Yes, Gentlemen Should Pay For Everything. Here’s Why

The age-old battle over money in Black Love matters has got to come to an end. Black men hold the key.

“Ain’t nothin’ goin’ on but the rent…got to have a J-O-B if you wannabe with me…”
-Gwen Guthrie, 1986

Studies have both shown us that the single biggest cause of breakup and divorce in America today is financial, while on the other hand, indicated that generous men tend to also be the most successful in terms of dating and mating (“Fighting with your spouse? It’s probably about this”,, Feb 4, 2015; “The Evolution of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating”, David M. Buss, Dec 27, 2016) . In a Black American social context where the Black marital rate is at an all-time low and just simple, daily interactions between the sexes are a bitter conflict, the latter statement is sure to raise the hackles of Black men, while at the same time bringing Black women to their feet in grand approval.

Either way, money matters remains perhaps the singular battleground between the sexes in Black America today; and no discussion on dating and mating is complete without at least a few words being devoted to the topic.

So, with no further ado, let’s dive right in!

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As May 2020 comes to a close, I feel the need to share two major lessons I have learned when it comes to cutting through the Gordian Knot that “Black Love” has become in our time today. The first lesson came in the form of the hit reality television show, “Marriage at First Sight”, which airs on the female-friendly Lifetime channel and is currently in its 11th season. A good friend of mine recently sent me the 8th season of the show that he recorded and that aired in Jan of last year, and that featured eight couples from my hometown of Philly. One of those couples was Will, a 37 year old financial analyst, and Jasmine, a 30 year old assistant director. Right from the start a major sticking point in their nascent marriage was the question of “Who leads?” – gender roles and expectations, and finances. Will wanted to give up his very lucrative job in finance to coach Division 1 NCAA basketball and mentor the youth; he eschewed traditional gender roles and expectations, especially on the Black male side. On the other hand, Jasmine wanted a more traditional Black man husband, protector and provider, full stop. Things only got worse on this front between them and while Jasmine decided to give in and try to fit more into the kind of “50/50” arrangement Will wanted, in the end it didn’t work; they got divorced soon after jumping the broom.

My friend and fellow Black social media personality “Saint Kevin” Samuels, a professional image consultant, has been hosting some excellent livestreams on his YouTube channel this month. Many of them center on “Black Love” topics, with one in particular asking Black women what were they willing to do to get a high-performing Black husband (“Should Women Have To Compete For Top Men?”, YouTube, May 9, 2020). Kevin talked to many Black women from all over the country over the course of several live shows, and what became very clear to me by the end of it all is that Black women expect Black men to pay for everything in a marriage: the upkeep and maintenance of a home, as well as that of the wife and kids – with all the trimmings. This is irrespective as to a Black woman’s own educational attainment, professional and career accomplishment and how much she may make – in the minds of many, many Black women, her money is just that – hers. To do with as she sees fit.

And the same applies to dating and courting as well. Simply put, Black women are suddenly transported back to the 1950s and beyond and have morphed into Sandra Day in Blackface. They want a traditional Black men who will do all the things “a man’s supposed to do”: Plan AND pay for a proper date, by which it is meant an at least mid-tier restaurant (read: three out of five Michelen stars) with all the trimmings: a wine list, multi-course meal including dessert and a night out on the town entailing some kind of interesting, fun activities. This also includes bearing the brunt of attempting to chat up the ladies to begin with, braving all the BS Black men today have to endure and go through with Black women in order to finally meet what they hope is The One (“The Sadie Hawkins Dance For Adults”,, Oct 21, 2019). Again, a Black woman’s own financial standing, etc., is considered not only irrelevant, but downright rude and in poor taste. What matters is what a Black man brings to the table – and his ability to show and prove in this way is seen by most Black women today as a test of his mettle.

At the risk of offending the brothers in my dojo, I’m going to say that the ladies do have a point here. After all and especially when it comes to marriage, the expectation of Black women is that they will have kids, an affair that even today in our time of vastly advanced medical science, can and often does take a toll on the bodies of Black moms to be. And there’s the matter of being able to take care of those kids in a way that a modern 21st century world would recognize. It may be an archaic, imperfect proxy for how a Black man may fare in the role of husband and father; but until a better one comes along, the old-fashioned courtin’ ritual of taking her out with no expectations on your part is the best thing most Black women in the marriage market have.

“OK, so what about the dating market, Obsidian?”, many of you may ask. A very fair question – especially in light of the fact that dating, such as it is, is all but dead in Black America today, in our time of “Netflix & Chill”. I know what you’re thinking, so let’s get right to it: We know for certain, that all Black men aren’t being put through the courting gauntlet before they get to have sex with a lot of these ladies – and there’s simply no use in any of them trying to deny it. Sure, I can buy that there’s some cloistered group of Black women somewhere with chastity belts on, but for the vast majority of marriageable aged-Black women (and quite a few who are past it!), they’re having quite a bit of sex, if all the indications are anything to go by. And, we know which kinds of guys they’re having that supposedly “no-strings attached sex” with, now don’t we? Why should any guy – and let’s be brutally frank about it, the Non-Select ones – take such a deal? Especially when things like “Dinner Whoring” are like a plague upon the land (“All The Crazy Ladies”,, Jul 29, 2019)?

You’ll get no argument from me that this is a tough nut to crack in our time today, so I see little use in attempting to make that sale. All I can say is that it is up for every man and in this case, Non-Select Guy to do his own researches and come to his own conclusions as to whether it’s worth it to pay the freight for a lady with a night out on the town.

What I will say though, is this: Should you choose to accept this mission, the expectation is that you WILL be paying for EVERYTHING.

End of.

SHAMELESS PLUG AD BREAK: Like what you’re reading now? Wait till you see my very first book, “The Book of Obsidian: A Manual for the 21st Century Black American Gentleman”! Here’s YOUR chance to help me bring the dream to life, by supporting “The Book of Obsidian Fundraising Campaign”! All the details are over at Now, back to the article!

While I’m all-too familiar with the points and counterpoints along these lines, I see little point in regurgitating them now. After all, there are dating coaches out there that are much better than me at articulating all the many ways Black women can take you for B-A-D out in these streets – and again, I wouldn’t disagree. That being said however, what I think isn’t discussed anywhere near enough, is what we’re talking about right now: the financial expectations that most Black women have of Black men out on the mating market. Now, to be sure, you are NOT obligated to get into said market. In fact, my view is that if you hold a dim view of Black women in general; if you think of dating and mating life in terms of “killed or be killed”; if words like “trick”, “lick” and the like, comes to mind when you think of dating; then by all means, do us all a favor and STAY OUT OF THE DATING GAME. “Black Love” is jacked up enough as it is; it doesn’t need your help in making things much worse.

For those of you who still consider yourselves gentlemen and would like to enjoy feminine companionship for a night or a lifetime, here’s the deal:

First, marriage. As noted above, Black women hold the view, whether express or implied, that you as the Black hubbie are to work UNTIL YOU ARE DEAD. In fact, if you’re lucky, you will die on the job. You are expected to pay for EVERYTHING – the home(s), the cars, the wife and the kids – with all the spinning rims. Black women looking to be wives DO NOT WANT TO HAVE TO PAY FOR ANYTHING. PERIOD. They see their contribution first and foremost, of bringing your legacy into this world, caring for and nuturing them into adulthood, being sexually available to you, and seeing to your all around upkeep (cooking meals, cleaning house, etc.). When many Black men today ask, “What do you, Black women, bring to the table?”, the aforementioned is their response, be it spoken or otherwise.

In addition to the expectation on the part of Black women seeking to be wives that you will work until you die, after your body is in the ground, you are further expected to care for your wife and kids in the form of wills, estates, probate, and any kinds of pensions you may have built up in life. Just because you’re gone doesn’t mean that your widow and the kids no longer need caring for. Black women wanting to be wives expect their hubbies to continue caring for her from beyond the grave.

Next, for those of us who are not going to marry, you’re still very likely to want to spend time with the ladies. If you’re a Black man and looking to date Black women, understand that they expect you to pay for EVERYTHING. Period. You are to plan the date and pay for it, AND YOU MUST NOT CHOOSE ANYTHING THAT EVEN SMACKS OF BEING CHEAP. Rail against it if you like, but it won’t change anything. Don’t like it? Don’t date!

There’s no point in attempting to debate this, fellas. In case you haven’t already observed or figured it out by now, Black women are an extraordinarily stubborn lot. They want what they want and ain’t gonna change anytime soon.

SHAMELESS PLUG AD BREAK: Like what you’re reading now? Wait till you see my very first book, “The Book of Obsidian: A Manual for the 21st Century Black American Gentleman”! Here’s YOUR chance to help me bring the dream to life, by supporting “The Book of Obsidian Fundraising Campaign”! All the details are over at Now, back to the article!

Among the growing cadre of dating coaches for Black men, it is considered a sign of fundamental weakness if a Black man must “bring his checkbook” when it comes to dating the ladies; in this dojo however, we take the completely opposing view. Far from being some kind of inherent flaw in a Black man’s “game”, we see it as essential – after all, a gentleman DOES have a social life; and a social life ain’t free, nor does it come cheap. While many in the Black dating coaches for men community view a Black man having no qualms about paying the full price for an evening out as being a “lick”, we see it as a powerful way of separating us from them – the guys who actually have something to offer versus those who think they can get by in life by having a “strong mouthpiece”.

But perhaps the best thing about taking the position that we do on these matters, is that we are also in a much stronger position to set terms. Black men like the aforementioned, or in many deep and profound ways like “Will” mentioned earlier, the “50/50” types are much worse. Women the world over and this especially includes Black women today, simply have no respect for a man who either can’t or won’t pay his way. Such men have no leverage in the mating dance; they depend on the kindness of strangers at best, and beg for what they want at worst.

As one of the Gentlemen of Obsidian, YOU, my friend, are in the driver’s seat when you pay the full freight. For starters, you get to pick the ladies you want to be out and about with. You get to set the terms of engagement as well and you’re able to make plain what you expect in a woman and what you will and will not put up with (“She’ll Have The Salad”,, Dec 16, 2019). Because so relatively few Black men today take this view, it alone will make you stand out and what’s even better, it will put a lot of Black woman on their back foot. Now the ball’s in their court as to whether truly want to show up for a man who’s got his act together. Remember: being “Non-Select” doesn’t have to be a death sentence, because you have 100% control over what you earn in this life.

Finally, as noted earlier, the scientific evidence bears out the fact that not only are men more successful in mating when they are generous with women, but males throughout the animal kingdom see more mating success when they’re generous with the females of their species(!). In other words my brothers, BEING CHEAP IS UNIVERSALLY UNATTRACTIVE TO FEMALES OF ALL SPECIES WORLDWIDE. So, contrary to popular opinion and the stuff of urban legend, if you want to strengthen your chances of success out on these dating and mating streets, the first thing you want to do, is bring your checkbook!

It is not a crime for a Black woman to want to be taken out for a nice time, fellas.

Show her how an Obsidian gets it done!

Now adjourn your asses…


Mumia Obsidian Ali is a citizen journalist, podcaster, talk radio show host, newly minted dating coach and soon to be author. You can catch his daily live shows on the global livestreaming radio website Mixlr, as well as the all-new members-only Obsidian Radio Zoomcast, and his podcasts on YouTube and Black Avenger TV, as well as his weekly dating coach column at the Negromanosphere website. He’s also a semi-professional pest.

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