If anyone reading this article is a long-time fan, follower, and supporter of mine, they know what my #1 ‘golden rule’ is: never confuse and conflate the appeal of your non-sexual companionship with the appeal of your sexual companionship. This ‘golden rule’ of mine applies to both men and women equally.
GIRLFRIEND or SPOUSE VS. CASUAL SEX LOVER
When a man seeks out a woman to become his long-term girlfriend, and possibly his fiancée and eventual wife, this usually represents that this man has found a woman whom he genuinely enjoys spending time with both sexually AND non-sexually.
If a man only enjoys spending time with women exclusively in a non-sexual manner, this means that he just wants that particular woman to be his purely platonic friend indefinitely. For the vast majority of heterosexual men, this desire and objective usually happens when a man thoroughly enjoys a woman’s personality, but he does not find himself physically or sexually attracted to this woman (same thing can be said for women who seek out men to be their purely platonic friend).
If a man only enjoys spending time with women in a strictly sexual manner, this means that he wants this particular woman to be his casual sex lover (or, in more blunt terms, his ‘fuck buddy’).
The problem with many men comes down to one simple question: do you verbally communicate your true sexual desires, interests, and intentions to women in an upfront, specific, and straightforwardly honest manner? Or no?
THE PURSUIT OF CASUAL SEX: HONEST PLAYERS vs. LYING WOMANIZERS & MISLEADING MANIPULATORS
When it comes to the pursuit of short-term and/or non-monogamous ‘casual’ sex, I would place all men into a minimum of three categories:
Straightforwardly Honest ‘Players’
Lying Womanizers / Cheaters / Adulterers
Men who ‘FunClub’ with Women
My first book, Mode One: Let the Women Know What You’re REALLY Thinking was written for single heterosexual men who aspire to be in the first category (the honest players). I also published an updated eBook version of this same book last year (which was ranked #1 in the category of ‘Communication Skills’ on Amazon.com in late April / early May of 2017).
A true ‘player’ is someone who realizes that he has no interest in strictly monogamous sexual relationships with women, and sees no reason to lie to women and/or mislead women in this regard. Players are men who usually want to maintain two or more casual sex lovers concurrently.
Note: there are some men who are married, who are also open and honest with their wives about the fact that they want to maintain at least one other sexual lover in addition to their wife; These men would be known as ‘swingers’ and their additional lovers would be known as ‘concubines.’ There are many men who are involved in what is known as ‘The Polyamory Lifestyle’ that maintain ‘open’ marriages and ‘open’ long-term non-monogamous romantic relationships with women.
Why aren’t ALL men straightforwardly honest with women about their desire for a strictly sexual (and non-monogamous) relationship?
If I had to be a wee bit more detailed and specific, there are a lot of men that are deeply afraid of letting a woman know that they have virtually no interest in spending time with that woman if they know ahead of time that oral sex and/or intercourse will not take place.
One of the primary reasons why many men love watching porn videos is not simply because they enjoy watching men and women engage in sexual activities. A big part of the appeal of pornography is that most porn videos rarely show men and women being emotionally attached to each other or ‘cuddling’ with one another after the orgasm is achieved … they rarely show men and women engaging in ‘trivial small talk’ prior to sex and/or after sex … and they rarely show men having to ‘wine & dine‘ women or spend a lot of time with women in a non-physical, non-sexual manner before sex takes place or after sex takes place.
SOME MEN HAVE VERY LITTLE TO NO INTEREST IN SPENDING TIME WITH WOMEN IN A NON-PHYSICAL, NON-SEXUAL MANNER
This past Thursday, I conducted a video podcast livestream on my Patreon.com channel, and I briefly discussed this issue with the financial supporters of my Patreon page.
During the livestream, I took an informal survey of the men in my chat room. At first, I said, “Press the number ‘1’ if you are very indifferent toward spending time with women non-sexually as opposed to sexually.” Three members of the chat room pressed ‘1.’ Then, I said, “Press the number ‘2’ if you almost a zero percent interest in spending time with a woman if you know for a fact that sex is not going to take place.” No less than eight members of the chat room pressed ‘2.’
What does this tell you?
More and more in today’s society, a growing number of men have very little if any interest in spending a significant amount of time in the company of a woman if oral sex and/or intercourse is not on the table of activities for the day. For many men, probably 90-99% of their interest in spending time with a woman centers on their desire to engage in sexual relations with that woman.
Speaking for myself, I would probably estimate that for 19 out of every 20 women who I have met and interacted with in my life beginning with the age of 18, my only interest in spending time with them was strictly for the purpose of sexual enjoyment and satisfaction. Nothing more, nothing less. For every woman in my life that earned the title of ‘long-term girlfriend,’ I have probably had 50+ women in my life who were short-term and/or non-monogamous casual sex lovers who I spent only a minimal amount of time with non-sexually.
I have a close female friend who lives in Los Angeles named Wendy (she is arguably my closest female friend in the world, and one of only a few women who I genuinely consider to be true ‘friends’). A few years back, she and I were discussing dating & relationships, and I told her something that raised her eyebrows a bit. I said, “I cannot name one woman in my life that I used to date that I missed their non-sexual companionship after we parted ways.” Wendy asked, “Not one? Not even one ex-girlfriend of yours?” I said, “Not one.” Sexually? Yes. I can think of a number of women who I either used to date within the context of a ‘boyfriend-girlfriend’ relationship, or engaged in strictly casual sex with, that I found myself ‘missing’ their sexual companionship weeks or months later.
On the other hand, I have never ever found myself reminiscing on time spent with an ex-girlfriend or former casual sex lover in a non-physical, non-sexual manner. Ironically, Wendy herself (who is happily married with two daughters) is pretty much the only woman who I can spend two or more days with consecutively in a purely platonic manner without feeling bored or highly irritated.
At least half of the reason why men pay money for the sexual companionship of street prostitutes, professional Call Girls, and upscale Erotic Escorts is not always because they cannot find any women to engage in sexual relations with for free. No sir. As one celebrity once said, “I pay [prostitutes, Call Girls, and Erotic Escorts] money so that I don’t have to listen to their mouth and their boring stories before sex or after sex. I am actually paying them to leave my presence right after sex more so than I am paying them for sex.” Put another way, some men pay women money for the opportunity not to feel obligated to spend time with these women in a non-physical, non-sexual manner more so than they pay women money in exchange for the woman’s sexual companionship.
SOME MEN DO NOT HAVE THE BALLS TO TELL WOMEN THE BLUNT TRUTH
One of the reasons why some men have never become a fan of my books (and particularly, Mode One) is because many men are simply afraid to let women know straightforwardly that all they want is access to that woman’s sexual companionship. They don’t have the confidence and courage to let women know in a forthright manner that they have no interest in spending time with that woman at the neighborhood park on a sunny Saturday afternoon in a non-physical, non-sexual manner.
Really, there are only two instances when a man is going to enjoy spending time with women both sexually AND non-sexually: 1) if that man has developed a strong emotional bond for that woman, and he has essentially ‘fallen in love’ with that woman; or 2) the man is not really deeply in love with the woman, but he is very jealous, possessive, and territorial, and he wants to monopolize his lover’s free time so that other men do not have too many opportunities to seduce his designated lover and potentially ‘steal’ her away from him.
The reality is this: in the same way men meet some women they want to be ‘just friends’ with (again, usually women who they do not consider to be physically attractive or sexually appealing), some women they want to spend time with both sexually AND non-sexually (their long-term girlfriend, fiancée, or wife), and other women who they just want to spend time with for the purpose of exchanging orgasms (casual sex lovers, concubines, mistresses, side pieces) … men need to realize this very quickly: WOMEN HAVE THE EXACT SAME CATEGORIES FOR MEN.
Don’t believe me? Read my article from two weeks ago, as well as my article on women’s ‘niche’ needs. Women love having casual sex lovers, ‘fuck buddies,’ and lovers-on-the-side just as much as men do. When you are upfront, straightforward, seductive, and direct with women … you will quickly realize this.
On the other hand, society will always have a percentage of men who will choose to lie to women, mislead women, and manipulate women in order to get women in bed for a few episodes of casual sex. These men will regularly give women the misleading impression that they find these women’s non-physical, non-sexual companionship just as appealing if not more appealing than those women’s sexual companionship. Some men will do this temporarily until they have had sex with a woman two or three times, while other men will ‘FunClub’ and do this indefinitely.
Men who are lying womanizers and misleading manipulators are the male equivalent to women who are what I refer to in my books and articles as Manipulative Timewasters. Both engage in a high degree of manipulative head games with members of the opposite sex.
Lying womanizers are men who regularly give women the disingenuous and very misleading impression that they are interested in both a woman’s sexual companionship AND that same woman’s non-sexual companionship, but in reality, these men are really only interested in that woman’s sexual companionship exclusively.
Similarly, Manipulative Timewasters are women who regularly give men the disingenuous and very misleading impression that they are interested in both a man’s non-sexual companionship AND that same man’s sexual companionship, but in reality, these women are really only interested in that man’s non-sexual companionship exclusively.
I say, be real. Be straightforwardly honest. In other words, be MODE ONE with women. You know damn well that woman’s non-sexual companionship either bores you to death or irritates you to the highest degree. If you continue to ‘pretend’ like her non-sexual companionship is enjoyable … it is only going to come back to haunt you in the long-run. Trust me on this.
Will you be a verbal coward your entire adult life? Only time will tell.
Senior writer Alan Roger Currie was recently named the 2017 Charles Tyler Freelance Writer & Columnist of the Year for the NegroManosphere.com, and he was also named the NegroManosphere.com’s 2017 Best Dating Coach for Men on YouTube and 2017 Black Male YouTube Personality of the Year. More about Alan Roger Currie can be found on Wikipedia.org; Visit Currie’s main website to find out more about his Email consultations, Skype & Telephone consultations, and One-on-One / Face-to-Face Coaching sessions. Currie also has an active YouTube channel where he offers his own unique brand of knowledge, wisdom, insight, and general advice related to dating and relationships. If you are a single heterosexual man, and you want advice on how to develop the confidence and courage to be more upfront, specific and straightforwardly honest about your sexual desires, interests, and intentions with women, check out Currie’s eBooks, paperbacks, and audiobooks. Currie has been a featured speaker at many dating advice workshops for men in the United States as well as internationally. Currie was the first African-American to be a featured speaker at The 21 Convention and will be a featured speaker again this year in October in Orlando, Florida. If you want to become a Patreon.com subscriber of Dating Coach Alan Roger Currie, CLICK HERE