership skills of men and develop masculine type backbone when dealing with male colleagues and subordinates. A number of women who are known as ‘Alpha females’ (i.e., women who have a very competitive and dominant nature about them) tend to look down on women who they perceive as more ‘Girly Girl’ types who are known for being docile and submissive with the men in their lives. The reality is, men gravitate toward women’s feminine energy in the same manner that many heterosexual women gravitate toward men because of their masculine energy. This is known as the ‘Yin-Yang’ effect. Women who are Alpha females do not want to hear anything related to the idea of a woman being acquiescent and submissive to a male companion.
Can this difference of opinion among women leave men confused and/or frustrated? Very much so. A man entering into a romantic relationship with a woman with ‘Alpha’ tendencies and attributes is a totally different experience than a man entering into a romantic relationship with a woman who is more ‘Beta’ and submissive in nature. Generally speaking, it is extremely challenging (if not damn near impossible) for an Alpha male and an Alpha female to co-exist in a harmonious manner indefinitely. When a man or woman is ‘Alpha,’ this means that they have a natural desire to want to lead and dictate just about any relationship they are involved in … personally or professionally. Many women are ‘sneaky,’ meaning that a number of women will initially give a potential male romantic companion the misleading impression that they are more ‘Beta’ than ‘Alpha,’ but then, once wedding rings have been exchanged, and she has ‘Mrs.’ in front of her first name, then her more Alpha side will slowly, but surely reveal itself. This is known as a ‘marital bait-and-switch’ executed by a woman. Let the heated arguments begin.
Philosophical Catfight #2 – Women who desire to only engage in sex within the context of marriage or a long-term monogamous relationship vs. Women who openly engage in short-term and/or non-monogamous ‘casual’ sex
General Comment: If you listened to my audiobook, The Beta Male Revolution: Why Many Men Have Totally Lost Interest in Marriage in Today’s Society then you are probably already aware that one of the aspects that drove feminism was a ‘philosophical catfight’ between what could be labeled the ‘Frustrated Traditional Wives’ and the ‘Frustrated Mistresses / On-the-side Women.’ Actually, if you do your research on the early use of the terms ‘whore’ and ‘slut,’ you will find that it was women who initially used those two terms to describe the behavior of other women just as much if not more than it was men who expressed those same two terms.
For centuries, there have always been two factions of women when it comes to the issue of how many male sex partners a woman should have: The ‘prudes‘ (i.e., those women who believe sex should only be enjoyed with a male companion who is that woman’s husband, fiancé, or at bare minimum, long-term monogamous ‘boyfriend’) and the ‘free-spirits‘ (i.e., those women who believe that they should feel free to have sex with as many male [and female] companions that they choose to). Among prudish types, the term ‘free spirits’ would be representative of being “nice” and “polite.” Most prudish types view non-prudes as whores (or ‘hos’ for short) and trashy sluts. On the flip side, many from the erotically uninhibited and free-spirited camp refer to those from the prudish way of thinking as ‘frigid’ and/or ‘uptight.’
Can this difference of opinion among women leave men confused and/or frustrated? Most definitely. When a man approaches a woman, initiates a conversation with a woman, and eventually expresses a desire to engage in one or more episodes of short-term and/or non-monogamous ‘casual’ sex, whether a woman is a ‘prude’ or a ‘free-spirit’ (or, somewhere ‘in-between’ … what the audiobook Oooooh … Say it Again: Mastering the Fine Art of Verbal Seduction and Aural Sex refers to as ‘Wholesome Pretenders,’ which are women who will publicly behave more like the ‘prude’ type, but privately they will behave more like the erotically uninhibited ‘free-spirit’ type) will have a major impact on how that woman responds to the man’s sexual advances. The vast majority of the women from the ‘prudish’ mindset do not believe that a man should ever make mention of engaging in oral sex and/or intercourse before the two have officially entered into a long-term monogamous relationship of some sort. Conversely, women who are open-minded, free-spirited, and erotically uninhibited have no problem or issue with a man being forthright with his sexual desires, interests, and intentions in his very first conversation with a woman.
Philosophical Catfight #1 – Women who believe that men should always directly, or indirectly, ‘pay’ for sex vs. Women who believe that sex should never be representative of a ‘business transaction’
General Comment: With the possible exception of Philosophical Catfight #2, this philosophical catfight probably produces more debates, discussions, and disagreements among women than any of the other philosophical differences regarding women’s behavior in society and their behavior toward men. Plain and simple, there are some women in society that do not believe that a man should ever be able to enjoy a woman’s sexual companionship unless he is offering to compensate that woman financially in some sort of way. When it comes to short-term or non-monogamous sex, these types are usually street prostitutes, professional Call Girls, or upscale Erotic Escorts. When it comes to more long-term, indefinite type sexual relationships, these types are usually referred to as ‘Gold Diggers,’ ‘Sugar Babies,’ or ‘Status Seeking Wives.’ These women believe that their sexual companionship is far more valuable to a man than a man’s sexual companionship is to a woman.
In contrast, many women in today’s society consider it very shallow, superficial, and extremely manipulative to expect a man to ‘pay’ for sexual enjoyment and satisfaction that both the man and the woman will experience together. Many of the ‘new breed feminists’ actually believe that the act of sex is just as pleasurable and satisfying, if not more so for women than it is for men (and to a large degree, they are right; a woman’s clitoris has 7,500 – 8,000 nerve endings while the head of a man’s penis has only approximately 3,500 nerve endings). The great irony is, when women allow men to have sex with them for ‘free,’ they are often referred to as ‘whores’ by other women, but yet, the dictionary definition of a ‘whore’ is a woman who exchanges her sexual companionship for money, material possessions, and/or offers of employment.
Can this difference of opinion among women leave men confused and/or frustrated? No question. For sure.
When a man seeks to interact romantically or sexually with a woman who is ‘Alpha,’ ‘prudish,’ and believes that all men should have to ‘pay’ for sex, he is asking for a boat load of problems in the near and distant future. If you are a man reading this right now, and you believe you are currently interacting with a woman of this nature, proceed at your own risk (although sometimes, men who are ‘Beta males’ have no choice but to put up with these types).
On the flip side, if your current girlfriend or casual sex lover is a woman who is more of a ‘Girly Girl’ who is open-minded, free-spirited, and erotically uninhibited … and to add frosting on the cake – does not believe you should ever spend money on her in exchange for the opportunity to enjoy a pleasurable orgasm with her – then consider yourself lucky. The only time a man should ever feel ‘obligated’ to spend money on a woman is in a situation where he wants to marry a woman, and he wants that woman to remain home to raise and nurture their children as opposed to her pursuing an independent career of her own. The position of ‘stay-at-home mother’ should always come with some sort of ‘salary’ and/or financial perks, because being a stay-at-home mother and wife is not easy.
If you are a woman reading this article, and you are one of those rare women who never criticizes other women’s behavior, never passes judgment on other women’s behavior, and never gossips about other women behind their back, then you should be applauded. This means you are not petty, and you believe that all women have the right to choose whatever behavior is most conducive to their needs and preferences.
For all of the other women who validly find themselves being described in one or more of the five aforementioned ‘philosophical catfights’ above … all I have to say is one word: